


A Being Composed of Pure Light

by Kitiara_Raistlin



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2018-07-21 16:18:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 46
Words: 62,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7394596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitiara_Raistlin/pseuds/Kitiara_Raistlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki found the secret pathways between the realms. He used them to escape at times he could not bear his loneliness on Asgard. And then he met her...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She was meant to be nothing more than a distraction. On his colder days he might even have used the word ‘plaything’. She wasn’t supposed to mean anything…the first time she wasn’t even supposed to have a name.

Loki had discovered the secret pathways between the realms and they had been an escape. He had viewed them as a salvation in a way. When he could not bear Asgard a moment longer. When he needed to be gone from Odin, from Thor, from his brother’s friends…when he needed freedom or perhaps it was solitude. The pathways combined with a cloaking spell to hide from Heimdall and he could drop the mask, stop the lies, and be himself, whoever that was, however much pain went with that.

Midgard had been chosen simply as a realm in which he would not be known nor recognized as anything different or otherworldly.

And he had met her. Blonde and beautiful, kindhearted and fun. It was supposed to be just one night. And then he would move on and forget about her. Just as Thor forgot so easily about the various maidens he meant in his travels.

They had made plans to meet again, but he had only agreed to them so he might be gone that much quicker. He never had meant to keep them.

Loki had returned to Asgard. But something drew him back. He found himself thinking of her, remembering her. The way she smiled at him and the way she looked at him. The image plagued him. No matter how he strived to ignore it, it would always return, stronger each time.

And so he found himself back again in her town, in this small cramped business he heard dubbed a ‘diner’. And as he sat at a corner table and watched her, he realized what it was that had brought him back.

She was fair and she was kind, but he hadn’t returned for either of those reasons. He returned because of the way she brightened as she saw him entered and how even as she served the other customers, her gaze always and continually returned to him. She was focused on him. Her attention was on him completely as it had been the day she had spotted him across the shop and approached him.

No one looked at him in that way or ever had, as if he was the most important person in the room. It was a look he had seen given many times to Thor but never to himself. Even Frigga, try as she might to make him feel included, could not say she had ever given him that look. He could never be a priority for her. The very fact that she had to make a special effort to include him showed how futile the effort really was. But this woman wasn’t making an effort; it wasn’t a task or her good deed for the day. It was obvious, that as far as she was concerned, at least for tonight, he was the most important person in her vicinity.

The sensation felt…intoxicating. And as the evening dragged on the intoxication grew.

As the diner closed up for the night, he meant her out back, determined, desperate, hungry. She was hardly out the back door when he’d pulled her to him and was kissing her.

There had certainly been women before. But with each and every one of them he had known they were only there with him because Thor had chosen someone else for the night. Even Sif, the only woman he had ever looked at with real interest had quickly made her preferences clear. Just another person who saw Thor and could not spare Loki a second look afterwards.

But this woman had never met Thor and she never would. She would never hear tales of the great feats of valor that his brother performed. She would never whistle the stupid ballads that various bards had composed to Thor’s honor.

Maybe the deck was stacked in Loki’s favor for that. But for now he would take it. Because this feeling of wonderment was like a drug. He needed it. He’d been so long without attention, without someone’s focus, without unconditional approval, that as he tasted it now, it fired his blood and left a yearning to feel more of it.

She broke the kiss but did not pull away from him. Instead, smiling up into his eyes she said, “There’s a disco in the next town over.”

“What?” he blinked down at her, the unfamiliar word bringing him back to his surroundings.

“Come on. You can drive. Or I can if you didn’t bring your car. I want to dance with you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re the only person I’ve ever met that I’ve wanted to dance with. I want to do everything there is to do with you. What better reason could there be than that? ” She disentangled herself from his arms and taking his hand, led him towards her vehicle. As they got in and she turned the key, she smiled back at him. “I honestly didn’t think you were going to come tonight.”

“I said I would.”

“Yes. But I’ve known liars before. But it was wrong to think you might be one. You’re not. There’s something about you. You’re special. And I’ve felt special ever since the day we met. And I’ve never felt more special than I do now.”

“Meredith…”

She beamed even more. “You remember my name.”

“Yes Meredith…er…”

“he laughed. “Quill. But that’s alright. First name is already a start.”

“I’m not special. And I do lie.”

“We all lie once in a while.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Anything,” she said. And he believed her.

“The other day. When we met. Why did you come over to me?”

“You’ll think I’m silly.”

“What was it?”

“I saw you across the store, and the sun was shining through the window on you. And you looked…like you were part of it. A being composed of pure light. Silly, I know. Just a trick of the light. That’s all it was and I knew it at the time. So I came over to talk to you. Just to show myself how silly I was being. But it didn’t work. And I went to lunch with you and then dinner, and then drinks, and then the time we spent along the riverbank. And each moment, each word you said and each gesture you made proved something to me…you were composed of pure light. Inside. There was something special about you. And it wasn’t the sunlight and it wasn’t a trick of the light. It was just you, or rather all you.”

He stared at her. “You’re wrong about me.”

She leaned over, close to him, her lips up to his ear and whispered, ever so softly, “No I’m not.”


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith became like an addiction to him. Each time he swore was the last, he would find himself again returning to that small, unimportant planet, to that unimportant girl. He knew that he should know better. He knew that his absence from Asgard, repeated too many times, would not go unnoticed. And worse, he knew that once or twice, his concentration had slipped, the shields he used to protect himself from Heimdall’s gaze had slipped. He was lucky. Each time had only lasted a fraction of a moment, and Heimdall had yet to notice. But he knew how dangerous was the ground he was treading. Midgard was forbidden. In the past centuries, one or two inhabitants from the Nine Realms had found their way to the planet, and Odin’s punishment had been swift and firm.

But it seemed each evening spent with Meredith made every other evening on Asgard that much more difficult. Her notice, made the slights of home harder to bear. Where before he could get through a feast of Thor’s exploits being lauded and his own ignored or overlook a gesture of pride from Odin direct at Thor relatively successfully, now it was unendurable. During his time at home, he became even more reclusive, but it rancoured when he realized no one, not even Frigga, noticed. And that drove him to seek out Midgard and Meredith even more.

When he was with her, everything from Asgard seemed so far away. The pain was still there but distant. And in her eyes he was perfect. In her eyes, he was wonderful, in her eyes he was everything.

She fell in love with him. And he knew he should leave. He knew at that point he owed it to her to pull away. But the feeling of being loved was too intoxicating. Too overpowering. And he could leave whenever he wanted. That’s what he told himself.

Meredith was a mere mortal. She was nothing. What did it matter if he whiled away a few hours with her?

And then it happened.

Loki was reading, trying to ignore the sounds of Fandral and Hogun squabbling, when Thor had come bounding into the room, grinning from ear to ear, excitement radiating out from him in waves.

Volstagg eyed him. “What has you so excited?”

Thor was oozing pride as he announced: “The Allfather has requested I begin to sit in on his meetings with foreign representatives.”

Loki froze. He knew what this meant. Given the babble of excitement from the others so did they. Odin was training Thor. He wanted to teach him. To hand over the throne. Odin had chosen.

Inwardly, Loki cursed himself. He shouldn’t be surprised. He shouldn’t feel this sting of pain. Odin had always chosen Thor. Despite Loki’s childhood beliefs that he might indeed earn the throne over Thor, in adulthood he had learned the cold hard fact that Odin would never choose him over Thor in anything, let alone when it came to the throne of Asgard. But it did hurt. He hurt. Worse, it was as if every wound ever inflicted by Odin, by Thor, by everyone continually loving the eldest prince of Asgard and ignoring the younger, was suddenly erupting in his head, oozing acid across his mind.

Loki shut his book and smiled. He congratulated Thor and gave one or two words of advice. Thor never even noticed. No one in the room did. No one seemed to realize that Loki had just lost something. Of course they didn’t. No one else had ever thought he would ever earn the throne either. It hurt how completely they dismissed the very possibility.

As soon as he could, Loki slipped away. His brain was screaming at him. He could hardly form a coherent thought. He couldn’t really remember doing so later, but somehow he made his way out of the palace, to the secret pathways and to Midgard. His brain continuing to scream the whole time.

And he found himself in front of Meredith’s apartment door. She answered, surprised to see him so early. But she let him in, smiling, happy. It was a small, dingy apartment. Shabby and cheap, but she had tried what she could to make it look nice.

But even Meredith couldn’t stop what was going on in his head. He felt like something was breaking. Something that he would never be able to put back together again.

Her smile faded. He wasn’t even sure if he’d greeted her before he started pacing back and forth across the living room. She sunk down on the couch and watched him, alert. Following him closely with her eyes. She said something at one point. He couldn’t remember exactly what it was but he shot back something nasty in response. She had blinked in surprise. He’d never spoken to her like that before.

She tried again and he ignored her. And then suddenly he turned and she was standing right in front of him. She tilted her chin up, as if daring him, her eyes were bright, but her voice was firm.

“What’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” he snapped.

“But I want to. I want to help you.”

“You couldn’t even begin to comprehend-”

“Then try me. I’m here Loki. I want to know what’s wrong. Why are you upset? If you ignore me, how can I help?”

“You can’t help.”

“Even if that’s true, I still want to know. I want to share this, whatever it is.”

He sneered at her. “You? Share anything with me? As if we were on the same level? You are nothing. You can’t even begin to understand how nothing you are compared to who I am.”

She blinked. He thought she was going to cry and he was glad. He wanted to hurt someone else. He didn’t want to be the only one screaming in pain.

And he was surprised when she reached out a hand and took his. “What is wrong?” she repeated, in the gentlest, softest voice he had ever heard. And it dawned on him why he could never stay away no matter how often he resolved to. He loved her. He loved her because she loved him and for so many reasons beside. He loved her because no matter what she said, he was not the being composed of pure light, it was her. Her with her sweetness, softness, and love. And it broke him.

He fell to his knees gasping for breath, fighting back an insane urge to laugh or cry. And she was right there, kneeling beside him. And he told her. He told her absolutely everything. Kneeling there on the ground together. It took hours. He told her of Asgard. He proved it with displays of his magic. He told her of Thor, of Odin, of the Warriors Three, even of Sif. He told her of the pain and the rejection. Of being passed over again, and again, and again. And he told her he loved her. Again, and again, and again.


	3. Chapter 3

“Did you really give birth to an eight-legged horse?”

Loki looked up, his jaw falling open. He stared at Meredith. It had been an…interesting couple of weeks. He had escaped to Midgard as often as he dared. For understandable reasons, Meredith had had an awful lot of questions to ask about Midgard, and magic, and the Nine Realms. It had been a lot for her to take in. But all her questions had, up until now, made some degree of sense. Was she now just throwing random questions at him to see what stuck?

She had a magazine in her hands. On impulse he reached over, and pulled it away. Hidden beyond the magazine was a small, blue book, titled ‘Norse Myths’. She smiled sheepishly up at him.

“Sorry, but I was awfully curious when I saw this at the library.”

He took the book from her hands and scanned the page she’d been reading. If possible, it only made him more shocked.

“I have never given birth to anything, let alone a _horse_ , eight-legged or otherwise,” he snapped. “How this author could come up with such lies-”

“It’s just a myth,” she said.

“He’s written them in a book, as fact. He says that I gave _birth_ to a _horse._ ”

“Well when you put it that way…”

“I don’t see any other way _to_ put it. It’s right here. Back on Asgard I am used to be being excluded from stories, but I have never had anything quite so insulting written about me.”

“But these are just _myths_. No one really believes them. “

“But a horse. With eight legs. I understood Midgardians to be slow but I thought you at least knew how many legs a horse was supposed to have and that baby horses come _from other horses_. And,” he said, catching sight for the first time of the horse’s name, “apparently it’s _my father’s horse_. Do you think Asgardians regularly go around, riding their grandsons?”

“We don’t really think anything at all. Most of us probably don’t even know this story.”

But Loki was frowning even more, having flipped through more of the book. “Apparently I also have a wolf for a child, oh! And a serpent. This just keeps getting better and better doesn’t it? What next? Will I give birth to a snail?”

“I think you’re overreacting,” said Meredith, crossing her arms. “It’s just a silly old book.”

“Oh, I do get one, actually normal girl child. I must have been having an off-day. Oh but I see she rules the underworld. How fitting for my one offspring that’s not an animal.”

“Loki, really…”

He flicked further in the book. “And apparently,” he said, reading through a few paragraphs. “I am also going to end the world.”

“Yes I saw that bit.”

“Of course Thor is fighting heroically to the end through it all. I’m surprised he doesn’t stop the whole thing singlehandedly.” He slammed the book shut. “When I chose to come to Midgard,” he said bitterly, “I thought I would be safe from Thor and his adoring admirers. I thought people wouldn’t look at me as the less perfect, inadequate son. Apparently I was wrong. Even in Midgard, where we’re nothing but legends, I am worse than nothing. I bring about the destruction of the whole world.”

Suddenly Meredith was laughing and moving to wrap her arms around him. “I have never, ever been in this situation before where I’ve had to assure someone that earth is stupid for thinking he’s going to end the world. But I can’t believe how amazingly lucky I am that I do.” She looked up at him, the love so evident in her eyes. “I’ll never have words enough to tell you how grateful I am that you chose to love me.”

He wanted to tell her that it hadn’t been a choice. That he was the lucky one. That she had given more than he could ever repay. He ached to say all the things that he hid away in a dark corner of his mind, too terrified to bring them to the light of day lest they slip through his fingers. But he couldn’t. So instead, he kissed her and forgot about the book.

"And," she added, whispering into his ear, "if you ask me, Thor sounds repulsive."

He laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

The exchanging of rings to mark commitment was not an Asgardian custom. But Loki knew that it meant something to Midgardians. And for her, he was willing to exchange them. He could give her little else and felt her worthy of so much, that he did what he could and the light in her eyes when he slipped the golden band upon her finger, moved him, made it worth it, inspired him to believe in it. Besides, as no Asgardian would recognize such a ring, he could wear his on a chain around his next when back home without fear of it being spotted and known for what it was.

Vows were part of the Asgardian wedding ceremony. He didn't know if his and Meredith's counted. Sitting on the ground of her small apartment, their arms around each other, leaning against the foot of the couch, whispering whatever promises came into their heads. It had felt sacred and meaningful. Somedays he could believe they were. Other days, the part of him that knew what they had couldn't last, felt like they had been playacting.

He knew all too well that playacting came at a price. You paid for the lies you told, especially those you told to yourself.

And deep down he knew that this lie. And the lie that he could have this, the lie that he could be this happy, this loved, this cherished, that lie would bear a weighty cost.

* * *

He had been forced to stay away longer than he had done for some time. Frigga had been worried about how little time he and Thor had spent in each other's company of late and so Odin, heading her advice, had sent the two, along with Sif and the Warriors Three, on a diplomatic mission to help keep two fractions from declaring war.

Loki had tried arguing that Thor and a peace keeping mission were two things that should never, ever go together, but he'd been overruled.

It was no surprise that Thor had nearly incited violence rather than prevent it, but ultimately, Loki had managed to smooth ruffled feathers and propose compromises. Of course none of that had mattered to anyone when they returned to the palace. All that anyone talked about was Thor's performance in the one fight they hadn't been able to avoid.

But Loki was surprised to realize that he couldn't find it in himself to resent it. He was just too…happy.

As soon as he felt he could without drawing notice, he slipped away, happy to leave Asgard to Thor, as he hurried to the secret pathways and to Midgard.

He arrived at Meredith's apartment building and hurried up the stairs to the fourth floor. He was surprised on reaching it to see a tall, middle-aged man step out of Meredith's apartment and shut the door. The man looked both angry and unhappy.

The two passed each other in the hall and Loki sensed the man turning around to look at him. Heeding his instincts, Loki walked past Meredith's apartment and headed on to the end of the hall. The man, apparently content that Loki was visiting another apartment, turned and left. Loki backtracked and knocked on Meredith's door.

There was a pause and then it opened.

"I'm not going to talk about this anymore with y- oh! Loki!" She flung her arms around him and kissed him.

Loki had to use his foot to close the apartment door, as both their hands where fully occupied. In fact, it was a full ten minutes before either one was able to say another word.

"I've missed you," she whispered at last, leaning against him contentedly on the couch.

"I'm sorry. Odin sent Thor and I to prevent a war."

She laughed. "Oh, if that's all," she said, "just stopping a silly old war. Just run of the mill things."

He grinned and then his smile faded a bit. "Who was that?"

"Who was who?"

"The man I saw leaving your apartment."

"Oh." The happiness faded a bit from her voice. "That was my father."

"Oh." He thought about that for a moment. "He looked upset."

"He was."

"Why?"

"Because I wouldn't tell him about you."

Loki frowned. "How does he even know about me?"

"He doesn't. Not exactly." Meredith froze. He glanced down and saw on her face a strange expression that he couldn't quite decipher, which was unusual. Usually he could read her so easily. "Loki…" She reached out and took his hand, entwining her fingers with his. "I didn't want him to know anything at all about it. At least, obviously he would have had to know eventually, only I would have liked to have told you first."

She had straightened, sitting up and pulling away from him a little, turning to see his face.

"Told me what?"

"You see," she said, not answer his question. "My father saw me come out of the doctor's office. And even if I wanted to I couldn't think of a lie to explain what I was doing there."

"Doctor's-, Meredith," he said, sitting up straight himself now and looking at her with concern. "Are you sick?"

"No! No not at all," she said hastily. "It's something else. I-, oh Loki. I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

It hit him like a Bilgesnipe running at full speed. He focused on something he could wrap his head around more easily.

"And your father was upset?"

It clearly wasn't what she had expected him to say, and she looked a little hurt, but she answered, "Yes. You see he doesn't know about you and us and…how things stand. And when I wouldn't tell him who the father is…well he doesn't know what to think."

"Was he cruel to you?" asked Loki, rage flickering through his brain.

"No! No," she said hurriedly, "Disappointed perhaps, hurt. But he loves me. And it's going to be all right. At least, with him. But…Loki, I'm scared…I…" She suddenly did look very scared and very young. Humans lived such short lives, he thought suddenly. He had seen so much, lived so many years compared to her. And even he could feel the terror building in the pit of his stomach. How must she, who had seen only a little over two decades of life, how must she be feeling?

She had given him so much. He could at least give her a little courage. He pulled her into his arms. "It will be all right dear heart. It will be all right."

He was the god of lies, and he recognized this as a lie. A child was just one more thing to lose. And he saw no way that this could end well.


	5. Chapter 5

Years later it would be a moment that stood out from all the other beautiful moments. Why, Loki would never know, but somehow that one day, sitting along the riverbank, Meredith's head in his lap, as the two watched the sun slowly descend and the stars come out, one by one, would stand out in his memory when he thought back. Not that he often allowed himself to think back. It became too painful, too hard, brought too much rage to surface.

As the night wore on, Meredith raised a hand and pointed up at the stars. "Have you been to them all Loki?"

"No."

"Have you been to some of them?"

"I have traveled to a few worlds. Not as many as I might have liked."

"Our child will travel to them all. Nothing will be beyond him."

"Nothing? That's quite a lot of things."

"He'll do it. He'll do it all. After all, he's the son of a prince isn't he, and a mage?"

"And your son. And any child of yours will be a child of goodness and kindness."

"Ah, but I want to give him the stars," she said, beaming up at them as she spoke. "And that shall be your responsibility. Lord of the stars, that shall be our son."

"Lord of the stars?" Loki raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. Star-Lord, how does that sound?"

"For a name? I don't know about Midgard but on Asgard that name would insure every child his own age would laugh at him."

"Not his name. But he could be our little Star-Lord. Just for us," she said dreamily.

He smiled and didn't respond. The two watched the stars until the sun came up the next morning.

* * *

 

"Loki!"

Loki froze and turned. Frigga was heading down the hall towards him.

"Allmother," he bowed a little.

"Loki I've been looking all over for you."

"Is there something you need of me?" He was eager to get away. He was supposed to meet Meredith tonight.

Frigga studied him. "I'm worried about you."

"What?" He blinked. "Why?"

"You've been so absent of late. Yesterday I looked all over the palace for you and no one seemed to know where you were."

"I'm sorry. If I had known you were looking for me…"

"Where were you?" she insisted.

"I took some books out into the countryside and read. It's more relaxing out there. I find it easier to concentrate."

Frigga continued to study him and Loki resisted the temptation to shift nervously. If there was one person who had always been harder to lie to than the others, it was his mother. He could fool her some of the time, but at other moments it seemed as if she could see right through him.

"If there were something wrong Loki, you know you could come to me?" she asked him gently.

"Of course."

"Or your father. We both love you very much."

"Of course," he repeated, but with less conviction in his voice. Frigga looked at him a little sadly.

"Your father is very busy, and has many responsibilities, sometimes that makes it difficult for him to show all he feels-"

 _And yet he always finds time to show it to Thor,_ thought Loki, but the usual bitterness was not there. He remained silent.

Frigga said no more, she simply stood there, waiting, as if hoping Loki would say something.

"Is that all?" asked Loki at last.

Frigga sighed and nodded. "Yes. That is all."

"Then I will take my leave." He bowed again, and left.

Perhaps the wise choice would have been to stay in Asgard for a while. But he could not leave Meredith now. Not when she needed him the most.

* * *

 

Meredith greeted him that night with her usual delight, but she looked tired and drained. He had considered talking to her about his meeting with the Allmother, but one glance at Meredith put the thought out of his head. He would be strong for her and not add to her worries.

"I'm fine," she said when he asked how she was doing. "I'm just tired. But then I am pregnant so that's to be expected." She sighed and pulled him to the couch. "Hold me," she said, leaning into him. "I just want to close my eyes for a moment." A little later, she was sleeping in his arms. Loki wished he could be as peaceful. But his worries were like wolves at bay, howling and barking and snapping as the campfire slowly flicked down. Eventually the fire would go out, and he feared the wolves would prove all too real then.


	6. Chapter 6

He couldn't be there when their son was born. He couldn't even be there for the first week of his life. But when at last Loki was free to slip down to Midgard and hold his son in his arms, nothing else had mattered.

Meredith had lain, tired but happy on the couch and watched, contentedly and happy as Loki looked down at their boy and felt a world of joy, pride, bliss, and more love than he'd known any being was capable of.

"He's…perfect," he murmured. "What's his name?"

She looked surprised. "You didn't think I'd name him without you?"

"He's been nameless for a week?"

"Of course! My father hasn't liked that but he's been coming round every day just the same and been terribly kind."

Loki frowned. He had taken a strong dislike to Meredith's father based on little evidence but the chance comment Meredith had dropped that the man had continued to not be overly pleased about her pregnancy. "You have to understand," she said, when she realized Loki was harboring this dislike, "it's not me he's angry at. It's you. Or rather the idea of you. I'm afraid no matter what I say, he's built up quite the story of a lowlife creep who's left me pregnant and run. I tell him it's not like that but he doesn't believe it. And I can very well tell him you're an alien now can I? As much as I'd like to just to see the expression on his face if I did. Not that he'd believe it."

Loki had inwardly thought that her father was not completely wrong in his judgement of him, but still, Loki continued to dislike him. Perhaps because he did indeed feel guilty for not giving Meredith more.

Back in the present, Meredith said a little hesitantly, "But I did have an idea."

"What?"

"What do you think about…Peter?"

Peter. It wasn't an Asgardian name, but then Peter would not grow up on Asgard. "I like it." Then he grinned. "Anything is better than Star-Lord."

"Oh he's still our Star-Lord. But he can also be Peter."

Loki looked into his son's eyes and smiled. Somehow Star-Lord didn't seem so ridiculous now. Later, after Meredith had fallen asleep on the couch and he placed Peter down in his crib, Loki spoke softly to him and made a vow, just between the two of them.

"I promise you, you will never feel unloved, unwanted, or unvalued. You will never have need to build walls and never be made to feel lesser. And you will always be, my little Star-Lord."

He turned off the light and went to sit near Meredith, holding her until the sun rose.

* * *

The next three months were perfect. Or as near perfect as they could be when Loki couldn't spend every moment on Midgard.

But even with all his foreboding and fears, when disaster came, it hit harder than he would have thought possible.

It was winter on Midgard. Cold and icy. At least Meredith told him it was. Loki never seemed to be much bothered by the cold. It was the same for Asgardian winters, though those were more temperate than Midgard's.

Meredith had understandably been tired after Peter's birth and understandably, having to look after a newborn, sometimes completely alone, she remained tired. But while it didn't immediately strike him, somewhere in the back of his head Loki noticed that she wasn't regaining her strength quite like she ought. In fact, she seemed weaker than she had before the birth.

When at last he brought it up, she blinked. "I suppose I am tired," she admitted, after a pause, "I hadn't given it much thought. I've been too happy to think about it. But Peter's so young and there's so much work, wonderful happy work, to take care of him, of course I'm a little tired."

"I know but…perhaps…" Loki broke off.

"What?"

"I just think maybe you should go to this realm's doctors. Just to make sure. I have seen women after they've become mothers, and they don't…they're not quite as…I don't know the word I'm looking for. It just seems like a different kind of tiredness."

"You've seen women from another planet." Meredith raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Are you saying all us women are alike no matter what planet we're from?"

He laughed. "No." But he grew serious again. "But please. To ease my mind."

"Oh alright, worrywart. I'll do it."

And that had been enough for him to stop worrying, because deep down he hadn't really and truly believed that anything could possibly be wrong. And they had played with Peter, and then put him to bed and the two had sat on the couch, whispering every thought and feeling. It was the last, completely happy moment they had.


	7. Chapter 7

When things began to fall apart, they fell apart quickly, almost, it seemed, instantaneously, as if they were already fractured and one touch was all they needed to come crashing to the ground.

He had knocked on Meredith’s door and she had opened it, but for the first time as she smiled up at him there was a strain behind the eyes, a distractedness which had never been there before. Always, always he held her attention, but now…she was elsewhere. She was not focused on him.

Rather than be hurt, as he might have been once upon a time, he was worried, because he knew her and trusted her and had faith in her love, and that realization alone surprised him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, once inside. “Is Peter-”

“On no! He’s fine,” she said, the worry gone for a moment replaced by a more complete smile. “Asleep at the moment, but he’s been as good as gold all day.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“I can see that something is worrying you.”

“No, not worrying, just…bothering.” She hesitated. “I went to the doctor’s like you wanted.”

“And?” He had almost forgotten about that, unable to actually believe that anything could seriously be wrong.

“They want me to come back. I don’t know exactly what they’re thinking, they wouldn’t tell me. But they looked grim and said they needed to run further tests.” She sat down on the couch. “I think…Loki, I think you were right. I think something is wrong.”

He sat down next to her. “You don’t know that.”

“No. But it was the way they said it…the way they looked. And I had Peter with me of course and they looked at him and they looked so…sorry for him. I’m sacred Loki.”

He put his arm around her. “It’s going to be all right.” It was as much for his sake as for hers.

“I don’t know…I just don’t know…” She murmured. “What if…Peter…what would happen to him?”

“It’s going to be all right,” he said firmly.

“But Peter,” she insisted. “Could you, just let us say that something _was_ wrong and that they can’t-, that I don’t- …what would happen to Peter?” She looked him squarely in the face. “Would you be able to take him to Asgard?”

Loki hesitated.

“Please,” she said, grabbing his hand desperately. “Please say you would Loki. He needs a parent. He’ll need you.”

“You don’t understand.”

“What’s there to understand? You’re his father! You love him! I know you do. And he loves you!”

“It’s not as simple as that. Meredith, I’ve seen how that plays out!”

“What do you mean?”

“There was once, many centuries ago, an Asgardian that came to this world and had a child with a Midgardian. When the Allfather found out, the Agardian was of course punished and forbidden from every venturing to Midgard again. And the child was brought to Asgard as the Allfather was afraid of how much Asgardian strength the boy would have. As I told you, the Allfather has been committed to keeping the existence of the Nine Realms hidden from Midgard ever since the war with the Jötunn.”

“So you _could_ take Peter then?” she said, eagerly.

“I…I knew that boy. And his fate I would not wish on our son.”

She blinked. “What fate?”

“The boy had a Midgardian life cycle. The friends he made as a child were still children, myself included, by the time he was an old man. That isolation, that inability to truly connect with anyone, was difficult. I believe he even fell in love,” Loki hesitated before continuing. This part of the story he had thought about more than a few times in connection to Meredith and himself. But as it was he who would ultimately pay the price, he had always pushed it back out of his mind. “But he was not allowed to marry her. For though she loved him in return, her parents could not allow her to marry a man who would only be alive for a fraction of her own lifespan. And then…he did not inherit the Asgardian strength. And so he could not be a warrior. And you know, more than anyone else, what I have endured because I do not fit into the typical paths demanded by my world. That isolation and loneliness: I will not give that to my son.”

Meredith was crying now, silent tears crawling down her cheeks. “Then what are we going to do?”

With all the strength he had in him, strength that had come directly from Meredith and therefore he owed her to give it back in return, he forced himself to smile at her. “We don’t know that we have to do anything dear heart. This planet is very backwards. I suspect the doctors will prove to be wrong. Let us not worry about what we do not even know is true.”

For the rest of the day he worked hard to distract her. He made her laugh. He made her forget her worries. But as he left that night, he finally had to confront his own. As he stood out on the street, the night well underway, the stars shining overhead, the doubt and fear that he had kept at bay while comforting Meredith crashed down upon him and in that instant his concentration flickered and fell, and the shields he kept up at all times, keeping out Heimdall’s gaze, slipped. He was too distracted to notice, and he would never know that it was in that instant that Heimdall, following the Allmother’s worried request to keep an eye on him, saw him and knew he was on Midgard.


	8. Chapter 8

There was on a knock on Loki’s bedroom door.

“Come in!”

A guard entered and bowed. “The Allfather requests your presence in the throne room.”

Loki nodded, lay aside his book and stood. As he made his way to the throne room, he wasn’t overly worried. Most likely there was some mission he and Thor were to be sent on. His only concern was that it might delay his return to Midgard and that he might now be present for Meredith if she needed him.

He frowned though as he stepped into the room and found it empty except for his parents. Thor was nowhere in sight.

Odin was not seated on his throne but instead pacing up and down near the windows while Frigga stood at the side, her expression curiously blank, but a line of worry was around her eyes.

As Loki approached his father turned to him and instantly Loki knew something was wrong. Odin looked angry and Loki’s mind at once flew to the only thing he could think of that could have angered him: somehow he had learned about Midgard.

“Loki,” Odin began. “I am going to give you once chance to tell me the truth. No lies, no trickery. Have you been visiting Midgard?”

Loki hesitated. He glanced towards his mother. She met his eyes steadily but did not give any indication as to what he should say.

“Do not look at your mother!” snapped Odin. “I ask you again: have you been visiting Midgard?”

Loki looked back at his father. Odin knew. Of course he knew. There was no other explanation for this line of questioning. The only question that remained was how much he knew.

“Yes.”

Odin radiated fury. “You know the law!”

“I do.”

“But you fancy yourself above it? You believe that as prince I will ignore your flagrant disregard for my orders! If that is the case you are sadly mistaken. For you have not only disobeyed me as my subject you have disobeyed me as my son!”

Loki remained silent.

“Answer me!”

“I have never been given any reason to believe that my relationship to you would earn me anything,” said Loki dryly.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

Loki hesitated. He felt angry. But underneath that anger there was pure terror and that was what had caused him to lash out.

Frigga’s expression of neutrality had dropped and she was frowning at Loki as if trying to figure something out.

He could not let her see into him. He could not let any of them see into him.

“You have never given your sons special license to disregard the law,” said Loki, pretending that was what he meant all along.

Odin seemed to buy it. “And yet you did disregard it!”

“I was curious.”

“Curious?” Odin thundered.

“I had read so much about the world. I know that there are laws and that they are there for a reason. I was wrong. I knew it. But I wished to learn.”

Odin would believe that. After all, hadn’t Loki developed a reputation for caring for little but his books?

His father sighed. “And for that you disobeyed me?”

“I wished to see it for myself.”

There was a pause. “How often?”

“What?”

“How often did you go there?”

Loki hesitated. What did Odin know? He glanced towards his mother again, but she once again gave no hint.

He could say just once. But if Odin knew that to be a lie, he might wonder…

“A few times,” Loki admitted.

Anger flared on Odin’s face again.

So he hadn’t known that it was more than once. Loki swore mentally.

Shaking with fury, Odin spoke: “I have sent you and Thor on diplomatic missions. I trusted you with responsibilities. It seems I was mistaken. You have not earned the trust your brother has.”

Loki blinked, the only sign of emotion. Frigga started and looked towards her husband and spoke at last.

“Perhaps,” she said, “Loki you should return to your chambers. Your father is upset.” Odin opened his mouth to say something but she laid a hand upon his arm. “We can speak further of this later when we have all had time to think.”

Odin hesitated and then nodded curtly. Loki turned on his heel, and stalked out.


	9. Chapter 9

Across the room there was a burst of laughter and Loki frowned, trying to focus on his book. Volstagg slapped Fandral on the back and pushed a tankard towards him.

"And then," continued Fandral, after taking a long drink, "she dropped the whole thing on my lap and stalked out!"

There was another roar of laughter. Loki gripped the edge of his book, his nerves on edge.

"Serves you right," said Sif.

Thor grinned and took a long drink, before glancing over at his brother. "Loki! Join us!"

"I'm perfectly content over here by the window," said Loki, not looking up from his book.

"Oh don't mope," said Volstagg. "Just because the Allfather found out about your little trips."

This did make Loki look up, sharply, and towards Thor who at least had the good grace to look a little sheepish.

"Father might have mentioned something about it," said Thor. "He wanted to know if I'd been aware of them."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "And so you decided to tell everyone else?"

"We're not everyone else," said Hogun.

"Of course he told us," said Fandral, raising his tankard. "We're friends. And I for one want to hear all about it. Should have taken us with you!"

Loki turned back to his book.

"Come on," said Volstagg, "what is the ale like there?"

"And the women!" said Fandral brightly.

Loki slammed shut the book, stood, and stalked out of the room.

Fandral rolled his eyes.

Thor looked apologetically around at the others. "I believe the Father was quite angry when he learned about it."

"And Loki's still sulking from his talking too?" asked Volstagg.

"Can't blame him," said Fandral. "I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of that eye."

They had all drunk quite a lot by that point, and this comment was enough to send them into peals of laughter and forget about Loki.

* * *

Loki returned to his room and pushed open the doors to the balcony. He stood there, looking out, the cool breeze on his face and Asgard before him. He hated the sight of it.

He had not seen or spoken to his parents since the confrontation in the throne room yesterday. But all he could think of was Meredith. Meredith expecting him. Meredith, sick perhaps, scared. She needed him and he couldn't reach her. He knew he was being watched now. He could see no way of reaching her…

An image of Peter sprang to mind and a feeling of intense pain swept through him.

There was a knock on the door of his chambers and Frigga entered.

"Loki?"

He kept his back to her for a few seconds, struggling to return his expression to its accustomed mask, before turning turned.

She smiled at him. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine."

She came nearer to him. "I hope you understand that your father was upset yesterday. We both love you very much. But he was disappointed by what you did. That's all." Loki said nothing, and Frigga sighed. She reached out her hand for his as she had done when he was younger but he did not take it. "Talk to me Loki. Why did you do this?"

He was thinking, fast, working through a lie that just might get him what he needed.

"I thought," he said slowly, "that I might be able to make friends on Midgard."

Frigga looked surprised at this admission, concerned, but at the same time not ill pleased to have been trusted with this confession. "You have friends here," she said.

He gave a dry laugh. "I have Thor's friends."

"They're your friends as well."

"How? We share none of the same interests. I thought on Midgard I might be able to make friends of my own. And I did."

"You didn't tell them the truth about yourself did you?" she asked, worried.

"Of course not. But…I want to say good bye to them."

"What?"

"If I just vanish and never return to Midgard, they'll have questions, they'll wonder what happened to me. But if I could go back, just for one more day, I could explain myself. Say I was moving. For work or…some such story. Please! It would mean so much to me."

"Loki you know the law…"

"I do. But I need to be able to set things right. All I ask for is one day. To say goodbye. Please. Grant me this."

"It is not mine to grant."

"But it is Odin's. And he would allow it for your sake."

"If you asked, he might allow it for yours."

"No he wouldn't," said Loki simply.

Frigga opened her mouth as if to argue the point but then shut it again. At last she nodded. "I'll see what I can do."


	10. Chapter 10

Even with Frigga advocating for him, Loki was surprised when his request was granted. He didn’t know exactly what she said to convince Odin and he didn’t care. Odin had agreed, and he was permitted one full day to return to Midgard.

It was strange to go there by way of the Bifrost rather than the secret pathways, and he tried to ignore Heimdall as he stepped into the chamber and prepared to be sent. He knew Heimdall would be keeping an extremely close eye on him whilst he was on Midgard. Vanishing would not be an option. Heimdall would be on his guard, prepared to act quickly should Loki stay past the twenty-four hours Odin had granted him or if he tried to disappear. All Loki would be able to do would be to throw up an illusion around himself so that Heimdall would not discover Meredith or Peter.

As Heimdall eyes met his, Loki kept his face a careful blank until the Bifrost swept him away.

On Midgard Loki wasted no time. He had so little of it left. He made his way quickly to Meredith’s apartment, but on reaching her door he hesitated. He could hear music coming through it. He could faintly catch the words...

_Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound  
Funny, but it's still rock and roll to me…_

He leaned against the door for a moment, tired, weary to the bone, but smiling to himself. Meredith and her music. He wouldn’t be surprised if Peter grew up to be a musician instead of the star-travelling wanderer that Meredith dreamed for him. The smile faded as the unwelcome thought nudged into his brain that he’d probably never know.

Loki knocked on the door.

The music switched off instantly and he heard footsteps hurrying and then the door swung open.

“Loki!” There was pure relief on Meredith’s face as she said his name. And perhaps it was knowing that he might never see her again…but she had never looked more beautiful to him.

He was through the door and kissing her a split second later, kissing her desperately and hungrily and it took a while to realize that her returning kiss seemed just as desperate, just as panicked.

Loki pulled back a little and studied her.

She looked pale and tired but he could make nothing further out.

Leading her to the couch, the two sat down.

“Well?” he asked.

She played with a loose thread of her shirt and looked down not meeting his eyes. Reaching out, he placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face so that their eyes could meet. She was crying.

“Meredith,” he said softly, and that was all. He could ask questions later, for now he just held her, knowing instinctively that that was what she needed.

For nearly half an hour she just stayed in his arms, and it was only at the end of that time that she said, softly, “The doctors say I’m sick.”

His grip tightened around her shoulder. “How sick?”

“I might die.” She said it so softly that he almost missed it.

He took a shaking breath.

“Loki?” she pulled back and looked up at him, hopefully. “You said that Asgard was more advanced in many ways to Earth. Do you think-, medical care or cures, there might be something there that would help me?”

It took effort to answer. “Even if I could find a way to bring you there, to get the healers to help you…it wouldn’t work. Asgardians and Midgardians look similar but we are not the same. And our research has all been for Asgardians. It wouldn’t work on you. I’m…sorry.” Sorry seemed so inadequate, he hated himself for saying it.

But she wasn’t angry. Merely crushed. It clearly took a great deal of effort for her not to start crying again.

“Oh,” was all she said. There was a long pause. “We don’t know what will happen,” she said at last. “People do get better. I might get better. And if I don’t…well.” She shrugged. “I have you and I have Peter. My life has been so full since I’ve met you. It’s not…it wouldn’t be the same as if I’d…died without having any of the things you’ve given me. And there’s so much left for us. No matter how long or-, or how short I have.”

Loki felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. He had to tell her…he had to her…he had to tell her…

But how could he?

She must have noticed something in his expression because she frowned. “What is it sweetheart?”

“I-…oh Meredith. How am I going to tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“Odin knows.”

She sat up straighter. “Knows _what_?”

“About my coming to Midgard.”

“No!” she said, sudden fury in her voice. “He can’t take Peter from me! Not now! I need him Loki. I can’t have him taken when I’m…when I might not...”

“No,” he said quickly. “He doesn’t know about you or Peter. He won’t take him. He just knows that I’ve been coming to Midgard.” He looked off across the room, anywhere but at her. He couldn’t face her. How could he tell her that he couldn’t be there for her when she needed him most. He wanted to destroy something or someone. He wanted to tear worlds apart. He wanted others to hurt as much as he was hurting right now.

_How could he tell her?_

But Meredith had always understood him in a way he hadn’t ever even been able to understand himself. Her hand wrapped around his and she said, in the gentlest, softest voice, filled with concern for him and nothing else, as if he was the one who mattered here and her own fears no longer were important, “What happened Loki? How can I help?”

 _How can I help?_ That was what she had asked the day he told her the truth about himself. And here she was asking it again when she was sick, when he just told her that he himself couldn’t help her. It broke him inside.

A wild idea occurred to him of taking Meredith and Peter and running. Leaving the Nine Realms behind and never looking back.

But it wasn’t possible. Perhaps even a week ago he could have done it, but now it was too late. They’d never make it. Not with Heimdall watching so closely. And Meredith was sick. This planet’s medicines would be her best hope.

“I can’t come back,” he said. The words came out bitter and cold. He hoped she understood that the coldness was not meant for her.

He could feel her hand freeze in his.

“For a while?” she whispered.

Loki shook his head. “Forever.”

“Oh.”

He drew back. “I’m sorry Meredith,” he said abruptly. “I’m so sorry. What I’ve done, how I’ve hurt you-”

She surged forward on the couch and wrapped her arms tightly around him. “You haven’t. Didn’t you hear me Loki? My life with you has been so full…you’ve given me the strength…whatever happens…I can face it. Because I know you love me. Even if you’re across the galaxy, I’ll know you still love me. And such think how amazing that is? A love that can reach across the galaxy! You gave me that and your father, no one, can take that away from me. From us.”

He kissed her. Deeply, passionately, and without restraint. The two tangled around each other, and were content with silence for a while.

It was later, after Meredith had fed Peter, that she sat back down next to Loki on the couch and asked him something that had been troubling her.

“What about Peter?”

Loki didn’t want to talk about Peter. It was too hard. But today wasn’t about what he wanted. It was about what Meredith needed. “You don’t have to worry about him being taken from you. As I said, Odin doesn’t know about him, and I’ll never tell.”

She shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. I might not make it Loki,” she said simply. “And then Peter will be alone. He’ll have my father. He’ll be good to him. And to me,” she added gently, smiling up at Loki. “So you mustn’t worry that I’ll be facing all this alone. But Peter should have a parent. And when I’m gone…”

“I told you why he cannot come to Asgard.”

“I know,” she said. “But isn’t there…isn’t there some other way, any other way? Peter is so lucky to have you for his father. For him to never know that, well it breaks my heart Loki.”

Loki stared off into the distance. He didn’t agree with her that Peter was lucky to be his son, but he had promised Peter hadn’t he? He had promised him that he would never be alone or unloved. _He had promised him._

If Meredith…if Meredith died…just thinking that was excruciating, but if she was gone, would Peter, raised by his grandfather, face the kind of childhood Loki had had? And would he wonder about his father and why he hadn’t been good enough to keep his father around?

He had promised Peter and he needed to keep that promise. And suddenly he saw a possibility.

Loki turned to Meredith. “I’ll come for him.”

“What?”

“When-if something happens to you, I’ll take Peter, and he and I will leave. We’ll leave the Nine Realms. Outside of them Odin has no jurisdiction. He can’t force us to come back and we can hide. It’s beyond Heimdall’s gaze. I’ll find a world in which Peter can fit in. Where he won’t be isolated and alone. Where he can live a rich, full life. Where he can become the Star-Lord you’ve always wanted him to be.”

Meredith beamed. “You could do that?”

“Yes. For a while Odin isn’t going to trust me or take his eyes off me. Not now that he knows about my trips to Midgard. But I’ll act the part of the dutiful son. I’ll be the perfect prince of Asgard. I’ll do everything Odin asks of me and more. I’ll even play nice with Thor. I’ll earn back Odin’s trust, so that when the time comes, when you need me, when Peter’s needs me, I’ll be able to slip away. Our son will not grow up without a parent. Our son will be more loved, more cherished, than any other child ever has been.”

Meredith kissed him. “I love you.” Then she frowned. “How will you know? How will you know when…when to come for Peter?”

Loki hesitated, thinking. He then stood up and took a knife from the kitchen and returned. He took Meredith’s hand. “This will hurt,” he said apologetically. “But I have to do it.”

She nodded.

He made a small cut in the palm of her hand, and watched as a few drops of blood welled up. Then slipping the golden ring off his finger, he placed it on top of the blood and covered her hand with his. He murmured a few words of magic, there was a blue glow, and when he removed his hand, the ring now shone red. He picked it up and slipped it back on his hand.

“This ring,” he said, showing it to her, “will shine as long as your heart beats. If and when its color fades back to gold…I’ll know that Peter needs me. And I’ll come for him. I swear.”

* * *

 

It was strange how quickly a day could pass. Strange and so unjust. Each moment was precious and over so quickly.

There was so much to say and so little time. And yet, Loki almost didn’t want to ruin their last few hours with words. The silence with her was so precious. He wanted to hold Meredith. He wanted to remember the feeling of her in his arms forever.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t just. It was cruel and brutal.

He wished she would accuse him, that she would upbraid him for creating this situation in which she was to be left alone to raise a child and face an illness, without the man she loved by her side. He wouldn’t have blamed her if she hated him.

But she didn’t. Her only anger was at Odin and even then she seemed to feel that their last day together was too dear to spend on anger.

The hours ticked by and at last he forced him to stand. She looked up, terror suddenly in her face.

“Not yet,” he said. “I have a little while longer only…I want to go say goodbye to Peter.”

She nodded.

He walked into the bedroom where Peter was sleeping and picked the child up from the cradle. Peter woke, but didn’t cry. Instead he sleepily clasped one of Loki’s fingers.

Loki found that he was shaking. Forcing himself to remain calmed he kissed Peter on the forehead.

“I love you Star-Lord. And I’ll be there for you if you need me. What adventures we could have!”

He didn’t think he could say anymore. If he did, he would cry, and he would not, could not, show Meredith a tearstained face. He needed to be strong for her.

Loki lay Peter back in the cradle and watched until the boy fell back asleep and then he stepped back out into the living room.

Meredith was standing, waiting for him.

He came over and kissed her.

“I should go,” he said softly.

Her grip tightened.

“I can’t risk being late,” he said. “Odin can’t send anyone down to look for me. He can’t find out about you.”

“No,” she agreed. “I can’t lose Peter as well.”

He nodded, and stood there, holding her for another minute. “I don’t know how to say goodbye,” he said at last. “I don’t know how to say I love you for the last time.”

She smiled up at him, tears welling in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She tucked a strand of his hair back behind his ear. “Do you remember the day we met?”

In spite of himself, he smiled. “Yes. You came over to me in the store.”

She nodded, “And do you remember what I said to you when you asked why I did that?”

He didn’t answer.

“I saw the lightness in you. Loki, if I never see you again, I want you to know something. You’re so hard on yourself.”

He actually laughed at that. “What?”

Meredith shrugged. “I think deep down, you judge yourself harsher than anyone else does. Your world, your family, friends, they’ve done that to you. If I could punish every last one of them for that, I would. You are light but you see only darkness where this is none. Light creates shadow, and that is what you see: your shadow, and that’s not the real you. Never forget who you are: a being composed of pure light. No matter what anyone else says. No matter what anyone else tells you. No matter what anyone else makes you feel. _You are light_.”

If he spoke now, he would cry. So instead he kissed her. A deep, desperate kiss. A kiss that he hoped would say all the things he no longer had the strength to say. When it was over, they simply looked at each other, and she nodded, ever so slightly, as if she knew everything in his heart and in his head, and then he left.

As the apartment door shut behind him, he broke, and finally allowed himself to cry.

For several long minutes he stood out in the hallway, and wept silently. But he only allowed himself a little time. He wouldn’t risk Meredith finding him like this.

He forced himself to straighten; he forced himself back into control, and he walked out of the building.

Outside, Midgard was sunny, with a pleasant breeze blowing in the trees. It was a lovely world. And he realized as he looked around that he had felt more at home here than he ever had on Asgard.

He took the red ring off his finger and put it back on the chain around his neck before dropping the magical illusion that he had so carefully kept up around him and then mentally reached out to Heimdall.

 _I’m ready_.

As he felt the Bifrost reach out to him, he felt a surge of panic and mental agony. But by the time he was deposited back in the chamber before Heimdall, he face was a perfect mask of indifference.

Frigga was waiting for him anxiously. She searched his face, looking for some hint of his feelings. But he ignored her, and walked past her, back to the palace.


	11. Chapter 11

Loki kept to his plan. He became the perfect son and perfect prince. He gave Odin a groveling apology for his trips to Midgard, using his words so well and so prettily that Odin actually smiled and told him that it was forgiven.

He wrapped himself completely in the part he had to play. It helped. There was an ache inside him that could not be mended but he could focus on his part, he could focus on what he needed to do in order to be ready for when Peter needed him, and if it did not ease the ache at least it helped him to forget, even if only for a moment, as he became the lie.

The part he played also became a shield. Things that might have hurt or pained him glanced off it because there was no room for resentment. He had a task at hand and could put all of himself into it. The rest wasn’t important.

Frigga was the only one, who every now and then, seemed to see that something was off. But then she would look again and it’d be gone and she could never quite place what it was that she had seen. She knew that Loki had grown more distant from her than ever before, and it pained her, but try as she might she could not bring him back to her. But neither could she could put into words anything to support this feeling. It might seem only her imagination. Odin might brush her worries away. But she knew that there was gulf between her and Loki, a gulf hidden cleverly by illusions and deception. But even if she could not see it, she could feel it.

There was only one moment each day when Loki could be himself and drop the mask. In the dead of night he could lie on his bed, his chamber door locked, the curtains drawn, and he could hold the red ring in his hand.

He would watch it, sometimes for hours, in the darkness. It glowed, ever so slightly, and as he held it he knew he held his last and only connection to Meredith. He would wonder how she was, what she was doing. He would remember and he would imagine.

And Peter? What was Peter doing? He knew the Midgardian lifespan but did not have a perfect knowledge of the exact rate at which they grew. And then Peter was only half Midgardian. The other half was Asgard. That might chance the rate at which he learned things even more. Would Peter be talking yet? Would he be walking? What would Meredith tell him about his father?

The ring’s color stayed strong and Loki took hope. Perhaps the doctors had been wrong. Perhaps they had cured her.

Once or twice, at his most desperate, or perhaps his most optimistic, he wasn’t sure which, he envisioned a future in which Odin made him king of Asgard and his first act would be to lift the laws barring Asgardians from Midgard. He would rush down to Meredith. He would see her again and hold his son in his arms…

But he knew that would never happen. Odin was not about to name a successor for some time and Loki knew deep down that no matter how well he acted his part, he would never supplant Thor, no matter how arrogant Thor grew, how reckless, or how headless. Thor didn’t have to play a part, because he would always be preferred.

A year passed. And then another. Still the ring’s color held strong.

Meredith was alive and well.

Sometimes he wondered if he might not risk just one more trip to Midgard. Surely he had acted his part well enough that Heimdall was no longer watching.

But Asgardian memories were long lived. And what if he was still being watched? What it he risked it all now and he was caught. All the work he had done to regain his father’s favor would have been for nothing. If Peter ever needed him, he would not be able to be there for him. Worse yet, what if they found out about Peter and took him from Meredith? That would surely kill her if her illness did not.

No. Going back would be selfish. He couldn’t do that to her, no matter how much he yearned to.

Another year, and still the ring glowed bright red, strong and clear.

It was his favorite moment of every day, to lie in bed and hold it. To know Meredith’s heart still beat. He could almost feel her love, binding him to her across space, stars, and darkness.

A full five years passed. Loki continued to act his part, but he had almost reached the conclusion that it would not be necessary. Meredith was healthy and strong. The ring proved that. Peter would not need him. He would have his mother. And he was the far better for it.

He had been sent with Thor and Thor’s friends to handle an incident in one of the Nine Realms.  It had been an intense few days and for once Thor’s propensity for a fight had paid off. There had been some battles and hard ones and Thor had led his friends well.

So close to the others, Loki had not had an opportunity to look at his ring while away. But coming home, he made excuses to slip off to sleep early, skipping much of the welcoming feast. He locked his chamber door and threw himself down onto the bed, exhausted and very to drift off.

More out of habit than anything else, he pulled the chain off from around his neck and held the ring in his hand…and then sat up abruptly, fear gripping his heart.

Was it just his imagination…or was it just a little duller than it had been before?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a super exciting chapter. Had to do some time passing :-)


	12. Chapter 12

Loki stared at the ring. It was such a subtle change in shade that it was hard to be sure. As he stared it he would alternate, at first certain that it was the same as it had ever been, quickly followed by a belief that it was ever so slightly duller.

He held and looked at the ring late into the night, trying to decide, trying to determine.

The next few weeks were a constant agony. Again and again he would spend his nights studying the ring, trying to tell whether there truly was a change in color or not. But as the weeks dragged on, interminable, impossible, he slowly realized that any uncertainty that remained was simply him lying to himself. The red had dimmed to a point at which he could no longer be in any doubt.

True, the ring was still a strong red, but it lacked the vibrancy that it once had. Meredith was growing weaker. Ever so slightly but most assuredly weaker. Ge could no longer deny it.

He wondered how long the color had been dimming before his eye had been able to tell it. Had she been fading for weeks for he knew it?

Holding the ring each night had become a comfort to him but now it became something else. To hold the ring and know that as its color faded, Meredith faded, was pure hell. There were some nights he hated the ring for it. He didn’t want to lose her. He couldn’t lose her. Yes, he might very well never lay eyes on her again but just knowing there was someone out there, someone who loved him and understood him. Someone who made him feel…better, good…light. Knowing that someone existed made a difference. And to lose her…

An urge would run through him, making him want to throw the ring away.

But then he’d remember Peter. He had to stay focused. And he would grip the ring tightly until the desire passed.

Days felt impossible. He would be in conversations and wonder at the inanities that were spoken, by himself and others. How could no one see what was going on?

Once, at a private dinner, just him, Thor, and their parents, his eyes landed on Frigga and he couldn’t stop staring. Once upon a time, when he was younger, it seemed that she could read him like a book long after he had begun to fool his father and everyone else. But now? Now, she was as blind as Thor.

As if she felt his eyes on her, Frigga had  looked up and Loki dragged his gaze away. But the evening stuck with him.

He told himself that it didn’t matter. He was playing his part well and he should be glad of that. Frigga mustn’t know. So why did it hurt?

The ring did not fade rapidly. It might have been easier if it had. Instead it was a long, slow process, day after day, week after week, month after month, a little less color, the red a little weaker.

It became a constant ache. Loki could feel the ring around his neck as he went throughout his day, weighting him down, reminding him that he was losing her. And no one knew. Every continued on their way ignoring the hole in the world that he was constantly falling through. He was in perpetual mourning and could not show it.

For the first year after it had begun to fade, there were times that he almost thought the color was growing stronger again. On a rare night he might almost feel something akin to hope. But whether it was only temporary or simply in his mind, it never lasted long. And by the second year it was clear to him that there would be no recovery. The ring was fading and fading faster now. It was a light pink, no more hint of red. Meredith was weak, very weak, and he was helpless. He could not go to her. He could not help her. He could not ease her suffering. He hoped her father had stood by her as she had said he would. But what if she had only said that to make it easier for Loki to leave her alone?

It wouldn’t be much longer.

He sat on his bed one night, holding the ring, and thought long and hard about his next steps. He did not wish Peter to have to wait long for him. When the time came to act, he wanted to be ready.

Peter. How old would he be now? Eight?

How would he feel about being ripped away from his home, his friends, his planet. What would he know about Loki? What would Meredith have told him? What if he hated Loki? What if Loki couldn’t be a father? Not a good one anyway.

There were so many questions and so many doubts to eat away at him.

But he could not fail Meredith. He would be the best father he could be to Peter, and hope that would be enough.

He glanced down at the ring. The pink was so wink now. Did she have days left? Weeks? No. He didn’t think weeks.

Shoving aside the pain this thought brought, he focused on the plans that must be made.

He had to fetch Peter and then they would have to leave the Nine Realms. And he would have to act swiftly once he had him. After all, he could not be certain, even now, that he had fully earned back the trust that had been lost by his trips to Midgard.

And what planet to leave the Nine Realms from? The most obvious choice was Alfheim for it had the strongest ties to other galaxies and the most travel to and from outside the Nine Realms.

He frowned. Odin had recently tasked Thor, Sif, the Warriors, and himself with a mission to Alfheim which might prove fortunate. It would be so easy to arrange travel there, but much harder to reach Midgard. The secret pathways between worlds were not always straight and easy. It would take too long. His absence would be noticed before he had returned with Peter and people would start looking.

Of course he could arrange travel and fetch Peter after he had returned to Asgard. But even then he wasn’t sure how much time he would have before Heimdall would start looking for him. And, as he looked down at the ring he knew in his bones that Meredith would be gone soon. He didn’t want to keep Peter waiting.

He tapped his foot, thoughtfully.

Alfheim did get visitors from worlds outside of the Nine Realms. Visitors with good, fast ships. What if he hired one of them to fetch Peter for him? For their stay on Alfheim was like to be several weeks and he did not doubt that the ring would be fully gold again before they returned to Asgard. Then he could arrange travel out of the Nine Realms, and as soon as he had Peter he could leave. They would be gone before anyone realized it. There would be no risk of being caught before they had escaped. By the time Thor and his friends realized he was gone, had returned to Asgard, and Heimdall began the search for him, it would be too late. He and Peter would be long gone from the Nine Realms…and be free.

An image swam before his eyes, intoxicating him. Free of Asgard. Free of Thor. Free of shadows and darkness. Gloriously free to be Loki again. Did he even remember what meant? It didn’t matter. Peter would remind him.

The feeling of intoxication was quickly replaced by the sickening thought of what this freedom cost. Meredith’s life for one thing. And Peter…taken from the only home he knew, and given a poor substitute for his mother. But it was what Meredith had wanted. It was what Loki had promised he would do. And part of him yearned for it. His son. He would have his son again. And the other part? It hated himself for wanting Peter when it meant Meredith’s death.

He couldn’t sort it out and he was intensely tired. So instead he placed the ring back on the chain, put it around his neck, and lay down in bed. Sleep wouldn’t come, there were too many thoughts battling for attention, but at least he knew what he had to do.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the movie is still new, a tiny spoiler warning for some slight references to a small plot point or two from Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

Loki did not much care for Alfheim. It was dirty and noisy and busy. But he was relieved when they finally arrived. The ring still shone faintly but he had been worried during the past few days that it would fade completely before he could set his plans in place. Of course Peter could wait. But he didn't want him to have to. Surely Meredith would have told Peter that his father would come for him? And he didn't want Peter to wonder if he'd forgotten.

Thor, he, Sif, and the Warriors Three made themselves known at to the local authorities. This was a strictly diplomatic mission. Loki recognized the reasoning behind Odin sending them on it. Thor had proven himself a valuable warrior, but Odin now wished to give him other tasks that might befall a King. Loki brushed this consideration aside. It did not matter. It had been a long time since the throne of Asgard had mattered.

The first evening was a tedious banquet that Loki enduring, eager to accomplish the only mission that was important to him now. But he played along. He smiled, and he chatted, and pretended to be at ease. The next morning began with meetings, followed by lunch with Thor and the others. But at long last, in the afternoon, he was able to break away on his own and go out into the city.

It was a tricky task before him. He had to ask careful questions, know where to look, what areas of the city to haunt, what type of people to speak with. It was long, grueling, and exhausting. He did not find what he was looking for that day, but he had a name and a lead, and the next night, after telling the others he was heading to bed, he slipped away and found himself in a tavern, tucked away in an ugly part of town, sitting across from a red-skinned man, dressed in studded leather.

The man gave him a toothy grin. "The name's Jath. You got a job, I get it down. My crew is the best."

Loki nodded. "I was informed that you're willing to take on jobs that, shall we say, are best kept quiet."

The man's grin grew even wider. "You know what I am? I'm a Ravager. Don't know if that means much in this backwater part of the universe, but let me tell you something: where I come from that has meaning. We've got guts. We ain't afraid of no lawmen, see?"

"I see," said Loki. "Well my job is not likely to pit you against any 'lawmen'. But for reasons of my own I do prefer to keep it private. You understand?"

Jath nodded. "Whatever you need. As long as the price is right."

"I can assure the price will be more than right. Do you know the planet of Midgard?"

The man frowned. "Can't rightly say that I do."

"It is near here, part of the Nine Realms. A blue and green planet-"

"Oh Terra! Why didn't you say so?"

Loki shoved down any annoyance. "Yes, Terra as I suppose you people call it. The job is simple. When I send you word, you will go to Mi-Terra. And you will retrieve someone there and bring him to me."

"Sounds simple enough. Who's the target?"

It was on Loki's lips to snap that Peter was not a 'target' but he shoved it down. Semantics weren't important right now. "A boy. He'll be about eight. By the name of Peter Quill. I hardly think he'll pose any difficulty for you and your crew but I don't want him harmed."

Jah's grin had dropped instantly and was no replaced by a scowl. "No."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm a Ravager, see? And we got a code."

"I'm afraid you've lost me."

"We don't deal in kids! I don't know what kind of sick game you're after-"

"You don't understand-"

"No mister, you don't understand. Ain't doing it, no how. I've got standards. We don't do kids. Period."

"I mean the boy no harm."

"I don't care if you want to throw a party for him. Find someone else."

"Perhaps this will change your mind." Loki pulled out a bag of money and shoved it across the table.

Jah picked it up, opened it, and looked in. Loki could see the conflict in his eyes and waited. At last Jah shut the bag and said reluctantly, as if he weren't too played with himself for admitting it, "For this, I'll tell you who will."

* * *

 

Loki knocked on the inn room door. There was a gruff shout and a minute later the door was opened violently. He was met by a bearded blue man, with what appeared to be a red crystal of some kind embedded along the top of his head.

"What do you want?" asked the man gruffly.

"Are you Yondu?'

"Who's asking?"

"I have business to discuss with you."

Yondu stepped aside and let him in. "What kind of business?"

"Business that I'm prepared to pay handsomely for."

Yondu grinned. "Well I like the sound of that."

Loki pulled a stack of money from his pocket and set it down on a side table. "That's only the first half of the payment. I will pay you the second half once the job is completed. And, as I'll require and your crew to wait in Alfheim until I send word, I will pay you an additional sum for each day you wait."

Yondu walked over to the money and counted it. He then let out a chuckle. "One thing I've learned: always be suspicious of a deal that's too good to be true. And this sure sounds like one of those. What is this 'job' that you're willing to pay so much for?"

"I want you to fly to Terra, pick up my son, and bring him to me."

"How old?" demanded Yondu, any sign of humor instantly gone.

"Eight."

There was a long beat. Yondu glowered at him. "And you're paying a crew like mine to do it, because?"

"I have my reasons."

Yondu glanced down at the money. It was a lot. It was tempting. Was it really worse then-, no. He wasn't going to do this again. There were enough kids he tried not to think about, tried to tell himself were all right, without adding another to the list.

He shook his head. "You've got the wrong crew." He shoved the money back towards the stranger.

Loki smiled. "Because you're a Ravager? And Ravagers have a code don't they? You don't deal in children."

Yondu felt uneasy. There was something silky and dangerous in the man's tone. "That's right."

"Only," said Loki, " _you_ do. How many children have you taken and sold?"

Yondu let out a sound close to a growl. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh I think you do."

"It wasn't like that," said Yondu, trying a different tact.

"I don't care how it was. I admit I don't know much about the Ravagers. But normally when a group of people have a code, there's someone around to enforce it. What would happen if word of what you've been doing got out? Your crew and ship are Ravagers aren't they? Would you lose _them_? Now I'm being more than fair. I'm willing to pay, and pay generously. And all you have to do, is agree to one little job. A job that will no one hurt. You have my word."

Yondu suddenly let out a low, harsh whistle. An arrow, which had hung from his waist, shot forward, and was at Loki's throat in a heartbeat. "Or I just kill you know," said Yondu with a grin. "Ain't no code against that."

Loki started slightly as the arrow moved towards him but now he held himself very still. He could feel the point, ever so slightly pushing against his skin. "As I said, I don't know much about Ravagers. So you have to wonder how I've learned what I have, don't you? Someone's been talking. Someone I gave a great deal of money to in order to get your name. Someone who _will_ report you if I don't leave here alive. And he probably knows a lot better than I do who to do his talking to."

Yondu blinked. Another Ravager? There had been another ship docked near the planet. He lips itched. He wanted to kill this man but the consequences of doing so loomed large. What was one more child?

It seemed Loki guessed his thoughts for he smiled and took a step back, away from the arrow.

"Bring me my son, your secret is safe, and you will be well paid. Don't, and you lose everything. I think it's a remarkably simple choice. So simply, it doesn't seem like a choice at all. Your conscience can live with that."

Yondu's fist clinched but he forced himself to keep control. "When _exactly_ do you want the boy?"

"I'll send you word." And with that Loki exited. As the door shut behind him Yondu gave vent and sent the arrow deep into the wood of the door. Outside, Loki heard the thud but kept walking. He'd found his man. He might not like the idea of Peter with a group like that, but it wouldn't be for long. A few hours at most. And then they would be together.

He just had to keep focused on the plan and he could get through these next couple of days. He had too.

He didn't notice that he was being followed.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, minor spoiler warning for slight reference to things from Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

It was impulse really. Yondu stalked over to pull his arrow from the door and then, before he'd even realized what he was doing, he'd opened the door and stormed out. By the time he made it to the street, his would-be employer was already halfway down the block. Keeping a safe distance, Yondu followed.

He wanted to know who this man was. If he was going to hand a kid over to him, he wanted to know what would become of that kid.

If this had happened a few months from now, maybe even a few weeks, he knew he'd probably take the money, grin, and go grab that Terran kid without another thought. But something was nagging at him no matter how many times he told it to shut up.

It had only been a few days since he'd delivered that little Xandar girl, with her pink skin and blonde curls. What did her father want with so many children? Why did Yondu never see them again? He went back often enough to deliver more.

No. He wasn't going to think about it. He did his job and he and the crew got paid well. No questions. You did what you were paid for. It wasn't his fault what happened afterwards. Besides, if he didn't do the job, someone else would. So why shouldn't he and his boys be the ones to earn the money?

Still. He didn't like someone trying to pull his strings. He was going to find out more about this stranger.

He was surprised when the man led him straight to the Governor's Estates. Yondu watched from a distance as the man entered by a backway and what he saw didn't make him feel any better. He knew enough to know when someone was trying not to be seen and that man was most certainly doing that

Why would someone, staying at the Estates, need to sneak out to hire smugglers to steal his own son?

Yondu glowered. He didn't like it. He didn't like being threatened. And he certainly didn't want to take this job.

* * *

 

Yondu set Kraglin to watch the house, and he himself started asking around. It wasn't long before he got a name to put to the man.

Loki Odinson, the younger prince of Asgard.

As far as Yondu was concerned that just raised more questions. Why would a prince hire the Ravagers for something like this? It just didn't add up. There was a piece he was missing to this puzzle.

Once he learned that Loki hadn't come to Alfheim alone, he told Kraglin to stop watching Loki and gave him another task. Which was why, late one evening, a messenger came running round to the inn to summon Yondu to a tavern near the Estates.

He met Kraglin at the bar, ordered drinks and then surveyed the room. Subtly, Kraglin nodded over to a table off to the side where two men, one blonde and one dark haired, were sitting. Yondu grinned.

For the next hour, he waited. It was best to give the two men a chance to enjoy their ales; it would loosen their tongues and make them more likely to trust a stranger. It wasn't until the blonde man came up to order more drinks that Yondu made his move.

"That's a mighty fine blade you have there. Could cut someone real good. Don't suppose it's for sale? I'm always looking for interesting weaponry."

The man grinned at him. "This blade has seen me through too many a fight to be for sale. But you have a fine eye."

Yondu grinned. The ego on this man should make this easier than he'd thought.

Five minutes later, Fandral, as the man had introduced himself, was ushering Yondu and Kraglin over to his table and had given the name of the other man as Hogun.

There was general chatter for the next half hour, Yondu encouraging the two men to talk about themselves and their various battles. He at least gave Hogun credit for not being quite as verbose as Fandral, but he itched to send his arrow through both of their skulls. It was dull work and Yondu hadn't become a Ravager because he had oceans of patience. Even a puddle was a stretch.

At last however, he saw the opening he was looking for.

"You fight with princes, huh? That must be a pain and a half."

"They're our friends," said Hogun, a little icily.

"Tell me, I've heard a bit about this Thor fellow since coming to Alfheim. Is it all true?"

"All and more!" said Fandral eagerly. "Any warrior would be proud to fight alongside him. He is brave and strong."

"Indeed," agreed Hogun. "Thor is also intensely loyal."

"And the other prince?' asked Kraglin, taking a slug from his ale.

"Loki?" Fandral snorted. "If he wasn't Thor's brother I wouldn't trust him farther than I can throw him."

"Is that so?" asked Yondu.

"You know what they call him on Nidavellir don't you?"

"Fandral…" said Hogun. He was slightly more sober than his friend and appeared uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken. But Fandral ignored him.

"God of Lies. He's got a slippery tongue that one and you never know what's going on in his head."

"He's a good fighter," pointed out Hogun fairly.

"Oh certainly. Though not an honest one."

At this Hogun smiled. "You only say that because he beat you last time."

"He cheated."

"He used the tools at his disposal and won."

Fandral rolled his eyes. "You know as well as I do that Loki can't be trusted. For all he pretends to care for the Thor, he'd do anything to get the throne from him."

"You're drunk Fandral."

Yondu leaned in closer. "From the sounds of it, this Thor is better suited for the Throne. Good thing he popped out first eh?"

"Well, technically speaking," said Hogun, "It falls on the Allfather to choose which son will be his successor."

Fandral snorted. "Jotunheim would have to melt before Odin chose Loki. Thor is a leader! It's in his blood! You just have to look at him to know it. And I for one will be proud to one day call him my king."

Hogun looked decidedly uncomfortable. In fact he looked how Yondu felt.

Among the questions he'd been asking, Terra was the subject of a few of them. It seemed not many people knew much about it for the simple reason that it was off limits to the other planets in the Nine Realms.

The puzzle was starting to make sense and he didn't like the picture it made.

There was a younger prince unlikely to be chosen as his father's heir, but eager and ambitious for the honor. An older brother far better suited for the job. And the younger prince had a son on a planet that by all accounts he never should have stepped foot on. Whatever Loki was planning for or hoping in regards to his brother, one thing seemed clear: this son of his could only harm his bid for the throne.

It made sense now why Loki had to get his boy through suspect means. And if he got his hands on him, what then? He certainly wasn't going to leave the boy around for his father to find out about.

Well Yondu had wanted to know what Loki meant to do with his son. And the apparent answer made him sick. Would Loki offer him a bonus for doing the final piece of dirty work for him?

He allowed Hogun to steer the conversation into safer waters, spent another ten minutes or so talking, and then he and Kraglin excused themselves.

When he returned to his room at the inn he found a note from Loki. It read simply: _It's time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the chapter I've struggled the most with so far, so it may not be quite up to snuff. I also have discovered that I find Yondu hard to write :-D


	15. Chapter 15

Captain was mad. The crew weren’t sure why but they sure knew to stay out of his way. He was sitting at one end of the hold while the Terran boy they’d picked up sat at the other. The kid was unusually quiet. Sure, there’d been a bit of yelling when they’d first got him on board, and some crying, but mostly he’d just sat in that corner, that funny device round his ears, his arms latched tightly around his knees and his eyes shut closed as if he just wanted to disappear.

Yondu sat in a chair, his arms crossed, and glowered at everyone who came near him.

Kraglin sidled up to him and coughed. “Umm Captain?”

“What?” Yondu snapped.

“We’ve arrived at Alfheim?” Yondu glared at him for a moment. “Just thought you’d like to know.”

Kraglin started to take a step backwards, when Yondu suddenly surged to his feet. “Right.” He looked back at the boy, his eyes narrowed and he nodded. “Right. Get the transport ready. You and I are going down to the surface.”

“And the boy, right?”

“Did I say anything about the boy?” asked Yondu, a dangerous note in his voice.

“Uh, no Captain you didn’t.”

“That’s right. So get the transport ready and you and I are going to be on it. Tell the rest of the crew to prepare the ship. Once we come back, we’re getting out of this backwater.”

* * *

 

Loki had made an excuse to miss the farewell banquet. He wasn’t sure Thor and the others believed it but if they didn’t they simply thought he couldn’t be bothered to attend.

He packed a bag. For a second as he was doing so he held the ring in his hand. It was once more completely gold. There was pain so deep and so sharp that for a moment he thought he couldn’t bear it. But he forced it aside. There would be time later to grieve and say goodbye. Once he and Peter were together and out of the Nine Realms.

Placing the ring around his neck once more, he placed the last of the belongings he would need, along with the money he had brought, and the made a stealthy exit through the back door of the estate.

He had set a meeting place with Yondu near the edge of town, close to the docking bay. Transport off world had been arranged, and in less than two hours he and Peter should be well on their way.

There had been some thought given to whether or not to leave a message. It wasn’t Odin or Thor he wished to say goodbye to, but he did feel a pang at leaving Frigga without a word. But it was too dangerous. What if by chance Thor or one of the others came back from the banquet early? It was unlikely but even the slimmest possibility was too dangerous to risk. He would send a note later, once he and Peter were safe, to say goodbye, perhaps to explain. His mother deserved that at least.

As he walked to the rendezvous point he realized he was nervous. What Peter would say? What would he think of him? Would he hate him? Would he despise him? Would Peter look on him with Asgardian eyes? Or with Meredith’s?

_Meredith…_

No. He couldn’t think about her now.

He might have thought that losing her slowly, bit by bit, would make the final blow easier. But it hadn’t. The wound was large and gaping. But for now he had to push through it, as he had pushed through wounds in the heat of battle and tended to them later.

Loki reached the meeting point and waited. It didn’t take long. Yondu was punctual. As he walked down the alley, Loki felt a strange elation of emotion combined with sheer terror. He was going to see his son. He was going to see Peter after all these years-…

Where was Peter?

There was another man with Yondu but no sign of a child.

“Where’s Peter?” he demanded once Yondu had reached him.

“Now, no need to get excited,” said Yondu, coolly. “We did what you asked. We went to Terra to find your boy. Now I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been to Terra…” He watched Loki’s face closely. If Loki had been recently and often to see his son, he might just be wrong about the man. “But I’m guessing it’s been a few years.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” snapped Loki.

Yondu snorted. “Cause that’s how long it’s been that your boy’s been dead.”

There was a long stunned silence. It hit Loki like a physical blow and he took a step back, mentally reeling.

“You’re lying,” he said softly.

But Yondu could tell that Loki hadn’t the faintest clue. He hadn’t been to Terra. He didn’t know nothing about his son. Did he want to kill the boy or just put him someplace no one would find him? It didn’t matter. Yondu wouldn’t trust him with the boy no matter how good the pay was.

“Nah. Look me and my crew we do our jobs well. On Terra they’re all about burying their dead. Got whole graveyards full of them. We found the grave, we checked it out. Because we’re thorough like that. The boy has been dead, and for a while.”

“How?” asked Loki. “How did he die?”

Yondu shrugged. “Who knows? A backwards planet like Terra could have been any little disease.”

Loki stared at Yondu for a minute and then said softly: “Leave.”

Yondu snorted. “Gladly. First there’s a little matter of payment?”

An intensely dangerous gleam came into Loki’s eyes. “I hired you for a job. Bring my son to me. You failed. You don’t get paid.”

“It was a little hard to _bring_ him to you, when he ain’t no more. Didn’t think you’d want his body-”

Loki’s hands moved quickly and suddenly there was a blade in each. “Leave. _Now_.”

Yondu hesitated. Ordinarily he’d kill anyone who even thought about stiffing him and he was itching to whistle for the arrow. But between Loki threatening to report him and the fact that the boy was alive and well up on the ship, he thought that just this once, it might be best to walk away. He did, after all, have the amount that Loki had paid up front.

Nodding at Kraglin, he turned and walked away.

Kraglin waited until they were out of earshot before speaking. “Captain? What are we going to do about the boy? Take him back to Terra?”

“So that man can find him?”

Kraglin thought about it a minute. “Yeah, that guy is a jackass.”

Yondu nodded. “The kid’s coming with us.”

And the two men walked back to the ship.

* * *

 

Nothing. That’s what he felt…nothing.

Loki stared at the alley wall.

Why couldn’t he feel anything? He pulled the ring from his neck and stared at it. But all the pain and hurt that he’d been pushing back, that he had told himself he would time to deal with later, it was all just…gone. He’d run out of time.

He tried, he fought to feel something. But nothing came.

 _My son is dead_ , he thought. Nothing. _My wife is dead._ Nothing. _I am alone_. Nothing.

Peter had been dead for years. Meredith had been alone for so long. Was that when she started fade? When she lost her son?

He searched inside himself, seeking any emotion. Anger. Hurt. Rage. All gone. He didn’t even feel like himself anymore. Perhaps he’d worn a mask so long, pushed the real Loki aside one too many times…that the real Loki was gone and in its place there was emptiness. Hollow rooms, and vast, void spaces.

Without thinking about it, he slipped the ring back around his neck.

There had to be something. There had to be.

But there wasn’t. Not even the whisper of an echo.

He started walking. Where was he going? There was the transport waiting for him and Peter. He thought about this for a moment, wondering if that would elicit some feeling but it didn’t, so he continued on. But why bother with the transport? If nothing was all that was left, did it matter if it was here or somewhere else in the universe?

Without even making a decision really, he found himself back at the Governor’s Estates. He returned to his room, dropped his bag, lay on the bed, and stared up at the ceiling.

Was this what it felt like to be dead? This empty, hollow nothing? Being a husk of a man for the rest of his existence?

How could he not feel anything? Why could he not cry? Why could he not scream?

He had loved Meredith. He had loved Peter. What kind of monster was he that he could not mourn them?

But it didn’t matter what kind of monster he was. For he couldn’t even hate himself.

Maybe he hadn’t loved. Maybe he was incapable of love.

The moon slowly sunk on the horizon but he didn’t sleep. He heard the sounds of Thor and the others returning at some point as dawn creeped in through the window, and still he did not sleep.

Around ten o’clock ad servant knocked on his door to inform him that the rest of his party was preparing to depart.

He went and met them in the hall. The others looked sleepy from a night of drinking and celebrations, but were talking happily, reliving the night’s banquet.

Should he feel isolated? Hurt? Happy to see friends? He didn’t know and all he felt was nothing.

Something must have shown on his face because for perhaps the first time ever, Thor stopped his conversation and looked at Loki closely: “Brother, are you well?”

Loki hesitated. Was nothing well? He wasn’t sure. But he was not going to share that nothingness with anyone else. It was too personal and ran too deep. He smiled. “I am well brother, I am well."


	16. Chapter 16

It felt like a dream in which nothing was real. He had hoped that returning to Asgard might stop the nothingness, but as he crossed the Bifrost bridge into the city and towards the palace, still Loki felt nothing.

They were greeted in the throne room by the Allfather and Allmother, but as Thor gave a report of their time on Alfheim and received Odin’s praise, there was not flicker of jealousy or resentment in Loki. How was it possible? _What was wrong with him?_

He felt Frigga’s gaze and he forced himself to smile back at her.

This he could do. This he knew.

He could play the part. He’d been doing it long enough hadn’t he? Only he realized that it was now easier. Before he had had to hide pieces of himself but now there was nothing to hide for now there was only nothingness. Loki had slipped away, and the mask remained.

It was a curious sensation, this feeling of detachment. He tested it, pushed at it, tried to see how far it would go.

Once away from others, he thought of Meredith. In his mind’s eye he relived meeting her, the day he told her the truth about himself, the time she said their son would be Star-Lord, and finally the thought of something he had never allowed himself to remember: the day they said goodbye.

It didn’t work. The detachment remained.

He thought of Peter next. Meeting Peter for the first time, his promise to Peter, his leaving Peter. Still there was nothing.

Was this shock? Was he broken inside? Was he dead with his family?

He attended the banquet hosted that night in honor of the mission to Alfheim. He made no attempt to leave early, he even steered the conversation when he could towards Thor and his exploits, trying to force himself to feel some old twinge of anger. And yet he continued to feel empty inside.

Perhaps this would fade.

It did not. Day into week. Week into month. Month into year. He went through time as if he were not a part of it. Distant, detached, unfeeling. There was no grief, no anger, no pain.

Whatever connection he had once had to Frigga or any of his family, faded into nothingness. He played his part, recited his lines, and took his cues, but it was all on the surface. He knew his role and could act his way through it and fool them all. But it was still all a performance.

He viewed events so…detachedly. He was there, but he didn’t feel there. He was an outsider to every scene. He should care but he did not.

Was this the rest of his life? Was this what he was condemned to? Was this his punishment for failing Meredith? For failing Peter? For Peter had been half Asgardian had he not? Asgardian medicine might have cured what killed him had Loki just been there to save him.

Before, he would not have thought it possible to grow even farther from Thor and Odin, but it seemed he would have been wrong. The distance kept growing until they were worse than strangers. And still Loki could force out no emotion as he contemplated it.

Where would he and Peter be by now if his son had lived? How far would they have traveled? How many beings would they have met and how many worlds would they have seen? Mentally he would mark what Peter’s age would have been as the years slipped by, but it felt as though it were another being doing so.

Nothing made sense now and nothing mattered. But until death officially claimed him he had to keep carrying on this lie that that he still lived.

And all around him Asgard continued. Odin was growing tired, rumors swirled that soon he would choose a regent to reign during the time he spent in Odinsleep. Many talked about it in whispers. Loki heard those whispers and didn’t much care.  It would be Thor of course. But he had long since given up expecting to feel much about it.

Thor certainly wasn’t ready but surely his brother could manage a few weeks until Odin woke again, and safety checks would be put in place to ensure he did not do anything too foolish or reckless. No doubt this was all just laying the ground work for when Thor would finally, and permanently, ascend to the throne. But hopefully by then he would have grown steadier, more prepared.

Only when at last Odin made the proclamation, Loki felt the first thing similar to emotion that he had felt for some time: worry. Odin wished to step down permanently and once and for all hand over the throne and crown to Thor.

Loki was shocked. How could Odin be so blind to Thor’s faults? He was arrogant. He was impulsive. He hit first and resorted to diplomacy later. If he had control of Asgard permanently, the country would soon find itself plunged into war. How could Odin not see any of this? Odin who once told them that a wise king never sought out war? How could he view Thor as a fit King in his present state?

But he could not raise these points with Odin. His father would never listen to him. He would be accused of jealousy. Loki knew what people thought. He knew what was said about him behind his back. He wouldn’t be able to explain to Odin that he had not been jealous of Thor for many a year. He couldn’t explain that there was nothing left inside him that felt much of anything anymore.

He wondered if perhaps Frigga would warn Odin and he watched her closely. She was kind to Loki, as if expecting this to be a difficult time, but she did not appear to have any other concerns.

He wished that for once people would see things the way he saw them.

It was that thought that started it. He didn’t come to the decision right away. It wormed its way into his head bit by bit. He wanted to show Odin. He wanted to open the Allfather’s eyes and force him to look and see what was in front of him for the first time and not what he desired to behold.

Thor wasn’t ready. He must be made to realize that.

But how?

It wasn’t until each piece had been put together that he realized what a dangerous plan it was. And yet he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

He had nothing. Let Thor lose something for once and Asgard would be the better for it.

Loki played the part of the supportive brother, encouraging Thor, listening to his excitement and pride, pretending that it was only natural and right that Thor should ascend the throne. He played the part perfectly. Not even Frigga seemed to doubt his sincerity. She smiled at him and once, when alone together, told him how proud she was of him. He smiled and took her hand and pretended.

The coronation day came and he opened the secret pathways.

He was the only one not surprised by Thor’s behavior as his day was ruined. He saw that it had certainly concerned Odin to see how hot-tempered Thor could be. Perhaps it had been enough to make Odin think and pause…

But he hadn’t counted on Thor’s yet more reckless decision to invade Jotunheim. Even he who seemed to know Thor better than anyone was shocked by such a reckless choice. Feeling some responsibility, he went with Thor and the others and tried to prevent the bloodshed which followed but of course Thor never had been one for diplomacy, and the fight had been unavoidable.

And then his hand had been grabbed. He stared at the blue which crept up his skin and wondered, as far as his detached frame of mind would allow. What did this mean? How was it possible? Confused thoughts swirled in the back of his mind, trying to work the tangled puzzle out. But there hadn’t been time to dwell on it then. The battle had been too intense.

The fighting had continued and Odin arrived, and they were pulled back by the Bifrost.

Loki had never seen Odin so angry at Thor before. He hadn’t thought it possible. Thirty or so years ago, Loki might have taken pleasure in it, but not now.

Now there was still nothing.

Until suddenly there wasn’t.

For suddenly Odin’s punishment was made clear. Thor was gone and Loki was left standing at the spot where he had stood.

Thor had been cast down to Midgard. _That was his punishment!_ His actions had shattered a centuries’ long peace and his punishment was the one thing that Loki would once have given anything for?

It was as if a dam broke. In what had once been a vacuum, rage, anger, and fury came flooding in, sweeping all before it, bursting through the channels of his mind.

He felt again. And others would be made to feel it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this week I've been able to keep to a daily schedule I shall give a heads up and say that I probably won't be updating tomorrow :-)


	17. Chapter 17

Loki tried not to lash out. The others were complaining about Thor’s punishment as if he had been cast into the darkest pit on the darkest planet. Fools! All of them! Why wouldn’t they just shut up and allow him time to think?

The anger was still surging through him, fresh and alive, latching on to anything and everything it saw. There was only one section of his mind that seemed free of it and that was the part that kept reverting back to what had occurred on Jotunheim.

He stared at his hand and flexed it. It had been such a strange feeling, cool and pleasant. But it didn’t make sense. Why hadn’t he been burnt as the others had?

 _Except it does make sense…_ a voice whispered in the back of his mind. A voice he didn’t want to listen to. _You know what you saw. You know what it means._

But that was impossible…wasn’t it?

Except that suddenly everything would make so much ugly, terrible sense if that impossible were true.

He needed to know.

Right up until he took hold of the Casket, a part of him continued to doubt. Even as he held and he saw with his own eyes, the blue skin creep up his arms and the sense of pleasant coldness washing over him, he still held onto the doubt. He heard Odin’s voice and he turned.

And for one, brief moment the hate and anger were both gone. He was only desperate.

“Am I cursed?” he asked. Hoping rather than believing.

“No.”

No.

He was a monster.

And it was absurd but he kept thinking over, and over again, _she was wrong, she was wrong_. Meredith had seen good in him, lightness. But there wasn’t any. He was a monster and the hate swirling inside him now just proved it further.

He felt disgusted suddenly. He had kissed Meredith. He had loved her. He had held Peter. And all that time, he had been a Jotun, a frost giant, something evil, and dark, and immoral. A creature nor worthy of either of them. She wouldn’t have loved him had she known. She couldn’t have. Odin didn’t.

Shock was pushed aside by another wave of rage.

It was Odin’s fault. Odin should have told him from the start. Odin should have made it clear what he was, what he could never be.

“You know, it all makes sense now,” he said, the fury so overpowering he wanted to lash out, “why you favored Thor all these years, because no matter how much you claim to love me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard! “

And Odin collapsed. Loki couldn’t stop himself from almost being glad of it.

Good. Good! Make him suffer! Make him hurt! Make _someone_ , _anyone_ feel the pain that was lashing Loki inside.

And then the next moment he was left horrified at himself. Why shouldn’t he stop the swelling anger? It was running wild through him and he couldn’t contain it. Odin lay on the steps and all he, Loki, wished was to hurt others, to punish others?

What was wrong with him?

Except he knew now, what was wrong with him. He was a monster. And he always had been.

* * *

Loki stared down at the face of his sleeping father. Only he was not his father was he? His father was Laufey…and he thought back to Jotunheim, to facing that king….that man had left him to die as a baby. Even monsters didn’t want him.

Another flash of anger. And as if his mind had only been waiting for the perfect opportunity it presented Thor to him. What was it Thor had said on Jotunheim?

_Know your place brother._

Who was Thor to tell him what his place was?

Who was Thor? Not his brother in any sense of the word.

He felt his hand curl into a fist. He was tired. He was tired of being the only one in pain. He was tired of being the only who lost everything, again and again, and again. He was tired.

Thor deserved to feel a fraction of what he himself felt.

Frigga came in and he wiped away any sign of anger on his face. Instead, he asked her something he had been wondering for some time. Why did Odin lie?

“He kept the truth from you, so that you would never feel different,” she said simply.

And he wanted to laugh. To keep him from feeling different? He had never felt anything _but_ different! He was amazed that he had ever viewed Frigga as more observant, as seeing more than any of the others. She was really just as blind wasn’t she?

* * *

 

He knew it was cruel to Thor and he delighted in it. Thor’s expression when he heard that Odin was dead: it both satisfied his rage and fueled it, demanding more.

Loki weaved a world to make Thor feel as small, as isolated, as alone, as Loki had ever felt, and then he left him there, as Thor had left him countless times.

He had been on the verge of returning to Asgard, when something had stopped him and he had gone to Mjolnir.

Meredith had told him that he was good. She had believed that. What if she had been right? He told himself he was a monster. He told himself that he could never lift it. But…what if she had been right?

Once he failed, he also told himself that it didn’t hurt. He told himself that he had known it wouldn’t work. And with that he found he did not wish to spend another moment on Midgard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a super long chapter but it was what I had time for :-)


	18. Chapter 18

Loki’s hands were shaking. Why were his hands shaking? His brain felt a confused, jumbled mess. One minute he would feel completely lost and the next there would only be rage. It was as if every single emotion he had pushed aside over the years was demanding that now it would be heard; now it would no longer be ignored.

And yet through it all he kept the mask in place around others. He turned Thor’s friends away and retained an air of cool tranquility. Even with Frigga he showed only a fraction of his distress.

But alone….alone he would break. He would claw his fingers through his hair, holding his head in a tight grasp, trying to master the thoughts, trying to master the emotions.

He knew what he was now at least. And that made sense. And yet monster though he was, he was not one of _them_. He could look at them and see them for what they were. He could look at himself and see himself for what he was. And he could be disgusted by it.

Could he blame Odin anymore for the slights for the lack of care?

Yes. No. Maybe. He wasn’t sure.

_Destroy them._

The thought leaped into his mind.

Who? There were so many people he wanted to suffer.

 _Start with the first father who abandoned me_. _Left me to die in the cold and the ice. Left me to be taken and raised by his enemy. Left me alone, unloved, and unwanted. Left me like I never would have left Peter had I been given the chance._

So he made his plans and put the pieces in motion but he did not allow himself to stop and think. Because if he stopped and thought he might not do it. He might not hurt anyone. And right now every impulse in his body yearned to lash, and claw, and break, and tear.

Face to face with Laufey again he looked in the man’s eyes for any sign that he was a being worth sparing. He looked for humanity. He looked for hope for himself. And found nothing.

He would look in those eyes again, and he would kill him where he stood. There would be no remorse. There would be no grief. There would only be rage. Rage not satiated by his attempt on Thor.

How had he come to this? Of course Thor’s little friends ran down to Midgard. It did not surprise him. Pretty speeches might have been made in the past that they were Loki’s friends as well but he had always known that their loyalties lay first and only with Thor. It was no hurt to see it confirmed.

For one brief moment, as the Destroyer stood over Thor, Loki wavered. He saw Meredith in his mind’s eye. He thought she looked sad. But he couldn’t tell, because he could not bear to face her. He might have stopped. He might have retreated. Only Thor chose that moment to speak.

“Brother, whatever I have done to wrong you, whatever I have done to lead you to do this, I am truly sorry! But these people are innocent. Taking their lives will gain you nothing. So take mine and end this.”

 _Whatever he had done wrong._ The rage flashed hot and strong once more. Thor did not know what he had done! He said what he believed Loki wished to hear and nothing more. Worse, he thought _he_ could tell Loki about the people of Midgard. Thor had spent a handful of days on the planet and he thought he could lecture Loki about the people here?

And in that instant he wanted to kill Thor. He truly did. And then that instant was over, but it was too late to take it back. And before long Thor was standing right in front of him, and he was telling Frigga. And Frigga looked at Loki and he saw in her eyes that she knew him for the monster he was.

Well he would show her. He might be a monster but he was one who would destroy all the others. He would show her that there was more to him than just the Frost Giant blood flooding through his veins. He would show Odin.

Then Thor and he were fighting above the Bifrost. And Thor still did not understand. Thor, ever egotistical, ever proud, spouting off all about how he’d changed, and that now suddenly he did not want the monsters dead. Of course he didn’t want them dead, now that Loki did. How convenient. How obvious.

And yet once again Loki wavered, a voice of reason broke out through the anger, trying desperately to make Thor understand and the words burst from him before he could stop them:

“I never wanted the throne! I only ever wanted to be your equal.”

He realized suddenly how true it was. Through the years, even before Meredith and Peter, it hadn’t ever really been about the throne had it? He had used the throne in his own mind because it was easier to pretend it was all about that and not about the rejections, the slights, the hurt. It was so much simpler to say to himself that he wished for the throne of Asgard than to say what he lacked and what he wanted was the love of his family.

The realization rocked him.  

“I will not fight you brother!” Thor cried.

It brought Loki back to his fury. Back to his hate.  “I’m not your brother! I never was!”

“Loki this is madness!”

Loki wanted to laugh. Thor, so reasonable, so diplomatic all of a sudden. Typical. The one time Loki wanted a fight and Thor decided to go with words. Well words with Loki’s stock-in-trade. He could get what he wanted with words. And so he prodded Thor. He spoke of Jane.

“Come on, what happened to you on earth that turned you so soft? Don't tell me it was that woman? Oh! It was! Well, maybe when we're finished here, I'll pay her a visit myself.”

He knew it was cruel. He wanted it to be cruel. He wanted war. He wanted blood. He just didn’t know if he wanted Thor’s or his own.

The Bifrost was almost ready. Soon Jotunheim would be destroyed. Loki couldn’t think much beyond that. Somehow if the world of his birth could be wiped out, it felt as if he could be born again, begin again, start fresh. But you couldn’t could you? He certainly could not. Perhaps the destruction of his world would in some way only mean the destruction of himself.

But whichever it was, he wanted to know. He needed to know. And Thor took that away from him as well.

As Loki watched Thor attempt to destroy the Bifrost, he could not believe his own eyes. Thor would destroy his way to Midgard? Thor who did not know the pathways between worlds? Thor who would have no other means by which to reach his Lady Jane? And Thor believed himself in love when he would sacrifice his chance to ever see her again for the sake of saving a few Jotun?

Thor knew _nothing_ of love. Loki would have destroyed worlds to be with Meredith. And Thor chose to destroy the Bifrost to stay apart from Jane.

It was that which made Loki leap forward to attack him one final time.

The explosion which subsequently rocked them was mind shattering. They were both swept up in it and for one moment Loki felt himself in freefall, and he felt light, released, he almost welcomed it…only to be caught up short.

And he looked around. Below him stretched the void. Above him he could see Thor’s face, desperate and worried. And above that…Odin.

Loki’s heart both sunk and flew. Odin had saved them. Had he meant to save them both? Would he, could he, just this once, just in this moment, do what he had never done before…would he understand?

“I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!”

He could have destroyed Jotunheim.

He could have been a better son.

He could have been a better brother.

He could have been a worthy husband.

He could have been a good father.

He could have done so many things.

“No Loki.” It was all Odin said. Even in this moment, as Loki hung on the edge of oblivion, that was all Odin had to say to his younger son.

No.

And Loki wondered if perhaps Odin had been correct all along.

Perhaps he never could have destroyed Jotunheim.

Perhaps he never could have been a better son.

Perhaps he never could have been a better brother.

Perhaps he never could have been a worthy husband.

Perhaps he never could have been a good father.

Perhaps he never could have done anything.

And finally, after all these years, he felt the grief that had eluded him when he learned of Peter’s death. He felt the grief that he had forbidden himself as Meredith slipped away, day by day. He felt the grief for the family he had lost, and the family he never had. And in that moment the confusion stopped. It was as if his thoughts and mind could finally be at rest. It was so very peaceful.

He thought of Meredith. He thought of Peter. And he let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally where the story was going to end. But I've got lovely comments asking for more, and also Guardians of the Galaxy 2 has actually given me an idea of how to bring about the reunion, which was what I was stumped on when I originally decided to end things here. So I will continue. Though I *do* think this is a pretty thematically nice ending to the story, particularly since you know Loki *isn't* dead so it's not quite the downer of the ending it would be if you thought he was, so I just had to acknowledge this as the original ending :-D


	19. Chapter 19

Oblivion. Sweet, peaceful oblivion. He was falling towards it. It would soon all be over. And he wondered if he would meet Meredith and Peter soon in whatever lay beyond death. He doubted he would stay with her. She was good and he…, well. But perhaps he might see her, even if only for a moment.

It was cold out here in the void. An Asgardian would have frozen long ago. Darkness was crowding into his vision and he embraced it.

Not much longer now. Not much time left. He smiled. It had been so easy to let go. It was so easy now. Oblivion was so easy.

The darkness crawled into the last spaces of his vision. There was no pain, either in body or mind, and he let go once more, this time of consciousness.

* * *

 

There was music playing. He opened his eyes. And there she was. Meredith. Just like he remembered her, with her lovely blonde hair falling down her back and her smile both wistful and lovely as she walked towards him.

He was standing, he wasn't sure where. There was water all around, and planets, and golden lights and fiery flashes. It should have been terrifying. But it was only peaceful.

She reached him and wrapped one hand around his neck and the other around his waist, and kissed him before starting sway to the music with him. He felt stunned, but it didn't matter. This was bliss. He breathed in the scent of her. He was home. Wherever this place was, whatever it was, hallucination or heaven, she was here and it was home. He twirled her and she laughed, coming back to him and leaning her head on his shoulder.

_If you should ever leave me_

_Though life would still go on, believe me_

_The world could show nothing to me_

_So what good would living do me_

_God only knows what I'd be without you_

"Do I know this song?" he asked. What a thing to ask at a time like this? And yet somehow it was important that he have the answer.

She sighed, contended. "No. I never played it for you. But it always made me think of you."

"Then this isn't a hallucination."

"No." She laughed, and looked up at him. "It is not."

"And I am dead."

"No. You're not dead."

He frowned. "I don't understand. How am I here, with you, or you here with me. I _must_ be dead."

"You're dying. But you are not dead yet." She tucked a stand of his hair back behind his ear as had been her habit once upon a time.

"Oh." He had hoped for one wild moment that this was their afterlife and that they would be together now at last. But if he were only dying, who knew yet where he would go?

As if reading his thoughts she sighed sadly. "Oh darling, I'm so sorry. You are dying…but you're not going to die. Even now someone's found you. You will leave this place, and you won't remember this."

"No." His grip on her arm tightened. "No. I don't want to go back! I can't go back. Please! Don't make." He realized that he was near tears.

"Shh, I can't control it darling. I can neither keep you here or force you to go."

He leaned his forehead wearily against hers. "I want to stay."

"I know you do."

There was a long silence.

_If you should ever leave me_

_Though life would still go on, believe me_

_The world could show nothing to me_

_So what good would living do me_

_God only knows what I'd be without you_

"Where's Peter?"

She smiled. "He's not dead Loki. He's alive and well and out there in the universe. He's our Star-Lord."

He jerked. "What? But-"

"I know. It wasn't your fault."

"Where is he? Is he all right?"

"He's your son. Of course he's all right."

Loki laughed bitterly but pressed insistently on the more important point: "But I need to find him! I promised him! Meredith, you must tell me where he is!"

"It wouldn't matter. I've already told you. You won't remember any of this."

He groaned. "There must be some way."

"There isn't. I'm sorry darling. But I think you'll find him one day. I really do believe you will."

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I've let you down haven't I? I promised. I promised him. But I let you down in more ways didn't I? I'm not the man you thought I was?"

She kissed him. "You are the man I fell in love with. The man I have and do love. And the man I will love. I died and I still love you. Nothing will change that. I told you once that our love stretched across the galaxy, but I was wrong. It stretches so much farther than that."

How was it that everything sounded so much simpler when she was there? How was it she could make him feel worthy again? But there was so much she wasn't aware of.

"You don't know what I've done since I've lost you both," he said, forcing the words out, not allowing himself to hide his failures from her. "You don't know what I am."

"I have always known what you are. Better than you do. Why can't you trust me just a little?"

"I do trust you."

"Then _believe_ me. You are not a monster."

How did she know his thoughts?

She kissed him again. "Goodbye Loki."

"No! Don't! Please. I can't lose you again."

"You won't remember this."

"I can't go back! I can't go back to life!"

"You can. For Peter. Even if you won't know it when you wake. Peter is out there. And you'll find him. And tell him how much we both love him."

She was fading.

"How do I even know if this is real?"

"Believe."

The multicolored world was fading. The music was fading.

_God only knows what I'd be without you…_

And then there was only silence.


	20. Chapter 20

The first time he came back to consciousness, he felt mostly numb. He couldn’t force his eyes open and could only hear hazily and in the distance, the sound of people talking.

“ _Units…payment…Thanos…”_

He couldn’t make sense of any of it but suddenly he felt hands on him, picking him up, and then dropping him somewhere which seemed to remind his body that it was in pain. There was such a wave of it in fact that he promptly lost consciousness again.

When he awoke a second time, his body was well and truly aching from its time spent in the void. He assessed the situation as best he could. He appeared to be sitting in a chair and judging from the feeling of metal on his wrists, he was bound to it. Cautiously, he opened his eyes. He winced and wished he hadn’t as an intense headache protested loudly to the sight of light and he let out an involuntary groan.

Someone in a seat beside him turned at the sound.

It was a woman. She was mostly blue with a purple streak down the middle of her face, and metal glinted off various parts of her body.

“You’re awake.” There was no smile on her face, nothing friendly in the tone of her voice. It was flat and hard.

And that’s when it really hit him. He was alive. He had let go and fallen and had been so sure that it would be the end. He had hoped it would be. He had hoped to see Meredith and Peter again. But no, he’d survived. It wasn’t fair. Like every other bloody thing in his life, he couldn’t even die when he wanted to.

“Why am I still alive?” he demanded. The anger was very evident in his voice and she blinked at it.

“You were found by some scavengers, and they brought you on board their ship. Another minute out there and you would be dead.”

“I wish I was.”

She looked at him a little more closely now. “Then I’m sorry. For soon you’ll likely wish it even more.”

He looked around him. They were on a small transport ship, just room enough for three or four people but no one else was in the other seats. The woman was at the controls.

“Where are you taking me?”

“To my father. Thanos.”

“Thanos?” The name was vaguely familiar and he didn’t think it boded well. Stories from outside the Nine Realms were few and far between but rumors, whispers really, of Thanos had slipped through once or twice. No clear picture of the man could really be formed from them, but they all contained an underlining of danger and dread. “What does he want with me?”

The woman turned back to her controls and shrugged. “Perhaps nothing. In which case you will most likely have your wish and he’ll kill you. But if he thinks you might be of use then of use you will be.”

“I will be of use to no one,” snapped Loki.

She glanced back at him. “You would do well to head my warning and not fight my father. He will have his way. He always has his way. The only thing you gain with resistance is pain and eventually you will give in. Believe me.”

Loki raised an eyebrow and said sardonically, “Your father sounds nearly as charming as mine.”

“I promise you, he is worse.”

“Ah but do you have a you can’t stand?”

She shrugged. “I do have my sister Gamora. One day I will kill her.” She stated it as a fact and nothing more.

“I already tried to kill Thor. It didn’t work.”

The woman actually smiled. “Maybe if you serve my father well he will kill him for you.”

Loki thought about this and then shook his head. “I don’t want to kill Thor anymore. I just…want  my own death. I’m so…tired.”

He lapsed into silence and the woman did not seem inclined to disturb him.

The flight was a long one, several more hours, but at last they reached their destination. It was an ugly landscape and one which filled Loki with a dread he could not quite place. It was dark and gloomy, shards of rock and fragments of terrain floated through the dark space. Off, dimly in the distance, he saw large spaceships, battleships he thought, heavily armed.

They landed before a particularly large chunk of rock. The woman released him from the chair but kept his hands bound in front of him and led him off the ship.

For a moment, the two stood on the rock together. Awe mingled with fear filled Loki, before he suddenly realized that they were not alone. A large throne was floating overhead and in it a figure big, powerful, and threatening.

“What have you brought me Nebula?” the figure asked, his voice booming.

The woman, Nebula, forced Loki to his knees.

“The Void Scavengers found him floating out there. He survived a long time…comparatively.  They thought he might be powerful so they sold him to me, in case he could be of use to you. If you have wish for him, I’ll just kill him.”

The throne moved in closer. “Who are you, boy?” Thanos, Loki guessed, demanded.

Loki glared up at him and remained silent. He felt Nebula nudge him with her foot, ever so slightly, but he refused to respond.

Thanos frowned. “Answer me!”

Loki continued to remain silent.

“Bring him closer!” Thanos demanded. Nebula, her expression never anything but blank, pulled Loki up and dragged him over to the edge as Thanos lowered the throne. The man smiled an evil, vicious smile. From some compartment in the throne he withdrew a yellow stone. Loki eyed it. “Do you know what this is?” asked Thanos. Again, no answer. Suddenly Thanos lashed out, landing a blow across Loki’s jaw. It was one of the most painful punches Loki had ever received, and if Nebula had not had him in a iron grip he would have staggered to the ground.

“Do you know what this is?” Thanos demanded a second time. No response and another blow, even harder this time. Blood dripped from Loki’s lip. “Do. You. Know. What. This. Is?”

Loki hadn’t thought it was possible for Nebula’s grip to tighten any more but tighten it did, ever so slightly, as if asking him to just answer the question. He relented. “No.”

Thanos grinned. “It is an Infinity Stone. Do you must know what those are?”

Loki blinked. Indeed he did. He had read about them. He eyed it warily and nodded.

“Good. Then you know they are powerful. This one is the Mind Stone. It can do many things. Including prying open your mind and laying it bare for me. I can make it painless. But I will not. I will have my answers as to who you are, and how you can be of use to me. Pray I find something of interest, or I will have Nebula tear you apart limb from limb, slowly, before me.”

He reached out and clutched Loki’s head between his hands, digging the gem against his skull and suddenly world was filled with screams.


	21. Chapter 21

The cell was a slab of rock, floating in space, invisible force fields keeping Loki from throwing himself off the edge. He was sitting on the ground, leaning back against a large boulder, and holding his head in his hands. It was throbbing painfully. He had lost count as to how many times Thanos had probed his mind with the Infinity Stone. None had been as painful as the first, but each time had been excruciating enough.

Loki had also lost track of how long he had been here. Weeks? Months? Time had blurred as he spent his time between this barren rock and visits with Thanos. Painful visits.

It had been clear after the first time that Thanos had found something that interested him but Loki couldn’t tell what. When Thanos dug into his mind the pain was too great for him to focus, to try and figure out what Thanos was looking at.

Each visit after the first, Thanos seemed to be digging deeper as if searching for more details, more exact information. It tended to stir up Loki’s memories, bringing things to the forefront that he had kept buried.

That was probably why, he told himself, he couldn’t stop thinking of Frigga now. What was the last thing he had said to her? What had Odin and Thor told her about Loki and his actions? What did she think? They would all believe he was dead now. But would she mourn him?

His head throbbed painfully and he let out a groan.

Why was he thinking of Frigga? Surely he had larger concerns?

A few hours ago, Nebula had brought him to Thanos again. His mind had been once more raided and then, instead of sending him back to his cell, Thanos had offered him a deal.

“I know you little prince,” he had said, his voice booming across the empty space. “I have seen your mind. You want a throne and as it happens I have one to offer you.”

Loki, his head still reeling from the most recent invasion, blinked, confused. “What?”

“I find in you some affection,” and the way he said the word ‘affection’ showed his utter disdain for the concept, “for the planet Earth. I will give you that planet. If you serve me well.”

Loki almost laughed. It somehow made sense that this cruel, brutal man read his mind and yet had understood so little of it. “And how would I serve you?”

“There is something on Earth that should rightfully be mine. Another Infinity Stone. I have seen in your mind your powers and your abilities. I believe you could retrieve the stone for me.”

Loki thought he must be going mad for again he had a wild urge to laugh. It took Thanos to see in him abilities and power? What a horrible, ironical world it was.

Thanos continued: “With your magic, and using the Mind Stone’s connection to the Space Stone, the one I am after, I believe you could force open a portal just large enough for yourself to step through. Once on Earth, with the power of the Mind Stone, you would be able to build a loyal following, harness the abilities of the Space Stone, and open a new portal, one large enough for my army to enter. I desire a foothold in Nine Realm for my future plans. My army will take control of Earth and make you its ruler. Loyal to me, of course.”

Loki stared at him. The man was mad. “So simple,” he said, icily. “I wonder you need me at all.”

“Do not make the mistake of believing, that because I make you this offer, you are more than a prisoner on whom I would enjoy to see untold pain inflicted. If you think what you have experienced from the Mind Stone has been torture, you know nothing of what I am capable of. Know this, little prince, you will aid me. The only question that remains is will you receive a reward at the end of it? Or will Earth be obliterated from the universe.”

The ultimatum had shaken Loki, but at least Thanos had not demanded an immediate answer.

Loki was pulled back from his memories by the sound of a small transport approaching his prison. It landed at the edge and Nebula stepped out. He supposed that it was time. He would be brought back to Thanos and he must give his answer.

But she did not place the customary chains around his wrists; instead she came over and sat down opposite him. He waited, sensing suddenly that she was not here on her father’s behest, but rather had something of her own to say.

At last she spoke, and when she did it was abrupt, as if she’d been trying to build up the courage to say it. “When I was a child, my father would pit me against my sister. We would fight. And every time I lost, Thanos would take me, and take away another piece of me. My eye. My hand. Pieces of my brain. Making me better, more efficient. Do you know how often my sister won?”

He shook his head, though looking at the various pieces of metal attached to her, it must have been quite often. But she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring off into space.

“She won every time. No matter what I lost, she always won.” Nebula dragged her gaze back to Loki. “When my father says he will destroy this planet he spoke of, destroy it he will. If you care for it at all, you will take the deal.”

Loki frowned. “You’ve come here to argue his case?” he snapped.

“His case does not need arguing. He will win. You will do as he says.”

“No,” said Loki flatly.

“Yes. You will. The only question is how many pieces of you he will cut away before you agree. Because you _will_ agree. And by then this planet ‘Earth’ will be doomed. You think you know my father? You think you’ve seen what he’s capable of. But you have no idea. You cannot even begin to imagine. You think you desire death? You cannot imagine how deep that desire can run.” She stood up. “You will eventually give in. Do so now, before it’s too late.”

Loki’s fist clenched. “I can resist him. I can withstand the pain.”

“You know nothing of pain. But even if you could…what then? Your help will make things easier for him. Simpler. But it is not vital. His ships can reach Earth the long way. I suspect he would leave you alive long enough to watch him decimate the planet. Though I’m not sure the state you would be in could properly be termed ‘living.” With that, she turned and walking back to her ship.

“I don’t know what the pain is like,” said Loki suddenly. “But I do know what it’s like to always lose. I fought my brother again and again, in one way or another. And he won every time.”

She looked back at him.

“All I wanted, was to be his equal. All I wanted a brother,” he said. “But I lost every time.”

“And you will lose this time as well.”

The two stared at each other for a moment, a shared pain bonding them for that one moment of time, and then it was over. She nodded curtly and returned to her transport.

And Loki, left alone, considered what she had said. And he knew suddenly, that she was right. The only way to save Earth, would be to destroy it.


	22. Chapter 22

To tell a lie, a truly convincing lie, you had to embrace it. You had to become that lie and live it. Otherwise, it was weak, easily shattered. If you left a corner of your mind free from the lie, then that corner would grow and expand and take you over. And then, when confronted by the truth, it would assert itself against the lie and you would be lost.

Loki knew this. Loki knew that he had a part to play, a part he must become. He was tried and weary but he could not rest. Thanos had his plans and Loki must fall in line. Because if he didn’t Earth, the only place that had ever felt remotely like a home, would be lost forever. Meredith’s home. There were probably still relatives of her alive. He had to protect them. He had to save the planet that had brought him Meredith. He had to do this for her memory and Peter’s.

He gripped the scepter that Thanos had given him. It was a tool, both to open the portal to Earth but also to win over an army. But Loki knew instinctively that it was more than that. It was a spy, keeping Loki linked to Thanos so that Loki would not stray from the mission.

The portal was not going to be easy to create. He must tap into the bond between the Infinity Stones themselves, reach across untold distances, and pry open a hole in space large enough for him to slip through. The magic needed was intricate, dangerous, and powerful. His magic capabilities were one thing Loki seldom doubted, but for once he was uncertain.

And once through the portal? Well then the lie would begin. A lie that would be hard to maintain. But the people of Earth wouldn’t want to hear the truth, that their option was a choice between Loki’s rule and complete destruction. The lie was better.

He wondered about Asgard. Earth was part of the Nine Realms but the Bifrost had been destroyed. It could not have been repaired already. He was glad. He didn’t think he could face Thor after everything, not in the middle of the lie he had to tell. And by the time the Bifrost was repaired Thanos’s army would have arrived. Earth would be under his command and the Asgardians would have their hands full protecting their own planet let alone worrying over Earth. For whatever Thanos had planned, it was clear he had intentions for the rest of the Nine Realms.

Magic crackled around and through him. He frowned, concentrating, reaching through the Mind Stone, letting go of his surroundings, and burrowing through the stone into its very core, then out, following invisible lines which he could sense and feel, out across the vastness of space. Which way? Which one to follow…this one perhaps? Through space his mind traveled at dizzying speeds. It came to a planet, abandoned and desolate, and there trapped an orb, contained in a force field, buried in a tomb he found one of the stones. But this was not Earth.

He pulled back, following the connection back once more to the Mind Stone. He latched on to different line and followed it along. Searching, looking, space slipping by, and then…

The blue and green planet soared into view and he felt his breath stop. Earth. How he missed it. How he yearned for it. Why? Why did he have to do this to Earth? Why couldn’t there be another way? For one brief, hopeful moment he wondered if there might not be. Perhaps he could warn Earth. He could show the Asgardians the secret pathways. They could prepare for battle. Yes Thanos’s army would reach the planet eventually but he would be met by warriors ready to fight.

But no. Loki had seen Thanos’s army. Even Asgard would not be able to defeat it. And besides, would anyone listen to him? Would they believe him? And surely his experience by this point should have taught him that the worst always occurred. There were no heroes. There were no victories for the just or the innocent. There was never hope.

He followed the line down into the planet, through cities and country and finally to a bunker and underground.

Yes, this was it. He could feel the Space Stone pulse with power and he concentrated, sweat beading on his forehead, his muscles tensing as slowly, bit by bit, he ripped open a hole. He knew it was unstable. He knew that once through he would have to act quickly.

He took a breath. It was time. He let Loki go, and took on the being he knew he had to become to see this through to the end, and then he stepped through the portal.


	23. Chapter 23

It was harder than Loki had expected. Lying was something he could do. But he was just so tired. He didn’t want this. Any of it. And being back on Earth just reminded him vividly of the fact Meredith was no longer here.

He had come through the portal and right away there had been a fight. It had been a strain. The magic he’d used to get here had been tiring and his heart was not in this battle, but he’d forced himself to push through the waves of exhaustion. He needed to do this. He could not afford to weaken now.

The one-eyed man had been there, Fury as he later learned his name was. The eyepatch reminded him of Odin. An unpleasant realization, one that reminded him the Heimdall would know by now that Loki was in fact alive and on Earth. He would have reported it to Odin and Thor…to Frigga? Would she be happy? Or would she be disappointed that he was once again causing strife?

That moment’s distraction threw him off.

Fury was speaking and Loki forced himself back to the present and made himself respond.  “I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.”

He tried not to wince. ‘Burdened with glorious purpose?’ What could he _possibly_ have been thinking with that one?

An older man stepped forward. “Loki? Brother of Thor?”

Loki shot him the coldest look that he could muster. He broke in here, killed guards, took over the mind of a man, and that’s how he was greeted? ‘Brother of Thor?’.

He felt a twinge of the old anger and resentment and dived into it. He would need it if he was going to play this part.

“An ant has no quarrel with a boot,” he said, pouring what disdain he could muster into his voice. _Think of Thor. Think of all the years of slights. Of being passed over. Think of the lies. You are Laufeyson, a Frost Giant, a Jotun. Use that rage, that just fury._

But it wasn’t enough. He tried to quiet the voice that wanted to say it didn’t matter anymore, that all he wished to do was sleep for a long time, perhaps forever. That voice had no place in his head.

Fine. He needed inspiration and Thor clearly wasn’t doing it.

_This planet couldn’t save Meredith. It couldn’t cure her. And it let Peter die._

His grip tightened on the scepter.

Yes, that was better.

“Freedom. Freedom is life's great lie. Once you accept that, in your heart...” And it was true. There was no freedom. There was no joy. There was no happy ending.

“You will know peace,” he added. It was a promise and a reassurance. Earth would burn. But it would be saved. He would see to that.

He and his new followers escaped the building with the Infinity Stone. Their first step was complete. But there was oh so much farther to go. He had to stay focused. He had to stay on track no matter how difficult it was. Each time he wavered he thought of Meredith. He thought of Peter. And he blamed Earth for it. It wasn’t quite fair. He knew that. But it worked and that’s what he needed.

The hardest part was Barton. The process of taking over the man’s mind allowed him to see into it  and what he found there troubled him. This was a good man. This was a man of ideals. He was almost Asgardian in his outlook and yet tempered with that strange quality that was so uniquely human: some mixture of humility, self-doubt, and a true desire to do what was right. There was no pride in his heroic deeds, no desire for glory.

Selvig, the other soldiers, none of them bothered Loki as much as Barton. There was a goodness to Barton…and there was something that reminded Loki of Meredith. He couldn’t quite place what it was. He sensed somehow that Barton believed in the goodness of others. Well. After this he was unlikely to make that mistake again. If he survived. Loki almost hoped that he wouldn’t. It was hard enough as it was to look him in the eyes.

Perhaps it was Loki’s hesitation over his use of Barton that caused The Other to summon him. Perhaps it was sensed. Either way, summoned he was.

Loki loathed The Other. He was petty and weak, thriving off the power of Thanos. A bully, nothing more. At least Thanos wielded his own power; The Other wielded other people’s.

Loki kept up his part. It was better to be seen, greedy for the throne of Earth then desperate to save the planet. It would only be seen as weakness  by The Other and by Thanos, and weakness was not something Loki could afford.

“I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words.” It felt good to stand up for himself, to be in a position of control once more.

But The Other had smiled. “You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from            us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain.”

And for the first time Loki well and truly feared what Thanos could do to him.


	24. Chapter 24

Loki was putting on a beautiful performance. He had to applaud himself. It was superb on multiple levels. It would get him capture as had been part of the strategy, but he was also perfectly playing the harder role, the role he must play for everyone: for the humans, for Thanos, and even for himself.

As he stood before the kneeling crowd, he focused on his part. It was so much easier to do that than to remember what he had just down to that man, ripping out his eye… no, he wasn’t going to think of that. Concentrate on the here and now. Recite his lines. Smile his deadliest smile.

“You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel,” he declared.

Somewhere out in the crowd, an elderly man stood up and Loki hesitated.

The man spoke. “Not to men like you.”

“There are no men like me,” said Loki, and it wasn’t part of his performance. It was the simple truth. He was alone, in every sense of the word. No one saw the world as he did. No one even really saw him. Not the him that had been buried under so many masks and lies. No one could lie like he did. And he envied them for that.

“There will always be men like you,” said the man, stubborn.

Perhaps he was right. Perhaps Loki wasn’t so special after all. Just another monster. Jotunheim was full of them was it not?

But Loki wished the man would shut up. He wished he would kneel. He admired him for his bravery but he didn’t want-…he gripped his scepter. He didn’t want to have to do this. And yet…if he didn’t? The mask would shatter, questions would be asked. The being he had presented to this world would kill this man for this apparent insolence. Loki knew better than anyone that a role could not be half-heartedly played and still believed.

Reluctantly, he raised the scepter. “Look to your elders, people. Let him be an example.” _Let this be painless. For both of us._

There was sheer relief when he saw the Captain standing in front of the old man, blocking him.

The fight that followed was quick, brutal, and short. It felt good to have an enemy to lash out at, to vent his feelings on.

Of course he was captured, as he knew he would be.

But then, as they flew towards whatever base they intended to hold him in, things stopped going according to plan. He was just congratulating himself on making it this far with limited loss of Midgardian life, when he heard the thunder and he frowned.

It couldn’t be. Could it? There was no possible way that the Bifrost was already repaired. And surely the Allfather would not have used dark energy to send Thor here? Would he?

The Captain noticed his expression and made some wry comment about being scared of lightening. Loki answered it truthfully.

“I'm not overly fond of what follows.”

What did follow happened blindingly flash. There was a thud, the jet’s back was ripped open and before Loki had even processed who was standing there Thor had grabbed him by the throat, yanked him up, and leaped out of the plane and to the ground below.

Loki winced as he was crashed into the side of a mountain. Thor stood over him, hammer raised, a steely glint in his eye.

“Where is the Tesseract?”

The question hit him harder than the mountain had. The last Thor had seen of him, he’d been falling into oblivion, towards what should have been certain death, a death that Loki had chosen for himself. And now, finding him alive, the first thing he said was this? Where is the Tesseract? Nothing else. No attempt to reason with Loki. No questions of how he survived. Nothing. Just where is the Tesseract.

Loki laughed bitterly. When last they had fought over the Bifrost Thor had pretended to be different, to have changed. It seemed Loki had been right to doubt that miraculous transformation after all.

“I missed you too,” said Loki icily.

“Do I look to be in a gaming mood?” Thor yelled.

 _Do I?_ Loki thought sardonically. Instead he said:

“Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? _Your_ precious Earth.” He said the last bitterly. Because of course everything Thor wanted, Thor got. Loki had wanted to be on Earth so badly once and it had been denied him. But Thor, Thor had been banished here as ‘punishment’, and now? Now Odin not only allowed him to come here he used dark energy to do it.

Thor dropped the hammer and took a step nearer to Loki, his voice suddenly cracking. “I thought you dead.”

“Did you mourn?” asked Loki, actually curious.

“We all did. Our father…”

No! He didn’t want to hear this. He could not hear this. Not when there were so many terrible deeds he must yet do if Earth hoped to survive. He cut Thor off abruptly. “Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?” Loki pulled himself from Thor’s grasp and took a few steps away.

“We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that?”

Loki stopped and turned. Was Thor really so blind? Was that how Thor really remembered it? What about the countless times Loki was belittled by Thor and his friends? The slights? The insults? Being forgotten and being ignore? Wondering which was worse. Could Thor really not have seen all that Loki endured? Or had he simply chosen not to?

He fumbled for words to make Thor understand.

“I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness.”

_Light creates shadow, and that is what you see: your shadow, and that’s not the real you. Never forget who you are: a being composed of pure light._

Those had been Meredith’s words, hadn’t they? Why had he thought of them now, here, talking to Thor? Why did it make him so suddenly angry? He didn’t know. But he dug into that anger rather than let himself be overcome by memories of the past and he give little thought to his next words, so long as they moved them away from the talk of shadows.

“I remember you tossing me into an abyss,” he accused. “I was and should be king!”

And of course Thor fell for it. For after all, it was easy to believe the worse of Loki. And it was even easier for Thor to make it all about himself.

“So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights.” Imagined slights? Blind, ignorant, fool! “No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki.”

The world Thor loved? It made Loki want to laugh. Thor spent a handful of days on this world and thought he knew it? Had the gall to stand there and say that Earth was under _his_ protection? When Loki was sacrificing whatever was left of his sanity to keep it from Thanos’s destruction?

He saw red. And he pushed back. He pushed back and when Thor demanded if he thought himself above the people of Earth, Loki quickly assented. Anything to push back at Thor. And then, most humorous of all, Thor actually stood there and told Loki that he missed the truth of ruling? That the throne would not suit him?

Thor with all his arrogance? Thor who had no comprehension of diplomacy. Thor who had time and again shown how unfit he was for power? Thor thought he could tell Loki about ruling? And then most insulting of all to act as if Thor had not considered Loki unfit all along? For never once had Thor believed Loki worthy of a throne. Always Thor had been so infuriatingly confident that Odin would bestow the crown on himself.

Loki wanted to scream. How could a few minutes of conversation with Thor bring up all the old wounds all over again, picking open the scabs that had grown over them, drawing blood?

His frustration, fury and pain, caused him to make a slip-up.

“I've seen worlds you've never known! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it...

Perhaps Thor had grown a little. A year ago he wouldn’t have noticed the mistake. A year ago he’d probably be punching things by now. Instead, he saw the implication and latched onto it.

“Who showed you this power?”

Loki swore mentally. He hadn’t meant to reveal that there was anyone else behind him. Not yet. He needed to stay focused on his mission and questions about Thanos were too likely to derail him. Even now he could feel the cold, seeping dread as memories of Thanos and his sessions with the Mind Stone flashed through his head. The memories made him waver.

But Thor made a mistake and pressed: “Who controls the would-be-king?”

Fury flared up once more. “I am a king!”

Of course Thor would belittle him. Of course.

“Not here! You give up the Tesseract!  You give up this poisonous dream! You come home.”

Loki resisted once more the urge to laugh…or maybe to cry. Home? He had no home. The one and only home he had ever had had been wrenched from him when Midgard had been forbidden to him. His home had died a slow and painful death, while through the years he could only watch a silly ring’s color dim and fade to gold.

But that was not the home Thor spoke of. Thor spoke of a home that had never existed. A home with father, mother, and brother. A home where he was loved and cherished by them all and considered an equal: worthy, and respected. An imaginary home. One Thor lived in everyday but which Loki had never known.

“I don't have it,” said Loki coolly, happy to thwart Thor for once. “You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where.”

“You listen well brother. I-”

Out of nowhere something crashed into Thor, knocking him away.

Loki couldn’t resist a grin. “I’m listening,” he said to the empty space in front of him. His smile faded a little.

Off to the left he could hear the sound of intense fighting but he ignored it. He didn’t like this above half. He hadn’t counted on Thor being on Midgard for what was about to happen. Not that he thought Thor could stop him. But it made it…so much harder. And Thor was likely to fight till the end to save this planet. It was his obstinate, headstrong way. He would fail. But would there be a way to save him?

Loki had tried to kill Thor. His rage during the time spent banished on Midgard had been so complete and total. He knew Thanos had seen that rage when he’d pried open his mind, and most likely considered it when deciding to use him.

And yet, while his brother was still able to reawaken some of his old anger, he found that the thought of Thor dead, and by his own actions, was no longer one he wished for. In fact he winced as he thought back to what he had done with the Destroyer. He had been mad with anger back then. Now…well. Briefly he wondered if the anger wasn’t just a mask for something deeper. Could he have grown so used to masks that he no longer recognized them? He pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter.

After all, it was really so simple. He had chosen to save Earth and save it he would. If he could save Thor along the way, he would try. For now, running, no matter how much he yearned to do so, and Hel would it be easy, those imbeciles were still fighting amongst themselves, he had a plan and he would stick with it. No matter much he didn’t want another heart to heart with Thor.

Reluctantly, he sat down cross-legged, and waited for them to stop squabbling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if covering scenes from the movie, more or less how it played out there, is a bit boring.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter and I know I haven't updated for awhile but I've been visiting my sister for the past week and a half :-) Should start posting more over the coming week.

Loki sat staring at his hands as the transport lifted off from the carrier and flew away. He’d escaped, as he knew he would, but he could feel his tightly maintained control fraying at the edges.

Everything had gone smoothly more or less. He’d been surprised that Thor had not come to his cell for another attempt to sway him. Surprised but thankful.

Fury had been easy to deal with. The man had used threats and Loki could deal with threats. There was nothing that Fury could do to him that was worse than what he had already gone through. The mask he had in place deflected Fury’s words easier than batting away a fly. The conversation with the one they called the Black Widow however…that had been harder.

He’d been shaken by her explanation of the debt she owed Barton. It reminded him of the debt he had owed Meredith. Like Meredith, Barton had looked at a being steeped in blackness and seen light. Would Barton ever recover from what Loki had done to him? What if someone had taken Meredith and perverted her mind has Loki has done Barton’s?

That thought had caused him to lose his temper. When he said she could never pay back the debt she owed Barton, he was speaking far more of himself.

“You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code, something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away!”

It was him. It was so clearly him. Why could she not see that? Why could no one see that? He felt a stirring deep inside his brain, as if the real Loki were banging against the walls of the mask, screaming, trying to tear a way out.

Viciously, he had let slip his plans for Banner. It was foolish. And it troubled him that it was the second time that he had given away details of his plans before he was ready. Why was he so badly off his game? Why couldn’t he stay focused?

Was he off his game when he killed that man? Coulson, was it? Barton had talked of him. Did he kill him because he was distracted? Or had killing him really been the only option?

As the transport flew through the sky and towards New York, Loki couldn’t force the image out of his head. The man had died bravely. But his final words kept going round and round in Loki’s head.

“You’re going to lose.”

“Am I?” Loki had asked, desperate for something to distract him from what he’d just done.

“It’s in your nature.” Well that was true enough wasn’t it? He always lost. Wasn’t that what he’d told Nebula?

But this time he wasn’t going to lose. This time there was too much at stake. “Your heroes are scattered, your floating fortress falls from the sky...where is my disadvantage?”

“You lack conviction.”

Loki stared. This man, this man who he had just murdered, who he hadn’t had one full conversation with…saw…him.

He did lack conviction. Even he had to admit that. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be fighting this battle.

Coulson saw this. And he saw into Loki’s nature. What more could he see?

Hesitantly, trying to figure out how to respond, he opened his mouth to answer, and had been blasted back through a wall.

His body still ached from that but he supposed he should be thankful that he had not had to watch with his own eyes as Coulson breathed his last breathe.

The transport landed. They were in New York. It was time.

Loki straightened.

Now was not the time for doubts.


	26. Chapter 26

And Coulson was proved right once again. Loki did lose. The battle proved harder than he had anticipated. The humans put up a fight. He knew they would. He just hadn’t known how effective it would be. Perhaps conviction was indeed vital when you were fighting for your life. And his conviction wavered again, and again. For one moment he almost allowed Thor to talk him down. _Thor_ of all people.

Loki had looked out over the battle and been so exhausted he could have stopped right then and there…but he needed to save Earth. He needed to do this.

He had stabbed Tor. Hoping against hope that he could wound Thor enough that the man would have to pull out of the fight. Thor couldn’t defeat Thanos. But if he were weak enough that he _had_ to pull out of the fight…return to Asgard…perhaps the whole battle would be over before he had recovered.

But the wound hadn’t been bad enough for that. Thor had kept fighting. But it wasn’t Thor who defeated him.

It was Banner. The large, green monster had been shockingly strong. As Loki had been bashed against the floor, he slipped for a few precious hours into unconsciousness and when he awoke…it was all over. He didn’t know exactly how but it didn’t matter. The portal was closed. The Avengers had the Tesseract. It was over.

The humans had won and Earth would be lost. Thanos would come. Not today. Perhaps not even this year. But he would come. And then Earth, Meredith’s home, would be destroyed. Her grave would be lost to the universe. As would Peter’s.

Loki was so very tired. He could see Earth’s doom written and he told himself that he couldn’t afford to care. He had lost too much already. And so he had smiled at the heroes ranged against him, and said, “If it's all the same to you, I'll have that drink now.”

Odin did he need that drink. But sadly it was not forthcoming.

He spent the night in a SHEILD holding cell but he didn’t sleep. Every nerve was tense because he knew what was coming. He knew where he was going next. Asgard. It felt like centuries since he had hung over the void and chosen to let go. Since he had sat in Odin’s throne and refused to lift Thor’s banishment. Since he had seen Frigga.

For one brief, flash of a moment he wondered if Frigga would look on him and know everything. Know what he had been through. Know the jumbled mess of wounds and sours his mind had become.

But why would she? It had been many, many years since Frigga had seen behind the masks he wore. And to drop the mask now was as unthinkable as it was impossible. It was welded on and he could not wrench it off even if he so desired.

When Thor came for him the next day, neither spoke. Loki had nothing to say, Thor probably too much.

He was taken outside somewhere and the others were present. He saw the Widow whisper something to Barton and Barton give an ugly almost cruel smile. He didn’t blame Barton, but he hoped that he had not twisted the man too much, had not blotted out the light in him that had recognized the light in the Widow. He thought of Meredith and hoped her illness had never darkened her.

He grasped the tesseract, there was no point on fighting now, and felt the pull as he and Thor were pulled up to Asgard.

When he was brought before the Allfather and Allmother, he was at the end of his rope. He just…wanted it to be over. And so he played the part Odin expected to see. He acted cruel. He knew he pained Frigga but he didn’t care. She begged him not to make it worse. _Selfish_ , he thought, _doesn’t she see that this is what I need? I need Odin to end this. To end me. Order my death and let me be done! I need to make this worse! Help me Frigga to make this worse! Don’t plead for me! Don’t ask for mercy!_

Odin sent her out and Loki was glad of it. A dull ache throbbed through him when he saw her destressed. Would she come to his execution? He almost fancied that when it came to say a final goodbye, he would be able to set the past aside and just a enjoy a final moment with her.

“I really don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Loki.

“Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes? Where ever you go there is war, ruin and death,” Odin had demanded. It was almost insulting how easily Odin believed the part Loki was playing for him. If Loki had had any emotion to spare, he would have been hurt. But there were too many other wounds.

“I went down down to Midgard to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent God. Just like you.”

“We are not Gods. We are born, we live, we die. Just as humans do,” Odin had said.

“Give or take five thousand years,” said Loki bitterly. Just as humans? Then why had he been denied his life with Meredith? No. He had thousands of years to live without her. He did not live and die as a human. Though he wished with all his soul that he might have.

“All this because Loki desired… a throne,” said Odin.

Loki wanted to snarl. Odin had no idea what he wanted. “It is my birthright!” he spat before the long list of what he really wanted forced itself out.

“Your birthright was to die! As a child. Cast out onto a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in you would not be here now to hate me.”

Loki blinked, shocked. He had known it. He had thought it. Again and again in one form or another. Even before he had known the whole truth he had known Odin had no love for him. But to hear him say it? To actually hear the man he had once considered his father, as good as wish that he had left Loki out there in the cold to die?

And why wouldn’t he? Look where they both now stood. Loki yearned to travel back in time. To warn Odin to leave him there to die in the ice and cold as Laufey had intended. Probably the only thing the two kings…the two fathers…had ever agreed on.

Perhaps it was shock that caused him to speak honestly. “If I’m for the axe then for Mercy’s sake, just swing it. It’s not that I don’t love our little talks it’s just I don’t love them.” _End this. End this please I beg of you. For once, do something for me! Let me die!_

“Frigga is the only reason you’re still alive, and you’ll never see her again.” Loki’s heart sank. He wasn’t going to be condemned to death, was he? “You’ll spend the rest of your days in the dungeon.”

Damn Frigga! Damn them all!

Worse than hell. A lifetime of nothing but his own thoughts to relive everything he had lost. Every path not taken. A lifetime with his own broken mind. Centuries alone with nothing to do but feel his brain eat into itself, replaying each painful moment of his life over and over again. For what moments were not painful now? Thanos had ripped through them, tainting them all.

“And what of Thor? You’ll make that witless oaf King while I rot in chains?” It wasn’t much of a blow but he was too shaken to come up with anything better.

“Thor must strive to undo the damage you have done. He’ll bring order to the nine realms and then, yes, he will be King.”

Yes, of course Thor would be king. Thor would have everything. The throne. A life on Earth and a life on Asgard. His friends on both worlds. And probably that Midgardian he cared for so much. But even Thor would have to lose eventually. And he would learn one day how fragile Midgardians really were. How easily lost…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a bright little ray of sunshine Loki has been these past few chapters.


	27. Chapter 27

There was hell and there was boredom. Those were Loki’s options. He could go over the past in his head and see only loss or look to the future and see only inevitable destruction. It felt as if his brain were against him, trying to kill him.

He tried to retreat into the good parts of the past. To relive over and over again only the good memories, the moments with Meredith and Peter. But they’d become to twisted up with losing her, with losing Peter, with resentment of Odin and Thor, with his attack on Midgard, with Thanos…he couldn’t separate the good and the bad anymore.

The only other choice was to remain in the present, fighting to keep his mind a blank, and the sheer tedium of days stretched before him, forcing him to wonder if despair was not better than this mind-numbing idleness.

Frigga sent books. He would try to read them but he could not concentrate on them for long.

Intellectually he knew that his mind had been pushed too far. He and others had asked too much of it. And now it was whimpering in the corner, like an abused animal in pain.

There was one saving grace. The cell was designed to dull magical abilities, and while he could feel his powers were weaker he could still summon enough to draw up an illusion. With a false image in front of the guards and other prisoners, he did not have to worry about how he appeared. He didn’t have to stay strong. If he needed to scream at the walls he could scream at the walls. If he dug his fingernails into his skull, and fought desperately to keep the memories at bay, he could do so without fear that there would be reports back to Frigga.

For he knew Frigga was watching. He recognized many of the guards in the dungeons as ones highly trusted by the Allmother: men and women who had proven themselves, who ordinarily would never be assigned these postings, having earned the right to be assigned the throne room or the vaults. But they would not have objected to taking a posting that was beneath them when Frigga asked. The loyalty she could inspire in people was vast and unending. She was beloved by so many. Loki wondered what that was like.

Odin had threatened that Loki would never see her again. And Frigga followed the letter but hardly the spirit of the law. He never saw her in the flesh, but time and again she would send down a projection of herself into his cell.

His magic was too weak for his illusions to fool her, so there were times when he would sense her coming and he had to drop it quickly and pull his mask back into place, to present to her an expression both bored and remorseless, his thoughts crying out in protest. But he ignored it. He thought that to tell her the truth now would be the final, killing blow to his mind.

The visits with Frigga were not…fruitful. They both knew it. They went around and around in circles, always at arm’s length. Frigga understood that he was keeping her away but she could not push through it. She assumed it was anger over the Jotun lie, mixed with the resentment for the various slights which, despite what Odin might claim, she knew were real. Once upon a time she had been able to reach Loki, but it seemed she had lost that ability. Nothing she said could reach him. He was so far away and she realized that it had been so for years. The distance keeping her from her son was not just because he was in this cell and it could not all be attributed to him discovering the truth of his birth.

When she thought back and considered, she realized that she could not remember the last time Loki had really confided in her. How long had he simply been playing the part she expected to see? Loki was the master of illusionary magic. But his ability at illusion went so far behind that. When had her son, so quiet, so thoughtful, and so peaceful, changed? Outwardly he had always seemed the same. How could he have changed so much internally and hidden it? When had he become a man that could destroy cities and bring war to planets? Thor…well, as dearly as she loved Thor, she knew that he had always had a fondness for a good fight. But Loki? How could a change like that happen without her ever seeing it?

She knew Odin didn’t want her to see Loki again. And she realized, with a little surprise, that while she might not have Loki’s talent for dissimulation, she had least enough of the skill to hide her distress after each visit from Odin. And she was surprised at how lonely that concealment could make her feel. Sitting across from his husband at dinner, trying to talk of Thor’s current missions to restore peace to the Nine Realms, pretending that her thoughts weren’t going over and over again her most recent visit with Loki which had ended in frosty silence and his back turned to her, she felt so alone. She had had secrets before, Loki’s birth for instance, but they were secrets she had shared with Odin. Now she yearned to talk it over with him, together they were so much stronger, but he would only be angry at her if she tried. And there was no one else whom she could trust to either keep the secret or share her concerns. There was too much hatred and anger at Loki for the present. He crimes to recent. No one would understand. Not even Thor.

And she wondered, sitting there at the table, feeling the isolation of her secret, if this was how Loki had felt for so many years? Keeping his hurts behind a wall? Hiding himself? Pretending that he did not feel slighted? No wonder he had grown so bitter. Why could he not have brought his secrets to her? Or had she had been responsible for some of the hurts as well?

Over and over again she went through the past, tried to remember anything she might have done that would have hurt him. And she was not pleased with the results. Yes, she had always tried to be there for him, but had she really been? She had shared her love of magic with him, but had she shared her love of himself with Loki?

For some reason she thought back to the time he had been caught slipping down to Midgard (another secret that must have been so hard for him to keep) and his confession to her that he had gone down there because he had no friends on Asgard. She had done what he’d asked and gotten permission for Loki to return to the world one final time, but what else had she done? There had been a cry for help in that admission and she had done nothing. She had procured the favor and then life had continued on as it had ever done. And looking back now she wondered…how must it have felt for Loki when Thor was cast down to Midgard?

He was in that cell because of his own actions. But she must share the blame. Her, Odin, and yes, even Thor. True justice would be for the whole family to be locked away together until they could sort their problems out. Frigga smiled a little at the thought. She did not think Odin would agree to that. Even so, as long as she shared the blame she was not going to turn her back on Loki and leave him to spend eternity in that cell alone. No matter what Odin commanded.

Not that she blamed Odin. She understood that he was in pain himself. And often when he was hurt, rather than acknowledge it, he grew angry. She had been told what he said to Loki at the sentencing. She knew that in his heart he didn’t mean it. Odin loved Loki as much as she did. He was their son. Only parents could mess up as badly as they had done, she thought wryly.

She knew that one day Odin would lift the order and allow her to visit Loki in person. Probably one day he would go himself. She smiled at her husband from across the table. She smiled and she loved him dearly. But if she waited until his anger cooled, by then it might be too late. How bitter could a man grow before it was too late to correct the wrongs of the past? And Loki had grown bitter indeed.

And so Frigga kept visiting Loki. Getting nowhere but trying nonetheless, worried that even now it might already be too late, but refusing to believe it.

And then things went wrong on Midgard.Thor’s Jane Foster was in danger, the Aether found, and she was brought to Asgard. It delighted Frigga to get to meet her at last. It struck her how perfect she was for Thor. How much he needed someone like her in his life. She wondered how different Loki’s fate might have been had he found someone similar to share it with?

She went to see Loki. And yet again it did not go well. But for once, she found hope. When he mocked her, asking if Odin and Thor were worried for him and asking after him, she thought she detected a deep and sharp hurt beneath the words. There was a vulnerability in the question that he had refused to show before and so she pressed. When he asserted for what felt like the hundredth time that Odin was not his father, she pointed out the logical conclusion: “Then am I not your mother?”

The hesitation was clear in his eyes. She knew as surely as she knew that he would that he did not wish to deny her. And as much as it hurt to hear him say “You’re not”, she felt happy. She knew that her Loki was still in there. She knew, that no matter what lies he told to either her or himself, that they both knew deep down she was his mother, bound by love if not by blood.

“Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself,” she had said wistfully. She hadn’t known that those would be the last words she ever spoke to him. But if she had…well. She probably wouldn’t have changed them.

There had been the attack. When the alarms had sounded her first thought had been for Loki. Not that he was responsible but that he might be in danger. She had sent Thor to him and she had defended Jane and by extension the man she wanted Thor to be.

She had fought Malekith and had felt no fear. She was a warrior and she faced her death unflinchingly. There had been pain but that was only temporary. She knew that it would soon pass. Her only regret was Loki and that she would not be there for him as she had so often failed to be before. She hoped he understood how much she loved him. She hoped he understood that…she understood.

Darkness had enveloped her and it was done.

Only…it was not done. There was the next great journey. And when she opened her eyes and beheld the most beautiful landscape she had ever seen, she knew that her journey had only just begun.

And before her stood a woman, young and fair, blonde and with a kind smile, dressed in the clothes of Midgard. She approached Frigga and she smiled.

“My name is Meredith. And I am so happy to finally meet you. There’s so much we have to talk about!”


	28. Chapter 28

It was one of Frigga’s guards who told him. Even after her death, the man continued to perform the duty she had given him: look after her son. He fulfilled that duty by ensuring that Loki heard the news from someone who would break it to him gently.

Outwardly, Loki pretended to receive the information calmly. But inwardly…the first thing he thought was “Why?”: why had he told that creature which stairs to take? Would Frigga be alive today if he had not done so?

He threw up an illusion and wrecked his cell. Tearing the pages from the books she had given him. Shattering the furniture she had so carefully selected for his comfort. He cut his foot on shattered glass and he did not care. He embraced the pain. He deserved the pain.

Frigga. Meredith. Peter. Everyone he loved was taken from him. Everyone who loved him.

Why had he turned Frigga away? She hadn’t understood. She’d missed so much over the years. And she had told her own share of lies. But she had always loved him. Always reached for him. Now, having lost her, he asked himself if it was really fair to blame her for believing the lies that he himself so expertly told. If he hid himself from her, how could she be blamed for failing to find him?

When Thor came to him, Loki felt oddly grateful. Thor and he might be worlds apart, but they both knew that the person who did this to Frigga needed to burn. Still, Loki was shocked that Thor actually agreed to break him out of prison for it. Thor really thought he could control him once freed? Well. For once, Thor underestimating him would work to his advantage.

Loki felt almost giddy. It was downright enjoyable walking through the castle halls with Thor. There was a bitterness beneath their banter, a cruel sincerity and a danger that had never been there in the old days. But it felt oddly…good. It bothered him how good it felt. Of course then Thor had to snap the handcuffs around his wrists and ruin the moment. But Loki found he respected him for that as well.

Meeting Jane was a delight. He didn’t blame her for the slap. And there was something in the fire of her eyes when she’d done it that reminded him of Frigga. Yes, she’d be good for Thor.

The escape was…messy. Of course it was. Thor might have changed but he still didn’t understand subtlety. Loki actually enjoyed being on one his motley plans again, though he’d kill before he’d admit it.

More than one of Thor’s friends threatened him with death should he betray Thor, and it was all Loki could do not to roll his eyes. But they made it to the secret pathway. It was thrilling to be going through it once more. Weeks in a dungeon and now this. The change was intoxicating. And then they were through, in the desolate landscape of the Dark World.

Jane was unconscious. Loki watched as Thor placed a cover over her. He had never seen his brother so gentle. He cared about her deeply didn’t he? Meredith rose before Loki’s eyes and he shoved her away.

Thor couldn’t read his mind. But for a brief moment Loki felt as if his secret were plastered across his face, so he said the first thing that came to mind:

“What I could do with the power that flows through those veins.”

“It would consume you.”

Loki wanted to laugh. True enough. One infinity stone had nearly destroyed his mind. What would this one do to him? And yet, he had survived the Mind Stone far longer than most probably would have. “She’s holding up all right. For now.”

“She’s strong in ways you’d never even know.”

_Oh Thor. You have no idea of the frailty of Midgardians. You have fought alongside their heroes and seen their strength. But even those heroes will fade all too soon._

“Say goodbye,” said Loki, as gently as he could.

“Not this day!”

 _You need to know_ , Loki thought, _you have no idea what it will be like to lose her. And lose her you will. All too soon. You will watch her fade, bit by bit. You will feel what I felt. And I would not wish that on anyone. Not even you Thor. Not even in recompense for the slights, the insults, and the neglect._

“This day, the next, a hundred years, it’s nothing. It’s a heartbeat. You’ll never be ready. The only woman whose love you prized will be snatched from you,” Loki said, praying his brother would hear him and understand the price he would pay for loving Jane.

And of course he didn’t. Instead he viewed it as a taunt. “And will that satisfy you?”

_But what difference would it make if he did hear? If I had been warned would I have chosen not to love Meredith? No. No peace of mind, no sanity, no throne, no freedom would be worth sacrificing what we had. No matter how short it was._

“Satisfaction is not in my nature.”

“Surrender is not in mine.”

 _True._ “Son of Odin.” Loki was surprised to find that he didn’t actually mean it as an insult.

“No. Not just of Odin. You think you alone were loved of Mother? You had her tricks, but I had her trust.”

The words lashed him and Loki felt the old pains and old hurts rise up and howl. No, never had he thought he was the only one loved by Mother. In fact there had been times he had doubted that love at all. Thor couldn’t possible understand what that was like, could he? And truly, Thor did not have to tell him who she trusted. Who anyone had ever trusted.

There was one woman who had placed her trust in Loki and she was dead and buried with their son. A memorial to fools who trusted him.

Angry, Loki lashed back. “Trust? Was that her last expression? Trust? When you let her die?”

“What help were you in your cell?”

“Who put me there? Who put me there!” _YOU! Odin! Even Frigga herself!_

Thor jumped forward, knocking him back. “You know damn well. You know damn well who!”

_Of course, my fault isn’t it? Blame me! It’s so easy!_

Thor raised his first to strike. Loki anticipated it, even looked forward to it and was surprised to see Thor stop.

“She wouldn’t want us to fight.”

Loki hesitated. _No. She wouldn’t. I rejected her when she was alive. But I can at least not reject her memory._ And then suddenly he chuckled. “Well she wouldn’t exactly be shocked.”

Thor gave a small laugh and the moment eased. For one brief second, Loki had a strange sense that he had been here before, or rather it reminded him of the past. Some half moment, long ago when he and Thor had snatched a similar moment from time, broken through the hurts and hates, and laughed together, sincerely and wholeheartedly. Loki ached.

“I wish I could trust you,” said Thor.

 _I wish you could as well,_ thought Loki, _but that is not our fate._ “Trust my rage.”


	29. Chapter 29

He hadn't planned on faking his death. Yes, he had fully intended to escape once Frigga had been avenged but the opportunity had been too perfect. He did not doubt that Thor would slay Malekith. He could trust Thor's rage as surely as Thor could trust his own. And besides that…he found that he suddenly did not wish to fight Thor anymore. And a fight there would certainly be if he escaped after Malekith was dealt with. He ached a little for the brother he might have had, also for the brother he himself might have been. Not that that stopped him from wanting to roll his eyes and ask Thor how many darn times he was going to fall for the same old tricks? Thor bought the act so unquestioningly. Still. Best not to complain.

He lay on the ground, the illusion of death creeping over him as Thor knelt at his side.

"Oh, you fool, you didn't listen!" said Thor, his voice shaken and emotional.

Well. This might well be the last time he ever spoke with Thor. And some part of him was uneasy. Had he always been fair to Thor? Yes, there were many wrongs he could lay at Thor's feet but the memory of the Destroyer and using it to deal what could easily have been a killing blow to Thor, flashed through his mind. He decided to give Thor closure, to tell him what the man would want to hear.

"I know… I'm a fool, I'm a fool."

"Stay with me, okay?"

Loki found that he actually felt…a little touched. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Shhh. It's okay It's all right. I'll tell Father what you did here today."

Whatever was feeling touched suddenly didn't anymore and Loki resisted another urge to roll his eyes. "I didn't do it for him." He took a lot of willpower not to snap it. And then he decided to end this because he wasn't sure he'd resist the temptation the next time and he strengthened the illusion and went still.

Thor let out a scream of anguish, so sincere and so agonized that it startled Loki. Did Thor truly grieve for him that deeply?

 _No matter. It will not last long,_  he told himself _,_   _Thor has many friends and the Lady Jane to comfort him. He will soon be glad that he no longer will need to worry about what I'll do next._

Still, as he heard Jane lead Thor away, he felt oddly, bitter moved.

He stayed still for a long time. Long after he heard the last strains of Thor's or Jane's voice in the distance. He lay there because he suddenly realized he had nowhere to go if he got up. His magic cloaked him from Heimdall. Thor believed him dead. He was free. Free to go wherever he wished.

And there was nowhere to go.

There was no place in the universe that he belonged. Not on Asgard. Not on Jotunheim. Not on Earth. He could leave the Nine Realms and start a new life. One spent forever looking over his shoulder, waiting for Thanos to find him. But even without the looming threat of Thanos…was there really any life out there for him either? Again and again he had been denied what he wanted. Why would the future be any different?

And still, Thor's agonized cry kept ringing in his memory.

Would Odin also cry for him?

And a memory swam to the surface of his mind.

_"I thought you dead."_

_"Did you mourn?"_

_"We all did. Our father…"_

Odin had cried once for him. Would he again?

Loki suddenly sat up. He knew where he wanted to go. It was reckless. Stupid enough to be one of Thor's plans but he suddenly needed to know. He needed to see Odin's face when the news was broken to him. And he needed to be the one to do it. He needed an answer to the question that he realized had been gnawing at him since he first learned the truth of his parentage. He needed an answer.  _Now._ Did Odin really care?

He cast a simple illusion, disguising himself as one of Frigga's many trusted guards, and then turned and started walking back to the secret pathway.

* * *

 

There was a stillness in the Palace. Was it mourning for the lost Queen? Worry for the crown prince? Loki did not know. But as he made his way to the throne room, the whole place felt like a mausoleum, empty and still.

Odin was alone. He was not sitting on the throne, but standing at the foot of the stairs leading up to it, apparently lost in thought. The sight of him almost made Loki stop dead in his tracks. The Allfather looked so old, as if he had aged centuries since Loki's sentencing.

"Forgive me, my liege. I've returned from the Dark World with news."

If Odin wondered why a palace guard had taken on such a responsibility, he did not ask it. Perhaps he was too worried or too broken to think or care.

"Thor?" was all the Allfather asked.

Of course his first thought had been for Thor. He could not have asked after them both?

"There was no sign of Thor, or the weapon, but…" Loki hesitated. What if Odin showed no grief?

Odin turned fully to him now. "What?" The worry was clear in his voice and this gave Loki courage to continue.

"We found a body."

There was a flicker of…something, across Odin's face. Loki tried to snatch at it but it was gone. "Loki." It was all Odin said. Was there pain? Was their grief? Relief?  _Joy?_

 _GIVE ME MORE!_ Loki wanted to thunder,  _Show me!_

But there was no more. Odin's face became steely and unreadable. There were no tears. There was no grief. The Allfather turned his back and took a step up the stairs towards the throne.

That's all he had to say? He had just been told Loki was dead and he could not even show one speck of emotion? Thor's scream played yet again through Loki's head, fury erupted, he raised his hand, and a bolt of magic energy shot from it, slamming into Odin who collapsed.

Loki sunk onto the steps and stared at the Allfather. They had been here before, hadn't they? The day Odin had had to tell Loki that he was not of Asgard. Odin had lay collapsed on the stairs and Loki had sat beside him. Only this time Loki did not call out for help. Instead, he sat and thought.

The King was alive and would wake up.  _Unless…_

Why not?

Loki had nowhere to go. So why not claim what he had long since lost all desire for? Rule in Odin's place? He had been told he was born for a throne and so now a throne he would take. At least then he would have a purpose and a goal. Prepare the Nine Realms for the war that was coming.

Odin could be placed into Odin's Sleep. A magically induced one that would not lift until he, Loki, was ready to lift it. He owed the man no loyalty. Hadn't Odin just shown him that?

No one would know. Not Heimdall. Not Thor. Loki had played so many parts and told so many lies. He could take on another one. He could be the Allfather.

He would be king.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out there be massive Guardians of the Galaxy 2 spoilers. Technically it's been out a while now. Still. I thought I would give one final warning about it :-)

Loki placed Odin in the Sleep Chamber, used magic to ensure he would not wake, and sealed the door so no one but himself could open it. And then he shifted his shape once more.

As Odin he returned to the throne room. As Odin he mounted the stairs. And as Odin he sat down on the throne and looked out over the room.

How long, and desolate a road it had been. But here he was: king of Asgard. He never would have imagined that it would come about this way. But he was determined that he prove himself a worthy king.

The one concern he had was Thor. And that concern was quickly lifted when Thor came and gave up all claim to the throne.

"Loki for all his grave imbalance understood rule as I know I never will. The brutality, the sacrifice… It changes you. I'd rather be a good man than a great King," Thor said.

Looking down at him from the throne, Loki was surprised. How much they had both changed in only a few months.

"Is this my son I hear? Or the woman he loves?" he had asked. Had Jane really changed Thor so much? Had Meredith changed him, Loki, as much?

"When you speak, do I never hear Mother's voice?" Thor had shot back. And Loki wanted to grin.  _If I really was Odin, that would have been nicely played indeed. You're learning._ Thor continued: "This is not for Jane, Father. She does not know what I came here to say. Now forbid me to see her or say she can rule at my side, it changes nothing."

"One son who wanted the Throne too much, another who will not take it. Is this my legacy?"

"Loki died with honour. I shall try to live the same. Is that not legacy enough?"

Loki stared at him. He couldn't tell Thor how much those words meant to him but he gave him a silent thanks, and nodded. When Thor offered up the hammer, Loki would not take it. "It belongs to you. If you are worthy of it." And he knew Thor was truly worthy of it and for once, felt no resentment over it.

"I shall try to be," said Thor.

Loki had to remember he had a part to play. He could not let Thor suspect, even for a moment, that he was not truly Odin. "I cannot give you my blessing, nor can I wish you good fortune."

"I know."

But he found himself yearning to give Thor some encouragement nonetheless. "If I were proud of the man my son had become, even that I could not say, I would speak only from my heart. Go, my son."

"Thank you father."

Thor stood, turned, and walked away.

Left alone, Loki allowed a moment of weakness and dissolved the illusion.

"No. Thank you," he said to the empty room. And he meant it.

For the first time in centuries, he felt completely at peace with Thor.

* * *

**One Year Later**

Yondu sat in the cell and never in his entire life had he felt so close to giving up. Not while a slave. Not when he had slowly begun to realize what was happening to all those kids. Not when the Ravagers had thrown him out. Not even when he'd confronted Stakar.

But half his crew had turned on him and the other half had died for their loyalty. And he knew deep down that this was only justice. This was the punishment he deserved for breaking the code. He wasn't going to fight it. He wasn't even going to complain. He deserved this. Every man who'd been shot out that airlock, their blood was on his hands and he had to pay for that.

Rocket was pacing up and down, clearly not ready to give up without a fight. But Yondu didn't have any fight left in him.

The only thing he regretted was that he wouldn't get to see Peter one more time. But at least he wouldn't have to worry about him. Peter had found a family. And hey, he'd saved the galaxy too. Gotta be proud of him for that. The boy would do okay. That's what was important.

"Where's Quill?" he asked, wistfully, wanting one final scrap of news to take with him to the end.

"Off with his old man," said Rocket, clearly uninterested.

Yondu frowned, worried. "Loki?" How on earth had that come about? How had Loki found  _out_? It had been ages since Yondu had thought of the man, he was surprised the name was still rattling around up there in his head. He hoped Peter was safe. If Loki had found out about him and still viewed him as a threat to him inheriting the throne…

"Nah. Some idiot named Ego. It's the day for dumb ass names."

" _Ego?_ " For one minute Yondu was completely confused and then it made terrible ugly sense.

The Guardians of the Galaxy were famous. People talked about them. People talked about Peter. The Terran who had held an infinity stone and not died. The Terran who had come from Ravagers. Everyone had heard of him. Why wouldn't Ego? Ego would have heard that he'd grown up on Yondu's ship and he'd make assumptions. So many kids, Ego wouldn't be shocked to learn he'd forgotten about one or two. Some of the kids Yondu had delivered to him had even been snatched off of Terra. And Ego was full of himself enough to think that Peter, with all he'd done, would have to be his kid, no question.

The mistake was so obvious. So clear. And Peter wouldn't know how much danger he was in until it was too late.

Yondu sat up straight. The fight was back. He was going to get out of this cell and save Peter if it killed him.


	31. Chapter 31

Yondu was not known for his patience. And trying to get the Twig to actually follow instructions, while feeling that every minute that slipped by was putting Peter more and more in danger, was testing his limited supply to a degree that practically guaranteed someone was going to end up dead.

He hadn't expected Kraglin's help. But it made things much simpler. Not just with Groot. Of course that helped too (he thought if he had had to sit back while the Twig brought much more piece of crap he'd have gone crazy) but after the escape as well. He'd been worried about that. Peter needed help now but at the same time, Ego was a freakin' planet. How were they ever going to get away from that? They would need backup.

As the small ship detached from the exploding Ravager vessel, Yondu turned to Kraglin. "The transport's ready like I asked?"

"Yes captain."

"Good."

"Hey! Where are you going?" asked Rocket, noticing Yondu walking off in the direction opposite of the bridge. "We gotta go save Quill! I saw your face when I mentioned Ego's name."

"Yeah and that's where you and Kraglin are going to head."

"And what about you?" asked Rocket, incensed. "You're just going to ditch Quill?"

Yondu whirled around, a sharp whistle bringing his arrow out and pointing dangerously at Rocket. "You don't know what you're talking about. And you also don't know Ego like I do. Your job is to buy Quill as much time as you possibly can. Keep him and Ego from being alone together. Or…" He hesitated not wanting to say it. "If it's too late, try to keep as many of your friends alive as you can. But you're not going to be able to escape Ego. Not on your own. We need help. And that's what I'm going to go get."

He turned and started walking off towards the transport ship.

"What kind of help are you getting?" Rocket yelled at him.

"Whatever help I can extort from a prince."

* * *

Loki sat on the throne and meditated. It had been a difficult year. He was preparing for a war he could not tell anyone was coming. He knew a few of his subjects wondered at some of Odin's recent decisions: the stockpiling of weapons, the increasing recruitment for the army. Asgard had always been a warrior society but he had stepped it up a notch. He encouraged the interpretation that it was a reaction to the loss of Frigga. The palace itself had been invaded and the King would not stand by and allow it to happen a second time. It was an explanation that made sense, even if it wasn't right.

In his chamber, sealed away from everyone, the real Odin continued to sleep. Down on Midgard Thor continued to stay with his friends and the Lady Jane and from what Heimdall reported, was doing well. He was happy. He didn't come back to visit. He probably thought Odin wouldn't want to see him. Loki was glad. It was much easier that way.

When first starting his rule, he'd been worried that the Warriors Three or Sif might suspect something wasoff, but they hadn't. No one did.

He had chosen a very lonely and isolated path. But then, how was that any different from every other path he ever had taken, except for those few precious months he had spent with Meredith? It seemed that brief period, frozen in time, would have to suffice him for the rest of his life.

Today, he was contemplating the gnarly question of searching for military allies outside of the Nine Realms. It would not be a popular decision. The people of the Nine Realms preferred, for the most part, not to deal with worlds and people outside. But more allies against Thanos could prove vital, if he could present it in a way that would not alienate too many people at home.

He wished he knew how much time they had and that he had some idea of when Thanos would arrive. Did he have years? Months? Days? Hours? Always he lived in perpetual anticipation. The only thing he knew for sure was that Thanos would come. And when he did, it would be devastating. He wasn't sure it was even possible to defeat him. But he would try just the same.

There were footsteps and Sif entered the throne room.

She knelt.

"Rise."

Sif straightened. Her expression was troubled. She looked as if she didn't relish what she had to say.

"We've apprehended a man trying to enter the palace," she began.

Loki blinked, nonplussed. "Indeed?"

"Yes. He's-…well he says he wants to see Loki." She sounded almost apologetic. He wasn't surprised. No one ever mentioned Loki's name around him.

Loki tried to keep his expression neutral. Was it possible this man had an idea that the Odin who currently sat on the throne was a fraud? But how?

"Did he say anything else?"

She shook her head. "No. But when he was informed Loki was dead he seemed shocked…and he asked to see you instead."

This sounded dangerous. Should he agree to meet with the man? Could he afford not to if the man had discovered his secret?

"Did he give a name?"

"Yondu Udonta? I don't remember Loki ever mentioning him."

Yondu Udonta… Yondu Udonta…that name rang a bell. How did he know that name?

And suddenly he recalled. It was a moment of his life that he seldom allowed himself to dwell on. It was too painful. Even after all these years, just hearing that name again, still rubbed the wound raw.

The man he'd sent for Peter. The man who'd told him about Peter's death. But why was he here? How could he possibly know that Loki was masquerading as Odin? And if he didn't know, what did he want?

"Send him in."

Sif nodded and left.

Loki steeled himself. He could show no emotion, no weakness when he looked at this man again. He could not give himself away now. Perhaps it would have been wiser to send Udonta away. But curiosity, and perhaps a perverse need to scratch at the wound, left him wanting to see the man again and find out what he wanted.

Sif returned a few minutes later, with a palace guard and Yondu.

Loki made Odin's voice as intimidating as possible as he asked: "What is it you wanted with my son?"

Yondu looked uncertain. "Honestly? I was going to blackmail him."

Loki blinked. "What?" He hadn't been expecting that.

"He blackmailed me once into doing something I didn't want to do at the time. Seemed only fair. I need help. I need it badly and I need it now. And I knew something about your son that I thought he might not want you to find out about."

"Indeed?"

"Yeah. And now I'm hoping you miss your son an awful lot and will do whatever you can for his memory."

"I'm afraid you've rather lost me."

"See, what I need help with, is saving your grandson."

There was a long silence. Sif had started, and even the ever so professional palace guard's face showed surprise. But Loki felt nothing but fury. Whatever this man was up to, the lie that Peter was alive, would cost him dear.

"You must think me a fool," he said icily. He knew he wasn't quite responding in the tone and style that Odin would, but he was too angry. "Loki told me of his son." This made Sif start again. "And I know the boy is dead."

Yondu looked extremely uncomfortable. "He told you?"

"Of course he told me."

"Well then I don't see why he hired me in the first place, cause I always assumed it was to keep you from ever finding out. As I heard it, Asgardians aren't allowed to have kids with Terrans. Then when I heard how much he wanted to be king I figured he wanted to take care of the kid, permanent like, so you'd never find out about him."

"You thought he…wanted to kill him?" asked Loki, choosing his words carefully because he could feel himself on the edge of exploding.

"From what I heard of Loki, didn't sound that impossible. So I told him the kid was dead."

"But…" He felt the world drop out from under him, as a possibility both horrible and wonderful flashed through his mind. "He's not?"

"No. But if you don't help me rescue him, he very well could be."

_Don't believe it yet. It could be a lie, and if it is? Could you bear to lose Peter all over again?_

"Leave us!" Loki commanded.

Sif and the guard exchanged looks and then nodded. Loki waited until they had exited the throne room and the door shut behind them. Then he stood and descended the stairs. He approached Yondu, keeping his expression as neutral as possible.

And then he lashed out. Letting the Odin illusion fade, he grabbed Yondu by the throat, and unsheathed one of his daggers, bringing it up to man's eye level.

Yondu grabbed at his wrist but then stilled as he took in the sight of Loki.

"You're lying," Loki hissed. "My son is  _dead_."

"No. He ain't," said Yondu quietly.

"I don't believe you."

"Then he is going to be dead."

There was a long, deadly silence.

"I should kill you," said Loki at last.

"Yeah, and if you do, Peter's dead again. Cause you need me to find him. Just like I need you to rescue him. And if you find I'm lying to you, you can kill me then."

Loki let go. "And if I find you're telling me the truth…I might kill you anyways."


	32. Chapter 32

"You left the most wonderful, woman ever, to die alone!" There was his father, standing in front of him, just like he had always dreamed of as a kid, but Peter found that he couldn't just accept it. He couldn't pretend that everything was okay.

Ego in turn, sighed internally. He wished he could remember the boy's mother. It would make it so much easier. But there had been so very many. Though he obviously couldn't say that aloud. Peter didn't understand yet. But if Peter had the power, he would understand. He would see the Great Expansion and he would know how blessed he truly was. And he must be capable. He had held an Infinity Stone on his own, hadn't he?

Still, until he knew, absolutely, if Peter was capable, it was best to tread carefully. He never liked things to get 'messy' with his offspring. Even all the ones who had disappointed him had been allowed to die peacefully in their sleep.

"I didn't want to leave your mother Peter. But if I don't return regularly to my planet this form will wither and perish."

"So why didn't you come back? Why did you send Yondu, a criminal of all people to fetch me?"

It was time to change the topic. It was time to  _find out_.

"Peter, Peter, there's so much that you don't understand! I will explain it all to you. But first you have to realize that you're special. Being my son, comes with a legacy. The light of this planet is your light as well."

"What?"

"You are capable of the same feats of wonder that I am. Close your eyes Peter, hold out your hands and concentrate. Reach deep inside of yourself, reach deep within the planet. Feel the light at the center. Draw on that light! I know you can."

Peter closed his eyes and concentrated. Nothing. There was nothing.

"Concentrate!"

Ego sounded so desperate, so eager. It meant a lot to him. And no matter how angry Peter felt about Ego sending Yondu, there was still that part of him that yearned for his father and that remembered all the stories his mom had ever told him about his wonderful father from the stars. Of course everyone had thought she was crazy. She had had a tumor in her brain for most of his life.

Once he'd asked his grandfather about his dad. It was about a year before Meredith had died. Peter had heard enough people talking acidly about Meredith's 'spaceman' husband to know that his father wasn't the wonderful adventurer he'd believed when he was very little.

"I don't know Peter," his grandfather had admitted. "That's the honest truth. I'm not going to lie to you, because you've been through enough that you deserve the truth. I don't know who your father is. Your mother never told me. He was in both of your lives for a while I think. And then he upped and never came back. Your mother was pretty…sad. But she had you and that gave her all the comfort she needed. Your mom loves you Peter. And I love you. Whoever your father was…it doesn't matter. He didn't deserve you."

Peter didn't know how to say at that age, that it didn't matter whether his dad deserved him or not, Peter wanted him nonetheless.

He could hear Ego sigh heavily. "It doesn't matter."

No! He could do this. He had to be able to. Whatever it was Ego was hoping for. He dug down deeper and….to his complete surprise…he found something. He wasn't sure what it was. It was as if, hidden away in some corner of his being, there was a force he had had all along but never known was there. He didn't know if this was what Ego had been talking about. After all, he didn't exactly sense anything from the planet itself, this force was most definitely from inside himself, but he didn't care. He'd give it a shot…whatever  _it_  was.

With a gigantic tug of willpower, he dragged the power from its hiding place.

Ego gave a yell of delight and Peter opened his eyes.

Forming out from his fingertips, were crystals of ice. They latched onto one another, and slowly a ball of ice began to form between his hands, suspended in midair.

Ego looked a little closer. Ice wasn't what he'd expected, but perhaps Peter had just advanced already to the next step: creating actual objects from his mind. "Where you thinking of ice?"

Peter didn't allow himself to hesitate. "Yep. Specifically a nice cool, iced drink. Something with a little kick if you know what I mean."

Ego laughed. "I know exactly what you mean. And I have exactly that in the next room. Come! Let us celebrate! Because for the first time ever, I am not alone in the universe!"

* * *

 

"What kind of ship is this?" asked Yondu, surveying the bridge.

"Svartalfheim. It was captured about a year ago. It's old but incredibly strong with a great deal of weaponry," replied Loki, once again disguised as Odin. "Do you think you'll be able to make it ready in time to take us where we need to go?"

Yondu examined the control panel. "Half an hour should be enough."

"Good." Loki turned to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"To get something we need…and to take care of unfinished business."

Loki hurried. He didn't want to do this. He wanted to help Yondu. He wanted to get going. He wanted desperately to find Peter. He still felt dizzy every time he considered that his son might actually be alive.

But he had to do this. He owed it to Frigga. And perhaps…he actually owed it Odin as well.

He made his way quickly to the Sleep Chamber, broke the magical seal and entered. Once inside he dropped the illusion and went and stood over the Allfather.

For several minutes he just stood there, finding words suddenly impossible. How could you speak and hoped to be understood after centuries of misunderstanding?

He began slowly. "I know you can hear me. I suppose you hate me now. I've trapped you in that sleep. And I would have kept you trapped there. Only I found out my son's alive. At least, he might be. If it's all a lie, I can't say what I'll do. But I promise the destruction will be far from the Nine Realms. And if he is alive? Will he hate me? Hate me for failing him? Hate me for breaking my promise?"

Loki ran a hand through his hair. "I keep remembering what you said at my sentencing. 'If I had not taken you in you would not be here now to hate me.' If Peter hates me, perhaps its justice. Or maybe not. I don't know anymore. I was so angry at you. I  _hated_ you. But-"

He turned away and paced. "I had a memory the other day. One of those memories that comes from out of the past that you haven't thought about in years. Centuries in this case. I was in my-, well your bedroom. And I was standing on the balcony, looking out over the hills. And I remembered a day, many, many years ago, when Thor and I were both boys. And you invited us to go riding with you the next day to see the country."

Loki stopped pacing and looked back down at Odin. "But Thor woke up sick and Frigga said he couldn't go. I thought you'd call the whole thing off. Or say we had to wait until he was better. But you didn't. Instead, you asked me if I'd like to ride up on your horse with you. And of course I said yes. Riding up there, on top of Sleipnir, I felt so close to you. We galloped out across the country and up into the hills. You didn't say very much until we got there, and then you started talking to me about Asgard, about the people, and their trades and their lives. You talked about the decisions that had to be made as a king. You made it sound so hard. But you also made it sound like something I could do. And I actually believed you. But more importantly, I felt so close to you. Because you weren't just telling me about a life I could have. You were telling me about  _your_ life. And I felt loved. It's strange. When I was so busy hating you…I never remembered that day."

There was a long, sad, silence.

"I'm sorry." He let that hang in the air, because despite what he had to say next, he wanted Odin to know that he really did mean that. "I am. But you were wrong too. Many times. Because they weren't imagined slights. I didn't make up these things in my head that never happened. I didn't imagine trying desperately to live up to standards that I could never meet. You told me I could be king. And then chose Thor. And you never told me why. You made it seem like Thor was better. That you preferred him over me. And you never saw how much pain I was in. And we're both to blame for that. I tried so hard not to let anyone see. Because I already felt weak. I didn't want to seem any weaker.

"You were to blame for a lot. Not least of which believing your own lie. That I could be king. Because I realize now, you really did believe that didn't you? You saw a future where Thor sat on the throne of Asgard. And I sat on the throne of Jotunheim. And there was peace."

Loki gave a small, empty laugh. "I've been to Jotunheim. I met their king. I met their people. I've read about their customs and their values. They would  _never_  have accepted me, a  _runt_ , raised in the court of  _Asgard_  as their ruler. You would have had to take it by force, and I would have had to keep it by force. And you were a blind  _fool_  to think it could be otherwise. And yet…well. I've had a lot of time this past year: to think and gain a little perspective. I like to think Mother would be just a little proud of me for that.

"Back, when you first attempted to crown Thor, you didn't see how unsuitable he was at the time. How arrogant and short-tempered he could be. You were blind to how young he still was in so many ways. But you were blind because…you loved him. Is that the same reason you were blind enough to see me on the throne of Jotunheim?"

Loki stared down at Odin and was surprised to see a tear slip down the old man's face. Loki took his hand.

"I think we've both been blind fools." He smiled a little.

"There are some things you should see. I'm going to show them to you and once they're done, you'll wake up and I'll be gone. You'll see there's a war coming. A terrible war that I don't know if we can survive let alone win. But you'll also meet my family. My wife and my son…Frigga would have loved Meredith. I think you might have too if you'd have gotten past the fact she was from Midgard. I want you to meet her, and when you wake I want you to remember her. And I want you to keep her in mind when you decide what to do about Thor and his Lady Jane.

"I know you're tired. I know you've lost the woman you loved. And I know how painful that is. I know you want to lay down your crown and give up. I know that exhaustion. I have lived with it for years. But rule. Continue, continue for Thor and let him stay with his beloved. She will make him a better man, a better husband, a better father, and one day, because he knew her, he will be a better king."

Loki reached out his hand and laid it on Odin's forehead. There was a glow of light and Odin's eyes began to shift rapidly back and forth behind their lids as he began to dream of memories from the past.

"I have to go now. I give you my word, on my mother's memory, I will cause no more trouble within the Nine Realms. I am going to take something from the vaults, but I take it only to help me save my son. Please, do not send anyone to try to stop me. If ever you loved me, let me go." He kissed Odin on the forehead. "Goodbye…father."

* * *

Hogun and Volstagg hurried into the throne room, only to be met by Sif and Fandral.

"Where is the Allfather?" demanded Hogun.

"I don't know. We were just looking for him," said Sif. "One of the palace guards has reported that the Winter Casket is missing from the vault."

"One of the Svartalfheim ships has taken off. That man who came looking for Loki was last seen onboard it."

"What?" demanded Fandral. "I saw Odin go on board a Svartalfheim ship with the man."

"You think that man could have captured the Allfather?" asked Sif.

"I don't know. But the ship and the Casket can't be a coincidence. We need to go after it!" declared Hogun. The four began to move.

"Stop!"

They turned.

The Allfather stood in the doorway. He looked…weary. And somehow different from when they had last seen him in a way none could quite describe.

"Allfather?" Sif hurried over to him. "Are you all right? What's happened?"

Odin sighed. "It is not me on board that ship with the Casket. It is Loki."

"What?" exclaimed Volstagg. "But Loki is dead."

"Loki has been ruling Asgard, disguised as me, for the past year while I slept."

"Loki? If he has the Casket, we must stop him! We'll go at once-" began Sif.

"No. Let him go."

"Allfather?"

"Let him go." Odin smiled a little, and then grew serious once more. "Instead, tell Heimdall that I will take a few hours to gather myself, and then I will need to speak with Thor."

"Of course," said Sif, "we'll send for Thor at once."

"No." Odin shook his head. "I will go down to Midgard to speak with him. It is time, I think, that I met my sons on their own terms."


	33. Chapter 33

Loki sat back and watched as Yondu consulted the controls. It was a frosty silence in the ship. Loki may have made peace with Odin but he was not feeling up to making peace with the man who'd lied to him about his son.

"Why did you do it?" he snapped suddenly.

Yondu glanced over. "What?"

"Why did you tell me Peter was dead?" Yondu opened his mouth but Loki cut in. "I know what you said. You thought I wanted the throne, and what, wanted to put Peter out of the way? But how exactly did you get such an idea?"

Yondu scratched his head. "I talked to your friends."

"What friends?"

Yondu shrugged. "Don't remember their names now. You'd come with them to the planet. They were Asgardians."

Loki blinked at him for a minute and then gave a shout of humorless laughter. "The Warriors Three? No wonder you thought me capable of wanting to murder my own son, if you asked them their opinion of me."

Yondu frowned. "Not friends of yours then?"

"No," said Loki flatly.

There was a long silence. "I made a lot of mistakes," said Yondu. "Cause I was young, greedy, and stupid. I thought protecting Peter would kind of make up for them. So I want to know, if you didn't want to kill the boy, what did you want with him?"

"I was going to keep a promise."

* * *

 "Can't you see it?" Ego spread his arms out, showing his beautiful vision of life. His reason for being. The meaning that had kept him going through centuries of isolation. "My Great Expansion.  _Our_  Great Expansion. Because this is for us Peter. This is our  _purpose_!"

"Umm…" Peter was staring wide-eyed at the display around him, a dawning realization that this was sounding an awful lot like a master evil plan.

"And it is beautiful!" Ego turned to him. "Can't you see it!" He met Peter's eyes and then frowned. "Can't you see it?"

"Yeah," said Peter, gesturing to the display. "Great. Beautiful. Um, so about the whole taking over the entire universe part of it…"

"No! No can't you  _see_  it?" Ego insisted.

Peter wasn't sure exactly what the man expected.

Ego walked over to him, grabbed his hand, and frowned as if in deep concentration. He looked so intent that Peter expected  _something_  to happen, but there was nothing.

Suddenly Ego let go of Peter's hand and stumbled backward. "I don't understand."

"That makes two of us." The instinct of self-preservation which had kept Peter alive all these years was prompting him to slowly back up, away from Ego. Something was wrong here. Very wrong.

"But you have the power! I saw it! You're a Celestial." Ego was pacing up and down now. He ran a hand through his hair. There was a glint in his eye which Peter could almost have described as deranged. He stopped and whirled around on Peter. "Were you thinking of  _ice_?"

The question seemed so random, and Peter was so focused on the present, that at first he had no idea what Ego was talking about. "Ice?"

"Yes! When you summoned the ice, is that what you were thinking of?"

"Well I…"

Ego let out a roar of fury. A bolt of energy, shot out suddenly from the ground and knocked Peter backwards against a pillar.

"You gave me hope!" Ego yelled. "You let me think you were the one! The one I've been waiting for!"

"What are you talking about? I thought you were searching for me because I was your son!"

"I've had thousands of sons! I thought you were special! But you're not. You're just another disappointment. And you, you won't get the quiet death the others got."

And then everything happened at once. The doors flew back at one end and he saw Gamora and the others, including, to his surprise, Nebula. But there wasn't time to wonder how she'd gotten there because crashing through the other end of the hall came Rocket on a small Ravager transport ship.

What on earth was going on?

* * *

 

"We're almost there," said Yondu, checking the navigational system.

Loki nodded. "Good." He unwrapped a cloak from around the Winter Casket.

"What's that?"

"Winter." Loki picked it up. He felt the ice and the cold, and he embraced it, letting it crawl up his skin, turning it blue.

If a monster was what he must become to save Peter, then a monster he would be.

* * *

Peter hadn't entirely understood the end's and out's of Ego's galaxy destroying plan, but he knew one thing. It meant the end of the galaxy. If Ego was allowed to live, eventually he'd figure out a way to make that happen. Old Peter would have hightailed it out of there and never looked back. But he couldn't be old Peter anymore. He was a Guardian of the Galaxy, and the Guardians stayed and fought.

They plunged down into the center of the planet. And like they always did, they came up with a plan. A messy one. But it was a plan. It hadn't counted on the Sovereign fleet of course. That complicated matters. And so they'd had to make a new plan. An even messier one. One that relied on Baby Groot actually following orders for once. But you had to roll with the punches and work with what you've got.

He actually had thought they stood a chance.

But that delusion didn't last long. Mantis bought them time but not enough. Ego was too strong. Everywhere Peter turned now there was something else flying at him, seconds away from killing him: Ego's energy bolts, rocks, lava. Rocket was putting up a fight beside him. The two just desperately trying to buy time for Groot, as the others scrambled to reach the escape ship.

Maybe old Peter had had a point.

_No._

Even if they didn't get out of this alive, if Groot made it, it would have been worth it. It had to be worth it. He had to believe that. It's what his mom would have believed, wasn't it?

He'd regret that the last real conversation he and Gamora had had was a fight. But at the end of the day what did that really matter? They both knew the truth. They both knew there was that unspoken thing.

Peter turned a split-second too late and a large boulder knocked him to the ground. Before he could rise, a second had joined it, knocking the air out of him, stunning him.

And he knew.

Instinctively he knew this was it. He couldn't get up in time. He could hear Rocket yell. Above him, he could see Gamora and Nebula struggling, lava preventing them from climbing further.

He saw Ego raise a hand, a shard of energy shooting out from it, flying towards him.

This was it. This was the end.

There was a whoosh of air. The sound of an engine.

_Bang._

The energy bolt exploded feet away from him.

A large, hulking, heavily plated ship had plummeted into the chasm.

Lasers began shooting all around, targeting Ego, the energy bolts, everything that was attacking.

Peter struggled to his feet. Above he could see the lava recede, and the two women continue their climb up.

A cargo door in the side of the ship opened, and for one brief instant a man stood on the edge and then he leaped down, landing on one knee, feet away from Ego's human form.

The man was dressed in green and leather, and his skin seemed to be a deep, intense blue. And he was holding something.

Maybe Peter had died. After all, what other explanation could there be as to why there was suddenly a freakin'  _blizzard_  ramming itself right at Ego.

Peter whirled around, shooting at the rocks that were pinning down Rocket, before turning his guns backs towards Ego.

But he could barely make him out. The blizzard was picking up, whisking up rocks and slamming them towards Ego. The Celestial launched himself at the mystery man, only for the man to vanish and appear behind him.

Peter turned back towards Rocket and saw with a leap of relief, Groot. Rocket gave him a thumbs up.

"Get out of here!" Peter yelled. "Get Groot to safety!"

"Quill!" a voice yelled over the increasing volume of the fight between Ego and the other man.

Peter turned. The ship was hovering and in the open cargo door stood Yondu. The ship had lowered further and was now feet away from one of the cliff edges.

Bursting into a run, Peter took a flying leap and landed, with a painful thud, right on the edge of ship. Yondu pulled him up, and then slammed the cargo door shut and hurried to the controls.

"Yondu?! What are you doing here?"

"Looking after you!"

The ship shuddered as flying rock hit it. Peter stumbled to one of the seats next to Yondu's.

"Guess I should be glad I was a skinny kid, otherwise you would've delivered me to this maniac," he muttered.

"You still reckon that's the reason I kept you around you idiot?" Yondu tilted the controls up and the ship shot up through the chasm towards daylight.

"That's what you told me you old doofus."

"I've always wanted to keep you safe."

"You said you were gonna eat me."

"That was being funny."

"Not to me."

They broke out into the open air and zoomed up. The other ship was already flying off and they followed it, out into space.


	34. Chapter 34

Loki sensed the explosion more than felt it. He didn’t know what caused it but he thanked his lucky stars nonetheless. Never had he fought an opponent like Ego. He needed all the magic from himself and the Casket to even keep pace with him and as it stood he knew he was on borrowed time. Sooner or later Ego was going to win. Until the explosion.

Ego seemed desperate to get away suddenly and that was all Loki needed in order to know he had to make sure Ego stayed put. He threw all the power of ice the Casket could wield. For one desperate minute Ego struggled against it and then he turned to dust and dissolved beneath it.

The entire planet was falling to pieces now.

Loki looked around.

He wasn’t going to end here. Not without seeing Peter. Not without explaining to him how desperately he had wanted to me there for him and why he never had.

Once more he tapped into the power. Freezing blizzard winds whipped around him, carrying him up, out of the chasm and beyond. Beneath him the ground exploded in fire and light and he was carried up into the coldness of space

He was reminded vividly of falling into the oblivion. But this time, he fought for life.

A ship hovered into view. He felt a pull as its gravity beam latched onto him and began to pull him in towards an open cargo bay airlock, and he let the winds from the Casket die.

Even with his Jotun blood, he was freezing once he landed on the ship. He shoved the Casket away, and let his skin color return to normal, shivers running through his whole body and his fingers numb.

He was still shaking a little when a group of people entered the cargo bay.  They barely spared him a glance though. Through a porthole he could see the Svartalfheim ship lining up with a large pair of cargo doors.

A green woman went over to a set of controls.

There was a rumble as the two ships connected and then she pressed a button and the doors slid open.

Yondu entered, followed by-

“Peter!” The green woman exclaimed. She hugged the man that had followed Yondu into the cargo bay.

And for the first time in years, Loki thought what a wonderful universe it really was.

 _Peter has Meredith’s smile_. It was the first thought that occurred to him. It was a beautiful, wonderful thought. Peter was wonderful. And he was smiling that smile down at that woman in his arms. Loki knew that smile so well. It was the one Meredith had given him the first day they met. It was the one she’d given him a thousand times.

His son was standing there. He was alive. And he was perfect.

Loki blinked. He wasn’t shivering anymore. He was rooted to the spot, staring. This was a dream. A dream he never wanted to wake from. If he could live the rest of his life, frozen in this one moment, he would be content.

Peter and the woman shared one final glance that spoke volumes and then let go of each other.

“Woot! We did it!” Peter grinned around to everyone at large. “What say we get out of here and head someplace with a good strong drink?”

“Sounds good to me,” said a voice that appeared to be coming out of a talking raccoon much to Loki’s bemusement. There was also a plant on its shoulder who was looking at Loki with interest. It opened its mouth and said,

“I am Groot?”

“Yeah, kind of wondering about that myself,” said the raccoon. “Who’s our hitchhiker here? Friend of yours, Yondu?”

Yondu scratched his head and looked distinctly uncomfortable but Loki didn’t notice. For the first time he had actually looked at the others in the room and he had noticed someone. Someone who didn’t belong here. Someone he was so shocked to see standing there that at first his brain refused to recognize her.

But then he did.

And suddenly he wasn’t rooted to the spot anymore. Instead he was across the room, one of his daggers out in the flash of an eye, and ramming Nebula back against a wall, dagger to her throat.

“What are you doing here?” he hissed. She wasn’t going to take him back to Thanos. And she wasn’t going to take Peter from him.

Nebula stared at him in shock. “You!”

“What are you doing here?”

“Let her go!” The green woman hadn’t been far behind him, and her gun was now pointed at the back of his head.

“Okay, everyone just calm down,” said Peter. “I for one am kind of exhausted. We _just_ had a fight. Can’t we all just put down our weapons and talk this out? Whatever this is? Cause I gotta admit, I’m a bit confused. How did Nebula end up here?”

The woman didn’t answer. Instead she said to Loki, “You hurt her, I shoot you. Understand?”

“Then I’ll have died protecting Peter and it will be worth it,” snapped Loki.

The raccoon shot Peter a questioning look, who just shrugged.

Loki focused again on Nebula. “One last time, why did Thanos send you here?”

“He didn’t,” said Nebula.

“You expect me to believe that?”

“I came here to kill my sister, Gamora” Nebula snapped, indicating the green woman.

“Oh.” Loki shrugged. “Right. Well that I buy.” He lowered the dagger.

There was a beat and then Gamora lowered her weapon.

“Um, okay that was weird,” said Peter.

“Seriously though,” said the raccoon, turning to Peter, “who is this guy?”

“How should I know?”

“Uh because he just wanted to kill the crazy blue chick for you?”

“That doesn’t mean I know him!”

“I am Groot!”

“Well of course I know I could just ask him myself,” said the raccoon, rolling his eyes. He turned to Loki. “Who are you?”

Everyone was suddenly staring at him and Loki found that for the first time in his life, he couldn’t find the words. How could he tell Peter? So many years he had wanted nothing more than his son…and what if now his son loathed him?

He turned to Yondu. This was his fault after all. Make him say it.

Yondu met his eyes and sighed. “Oh come on!” Loki glared and Yondu winced. “Fine. Okay. This…Peter…is your father.”


	35. Chapter 35

There was a very long pause. And for Loki, it was an excruciatingly painful one. It was broken at last by the huge grey man with the red markings who was standing off to the side.

“Huh. I did not know humans typically had three genetic parents.”

“We don’t,” said Peter.

“No. No, no, no, no,” said the raccoon. “No way. We’ve already killed Peter’s dad today; we are not dealing with another one.”

“He’s not my dad.”

“Yes, he is. He just said he was.”

“I am Groot.”

“Okay, Yondu said he was.”

“How does it work?” the grey man asked, “Do they all lie together in one night? Or is over a series of nights?”

“Ew. Dude! Will you stop talking about my parents sleeping together!” snapped Peter, “And this guy, whoever he is, is not my father. I only have one father. He was a psycho manic, and we just killed him!”

“What?” Loki frowned and glanced between Peter and Yondu. “Ego? That planet that just blew up?”

“Yes.”

“Why would you think he was your father?”

“Because he was! He just told me so.”

For one brief moment a flicker of doubt flashed through Loki’s mind. This had been too good to be true after all. Peter, his Peter, was dead and gone.

 _No,_ his mind snapped at him, _he has her smile._

Loki turned to Yondu for explanation.

Maybe Yondu saw something in his expression, or maybe his just remembered Loki’s threat of what would happen if Yondu were lying. Either way he quickly held up his hands.

“Look I barely knew the guy. I don’t know what he was thinking. If I had to guess though, he heard about Peter and his friends. They’ve been making quite a stir in this galaxy lately, after holding an Infinity Stone and whatnot, and then when he found out Peter came from my crew as a kid he made some leaps. You knew I dealt in kids, they were all for Ego. You were the only time it was for someone else.”

“An Infinity Stone?” Once again Loki looked at Nebula. She held up her hands quickly as well.

“That is how Gamora and I first ran into these idiots. And yes, it involved Thanos. But I swear, the only reason I showed up on Ego was to kill her.”

He looked at her suspiciously but for now she didn’t seem a threat and for now there were more important matters. Loki turned back to Peter.

“I _am_ your father,” he said at last, steeling himself for whatever recriminations were thrown his way.

“No you’re not,” said Peter flatly.

Gamora was frowning. “Peter…-”

“No. We just blew my dad up.”

“I am Groot.”

“You’re right,” agreed the raccoon. “He’s not even old enough.”

“Actually, I’m several thousand years old,” put in Loki.

“I am Groot.”

“Eh, I wouldn’t say ‘remarkable’ well preserved. You can see it around the eyes.”

“I am Groot.”

“Doesn’t that thing ever say _anything_ else?” snapped Loki.

“Watch it bud,” snapped the raccoon.

“Look, I don’t know who you are,” said Peter to Loki, “but you are not my father. I just met my father, okay? And he wasn’t great. But he was my dad. And now he’s dead and I really am just tired and I want to go have a really long drink. Like one of those drinks that lasts for several days, you know what I mean?”

“He wasn’t your father!”

On the flight over Loki had imagined several ways this could go. Most of them involved Peter shouting at him, saying every single ugly thought that Loki had ever had about himself. Loki had been prepared to be hated. He hadn’t been prepared to be disbelieved.

“Yes he was. Look, he had all this weird power cause he was a planet, and I had it too, okay? Or something like it. I guess not as much as he wanted or something, I don’t know. It was weird. I made ice and he was happy about that and then he started on about that galaxy destroying plan of his and everything suddenly got a lot more violent-”

“Ice? Did you say ice?”

“Uh, yeah?”

Loki laughed. “You made ice because you _are_ my son.”

“What? You’re like a giant ice machine? I mean don’t get me wrong, those blizzards down on the planet were pretty cool, but I’ve already dealt with a planet today, if you’re going to say you’re like the essence of winter or something, I quit.”

“I’m a Jotun. A frost giant.”

“You don’t look like a giant,” said the grey man.

“Well that’s because I am more than extraordinarily small for my species. One of the reasons my biological father left me to die out in deadly winter. Which- why am I even talking to you? Look Peter, if you need proof…” Loki held up a hand and tapped into the power that was usually buried as far down as possible. Ice crystals slowly formed out from the tips of his fingers which started to turn blue. As the ice grew larger, so did the blue coloring, crawling up his arm, and quickly Loki shoved the power back down again. He couldn’t let Peter see him in his full, monstrous form. If he did, Peter would never be able to see anything else.

Peter blinked. He was remembering the ice he himself had created and suddenly he knew, deep down, that what Loki was saying was true. He turned to Yondu.

Yondu sighed. “I’m sorry boy. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you.”

Peter took a step back. “No.”

“Peter… I can explain-” began Loki.

“I don’t want you to explain. I don’t want you. I don’t want anything.” And with that Peter turned on his heel, and stormed out.

“Wait,” said the raccoon, turning to Yondu, “you’re saying Ego wasn’t Quill’s father?”

Yondu let out a long and exasperated sigh. “That’s right.”

“So we could have avoided that whole big mess?”

“Rocket,” snapped Gamora, “now is not the time.” And with that she went after Peter.


	36. Chapter 36

"Peter! Wait!" Gamora called, chasing Peter down one of the ship's many hallways.

"No!"

"You're being ridiculous."

"I know what you're going to say, and the answer is no."

"You have no idea what I'm going to say."

"Of course I do, because you already said it, when we had this exact same conversation back on that planet where you convinced me to get in that ship with Ego-, darn." Peter had walked himself into a dead end. With a sigh he turned to face Gamora.

"And I was right, wasn't I?"

"No! You weren't right! He turned out to be a psycho that wanted to kill me and apparently he wasn't even my father, so I went through it all for nothing."

"But I said if he was evil, we'd kill him, and we did. So I consider that a success."

"That is a very weird definition of success," snapped Peter, crossing his arms.

"Look, you went with Ego because you wanted to know your father, and isn't it good that it wasn't really him? And now you have your father, your real father, and maybe he's not going to try to kill us all. Wouldn't that be a better?"

"If this guy even is my father, I mean you gotta admit, two guys claiming to be my dad in as many days. It's kind of a coincidence."

"It would be if Yondu hadn't apparently brought this man and confirmed it himself that he's your father."

"I don't care! You were right, I've found my family, and I don't need more."

Gamora rolled her eyes. "We were in the middle of a fight Peter. And I was frustrated because I thought there was something wrong with that place. But just because you've found your family doesn't mean there's not room for more. I've found my family too. With you." There was a pause and then she hurried on to add: "And the others. My point is, I have a family here, but Nebula is my sister. And I have room for her too."

"The insane lady who tried to kill you about five times now."

"Your point being?"

"Nothing. Just checking we were talking about the same Nebula."

Gamora took a step closer to him. "Don't you think you should at least talk to him Peter?"

"No."

"Not even to find out why he left your mother?"

There was a long, poignant silence.

* * *

Loki stood on the bridge and stared out the window into space and the stars. He wanted to go find Peter but he was also afraid to. He had known fear in the past but he had seldom allowed it to control him. But here he was, afraid to face his son. He wished Thor was there to hit him over the head and call him an idiot.

He heard footsteps behind him and Nebula came up beside him.

"So," she said, "Quill is your son."

"So, you tried to kill your sister."

Nebula shrugged. "Yes. But I think we're good now. You and your brother?"

Loki shrugged. "Same. Tried it. Didn't work out and I think I'm done. It got a bit old."

"Agreed. Now I will try to kill my father."

"Done that. Wasn't as satisfying as I would have thought."

She glanced at him. "You killed your father?"

"One of them. Then I tried to wipe out his entire race."

She gave him a levelled stare, studying him. "Perhaps you would like to join me in killing Thanos. He wronged you as well."

"If you go after Thanos, you will die. You know that as well as I do."

She turned away from him. "Suit yourself."

"The Nine Realms, if I am not much mistaken, are preparing to fight him when the time comes. There are heroes there, who together, may, I pray, stand a chance against him, united. You won't, alone or with me."

"We shall see." She began to walk away.

"It's why you're doing it, isn't it?"

She stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him, questioningly.

"You hope it will kill you," he continued. "I understand that. You know that I do. You found me in the void when I was at my lowest: when I had chosen death. But at least I was honest about it. I knew when I let go and fell into the void that I was falling to my death. If you're going to fall to yours, you might as well admit it."

Nebula glared at him.

"Wow. If looks could kill, you'd be a goner right about now," said a voice behind them. Loki turned. It was Rocket. The raccoon walked over to the controls, plopped down and started fiddling. "Right, setting a course for the nearest bar. Let's go!" Nebula stalked out of the room. "What's eating her?"

Loki shrugged and took a seat. "Any number of things, most likely."

Rocket snorted. "Just yesterday she was selling me over to the Ravagers and now she's hanging around the ship. It's a funny world. Next thing you know Gamora's going to want her to be a Guardian."

"A what?"

"A Guardian! Of the Galaxy! That's who we are you know. We saved this galaxy! With Ego, we've upped our count to twice."

"Peter did this?"

"Well, yeah he was part of it. But we  _all_  did it. I did the most. But yeah, we're heroes. You should stop by Xandar. They've even put up a statue of us there!"

Loki smiled a little wistfully. "Peter's a hero huh? I guess he takes after his uncle then."

"Why? Is his uncle an egotistical, lying, mischievous crook?"

"No. That would be a better description for me."

Rocket gave an evil grin. "Then he takes after you."


	37. Chapter 37

Loki found a lock-box to hide the Winter’s Casket away in and then went in search of a book. Peter had made it clear he didn’t want to talk to him and Loki decided that space and time were what was called for.

Finding a book was not particularly easy. According to Kraglin this was a Ravager ship, and Ravagers did not go in for reading. In fact Kraglin had stared at him blankly for a full minute when Loki had asked about library on board.

But Loki did manage to find something, and he found a quiet, out of the way room, and sitting in a corner, began to read.

He was used to losing himself in a book. Whether it had been when he was a child and needed to escape his feelings of loneliness and isolation, or later, trying to not to think about Meredith, slowly withering away on Earth without him, he had almost always found some relief, no matter how short, in his books.

This book wouldn’t have been his first choice. For one thing it was fiction, for another the writing was atrocious, but it was better than nothing.

He was about a third of the way through when the door to the room opened and Peter entered. At once, Loki set the book down and stood.

“Oh. There you are,” said Peter. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“I’m sorry. If I’d known-”

“There’s something I want to ask you.” Peter crossed his arms and frowned.

“Anything.”

“It’s the only thing I want to know. Why did you leave my mom?”

“I didn’t want to.”

Peter snorted. “Same thing Ego said. He apparently wasn’t my father but you two seem to have all the same answers.”

“I loved your mother.”

“And yet you left her to die alone, and sent Yondu for me. You know, I have a family. I have Gamora, and Rocket and the others. I don’t need you. I just want to know why she kept loving you even after you abandoned her, because I don’t get it.”

“Did she?” A piece of Loki had always wondered…just a little…not a piece that had really believed that Meredith had ever stopped, but another piece, the one that hated himself, and always whispered how he wasn’t good enough.

Peter rolled his eyes. “Everyone thought it was the tumor talking. But yeah, she was always talking about my dad from the stars. So I want an answer. How could you leave her?”

“I’m from a planet called Asgard. My father rules over the Nine Realms, of which Earth is one. There was a law at the time that Asgardians could not go to Earth. I broke that law. I met your mother and I fell in love. We had you. I would have given everything in that moment, to stay on Earth for the rest of my life. I would have given up my magic, my Asgardian lifespan. Anything. But that wasn’t an option. My father found out I was breaking the law, and if he had known about you he would have taken you away from your mother. The day I went to tell Meredith goodbye, was the day she told me she was dying.”

Loki’s voice shook at the memory and he paused, allowing a moment to pull himself back together.

“Meredith couldn’t lose you, me, and deal with her illness all at the same time. And beyond that, the life you would have had on Asgard would have been a half-life at best. I left so my father wouldn’t take you from her. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I promised her, that when she passed, I would be there for you. A promise I will never forgive myself for breaking.”

Peter still hadn’t uncrossed his arms, though he looked a little less rigid. “So why did you? Why send Yondu?”

“I planned to escape with you out of the Nine Realms. And I thought the best way to insure that we would be gone before my father noticed I was missing, would be if I hired someone to bring you to the planet where I had hired transport to the Outer Realms. I was a fool to trust Yondu.”

“He said he was protecting me by taking me.”

“Yes. Apparently he looked into me after I hired him. Talked to some people that aren’t actually my friends. They talked a lot about how I wanted the Asgardian throne and would do anything for it. Yondu put two and two together and came up with thirteen and decided I meant to kill you so you couldn’t get in the way of my political agenda.”

“And how do I know you didn’t plan exactly that?”

“Well, for one thing I had the throne and I abandoned it to come rescue you here and now.”

There was a long pause. Peter hesitated for a second and then started shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t need you.”

“I can see that,” said Loki slowly and painfully. “You’ve done so incredibly well for yourself. Despite everything. You’ve become a wonderful man, one that your mother would have been proud of. One that I’m proud though I know that’s not worth much. You know what she called you when she were a baby? Star Lord. It’s what she wanted for you, and it seems you’ve become exactly that.”

At last Peter unfolded his arms.

“I know I let you down Peter. And there will never be a way to make up for that. But I have never stopped loving you. I have made so many mistakes in my life. But seeing you here and now…every single one of them have been worth it, because they each and every one of them, lead me to you and your mother.”

“Well,” said Peter with an annoyed sigh, “you certainly make it hard to hate you don’t you?”

Loki snorted. “You’d be the first person to think so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super happy with this scene but not sure I can do much better.


	38. Chapter 38

How do you tell your son that warred against his planet? That you killed his people?

As Loki watched Peter at the controls of the ship, pulling into dock, he kept wondering how to tell him. And he kept hearing a little voice in the back of his head asking, did he need to?

Once, he’d had his reasons, his motivations for what he’d done, but now he wasn’t sure anymore. After all, Peter could have been on that planet. He could have been in that city as the Chitauri poured in. He could have been one of the casualties and when looked at in that light, suddenly the greater good didn’t seem so good after all.

The ship docked, the group headed out.

It was the biggest, nearest bar Rocket could find. It took up an entire space station. Literally. It was loud, it was nosy, and if you went down the wrong parts you’d end up in some really bad neighborhoods where a hangover was the least of your worries. But it was also the perfect place to be left alone if you knew where to go.

Everyone needed a drink. Or several.

Drinks were ordered and several tables in a corner staked out. Yondu and Kraglin at one with Drax and Mantis. Things got raucous over there quickly, and loud bursts of laughter kept emanating from it. Every time Loki glanced over at them, at least one person was always bent double in guffaws.

Gamora took a seat by Nebula. Neither of them said a single word. There was a long silence between them, but it was not a hostile one, which was perhaps a victory in its own right.

At a third table, Loki sat with Peter, Rocket, Groot. Peter hadn’t said a word to Loki since they’d landed but he at least he hadn’t kicked him from the table. So he and Loki sat in silence, watching with a certain amount of interest as Groot and Rocket had a heated discussion as to why Groot couldn’t have a pint, which devolved into an argument about Groot’s language.

But it’d been a long day. Eventually Groot started yawning, belligerently told Rocket he wasn’t sleepy (if Rocket was to be believed of course) and then toppled over and began to snore.

Rocket sighed. “I better take him back to the ship. No one steal my drink!” He picked up the little fellow, almost tenderly Loki noticed, and started weaving his way through the tables and back towards where their ship was parked.

“What exactly is the plant?” asked Loki, watching him go. “Obviously it’s sentient but I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Peter shrugged. “He is Groot.”

“Yes, I did pick up on that after, oh the one hundredth time he said it. Does he never say _anything_ else?”

“He once said ‘we are Groot’ but it was a bit of an unusual situation.” Peter took a long slug from his drink.

There was a beat.

Loki glanced at him. “So Rocket tells me you’re something called a Guardian of the Galaxy? You saved a planet?”

Peter shrugged.

“It must be some story,” Loki prompted after a long pause.

Peter shrugged again. “I couldn’t exactly turn my back on an entire planet and let everyone die, could I?”

Loki shifted in his seat. How could he explain about Midgard? About Thanos? About the choices he made? “Pet-”

“All that stuff you said,” broke in Peter abruptly. “About mom, about me, did you really mean all that?”

“Of course.”

“Oh.”

Loki hesitated. “You said that Meredith kept loving me?”

Peter scratched the back of his neck, obviously uncomfortable. “Yeah.”

“So…there was never anyone else?”

“No. Eventually she was just too sick but even before that…she was never interested anyone else. I remember her and grandma getting into a fight about it. She was trying to convince mom to start dating again, said it would be good for her and good for me if she found someone new. I never saw mom angry before. But she was furious that day. She used to tell me about you. She called you a being of pure light.” Loki started. Peter must have misinterpreted the gesture because he looked a little sheepish. “Yeah, that was near the end. One of the last things she said to me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t like to talk about that. But before, she’d tell me about my dad, said he went on space adventures and fought in wars, and brokered peace and helped people. She said…” Peter took a swig of his drink and then rushed onward as if determined to finish, “she said I should be proud to be your son.”

Loki closed his eyes for a moment. “No.”

Peter played with his drink for a moment. “Look,…something Gamora said keeps rattling around in my head. You know I’ve had my own ship for a while now. There’s not actually anything keeping me from going back and…she’s right. I was scared. I said I just couldn’t go back because I lost my mom there but…yeah. She’s right. It was real and I didn’t want to face it. Don’t ever tell her she’s right though. It’ll go to her head.” He took a swig of his drink.

Loki studied him. “You care about Gamora a lot don’t you?”

Peter grinned. “Except when she’s right. I hate it when she’s right.” The smile fell away. “And she’s right. I have family back on Earth. I have blood there. I mean the Guardians, they’re my family. And…well it looks like I have a father. But I think I’ve got to go back. Not to stay or anything just to…you know face it. Make peace, yadda yadda, all the touchy feely stuff I wouldn’t say if I wasn’t quite so drunk.”

“You want to visit Earth?”

“Want to? No. Should do? Probably.” Peter took another swig of his drink. “So, what do you say?”

“About…..?”

“Coming to Earth with me. I just…you’re here. And I’m going. Maybe, maybe you should come too and we can figure this out.”

Loki froze. He couldn’t tell him. Not now. Not yet. Peter would find out. Peter would never forgive him. Peter shouldn’t forgive him. A memory flashed through his mind’s eye of a building shattering to the ground. How many people had been in there?

He looked at Peter. Peter was offering him a chance, a hope, a way for them to find a path to a relationship together. He was offering him an invitation to something deeply personal for Peter, and also something deeply painful. Loki could be there to build something new and also to help support. How could he say no?

“Of course,” said Loki, because what else could he say?


	39. Chapter 39

Peter's breath caught as he looked out the ship's window and saw Earth coming into view. Suddenly he wasn't sure this was such a good idea. It was on the tip of his tongue to back out of this, to turn the ship around and head back the way they came.

Gamora stepped up beside him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her gratefully and she nodded her understanding.

He flicked a switch on the controls and the music started playing throughout the ship. His mother's music.

In another room of the ship, Loki jerked at the sound. Meredith's music. He closed his eyes and let it wash over him.

_How do I tell him?_

Earth drew nearer. They were moving in subtly, trying to keep a low profile and not be noticed. But as Yondu put it, such a backwards planet that wouldn't be hard. Of course, none of them could know about the tracking system Stark had put in place after New York, keeping a watchful eye out for anything extraterrestrial in the skies. Earth might be backwards. But Tony Stark wasn't.

* * *

The ship was left hiding behind the moon, with Kraglin to man it along with Nebula. She made it clear she had absolutely no interest in stepping foot on Earth. But she had pulled Loki aside for one moment. "Are you sure it's a good idea for you to go down there?"

"What? Of course it is."

"Really? Because if memory serves you declared war on that planet. What are they going to do if they find out you're back?"

"They're not going to find out. We're going in very quietly and then we're leaving."

"Quietly? With that group?" She gestured towards the Guardians.

"Nothing is going to go wrong."

"Oh." She rolled her eyes. "Nothing is going to go wrong. Why didn't you say so? Obviously a foolproof plan. My apologies." With a huff, she stalked away.

* * *

They boarded a small landing vessel and took it in. Peter came from a small town with one graveyard, which made it easy to find. They landed in the parking lot.

"What a strange place to park. Hardly any room at all," said Drax, pointing out through the window.

"It's supposed to be for cars," said Peter, "look, guys, just stay in the ship, okay?"

"What? You want us to stay put while you go off and have all the fun?" demanded Rocket.

"I'm visiting my mom's grave, that's not exactly what I would call fun."

"Better than staying stuck here. We could have just stayed on board with Kraglin."

"Which is what I suggested to begin with."

"But we want to see Earth!"

"I am Groot."

"Yeah, and Groot wants to check out the music."

"Fine. Tune into the radio. Just don't get into any trouble. We won't be long."

Gamora, Peter, and Loki headed for the exit. Yondu sighed as he watched them walk away. He probably should have stayed with Kraglin. But, he wanted to be here, just in case Peter needed him.

It was wooded graveyard. Trees were scattered throughout, creating shade across the path and soon hiding the parking lot from view.

Gamora walked close to Peter's side while Loki followed a couple of feet behind, watching them. He wondered what understanding these two had. Their feelings for each other were clear, yet at the same time there was a certain restraint between them. He sensed Gamora wanted to take Peter's hand but was holding back. Occasionally her fingers would twitch in his direction and then still.

Peter guessed that Meredith had probably been laid to rest near her mother who had died before Peter was ever born. He remembered the path there from visiting it when he was little. As they drew nearer, he found his feet involuntarily slowly. He remembered walking this way with his mother and grandfather. He remembered her hand on his shoulder. Her smile as she glanced down at him. The feel of her, as she crouched beside him at the grave, and answered his questions about death.

"Yes, I believe she knows we're here Peter. I believe the people we love, never leave us, not really. Not in the way that matters." She had placed her hand on his heart. "I know that I will never leave you."

Peter had been young. He didn't understand then about her illness. He hadn't understood why, when she said those words, grandpa had looked so upset and turned away, hiding his face from them.

She'd been there when he held the infinity stone, giving him another chance to hold her hand, to make right that moment of hesitation that he never forgave himself for. Was she here now?

Peter stopped. "I…I can't."

Gamora turned to him. "It's okay. I know this is hard."

"No. I can't.

"Peter?" Loki took a small, gentle step forward.

Peter shook his head. "I just…" He was fighting to keep his voice from breaking. "I need a moment."

Gamora nodded at Loki. "Go on ahead. Give us a moment."

Loki glanced between the two, and then nodded. However much he wanted to be there for Peter right now, Gamora could do so much more for him in this moment than he ever could. And it hurt to admit it.

He continued on down the path, leaving Peter leaning against a tree his eyes closed, as Gamora took his hand. He heard a soft murmur as Gamora spoke under her breath and then he was around a bend in the road, out of earshot and eyesight.

Loki began to read the names off of the stones.  _Polly Henderson, Frank Mitchell, Ethan Ranch, Meredith_ -….he stopped dead in his tracks.

_Meredith Quill. Beloved Daughter and Mother._

This was where she laid. This was where it ended.

Beloved Daughter. Beloved Mother. Beloved Wife. Beloved Everything.

All the memories swept through him. All the love. All the moments, snatched and cherished. Lost but never forgotten. No. How could he ever forget? She was the only good thing in his life before Peter.

He reached up and touched the ring hanging from his neck.

And she had given him Peter, the only worthy thing he possessed.

She was buried under all this earth and dirt. But she deserved better. She deserved the kind of hero's farewell that Frigga would have been given. She deserved ballads, and toasts and tears and wailings. She deserved a world to mourn her.

Meredith. His Meredith. He ached with how much he missed. He ached, and a familiar weariness swept over him.

He knelt beside the grave, and reached out. A flower appeared in his grasp he laid it down.

"Meredith, what do I do?" he whispered, "I miss you."

He heard footsteps, stood and straightened. Peter would be coming. He had to be strong for Peter, but how? He could barely stand here, looking down at her grave, what strength did he have to give his son?

"What are you doing at my daughter's grave?"

Loki turned around sharply.

It wasn't Peter's footsteps he'd heard. A man was standing there. An elderly man, his face deeply lined, his hair grey. The man's words sunk in. This was Meredith's father. Once upon a time, Loki had allowed himself to hate him. Just a little bit. But looking into this man's eyes, he saw a weariness he knew, and a sadness that was all too familiar. He couldn't find it in himself to hate anymore.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, more for the man's loss than his own presence.

The man frowned. "Do I know you? You look…familiar."

Loki was immensely thankful that he had had the forethought to use his magic to change to Midgardian clothing. His attack on Earth must have been reported and known. If he were in Asgardian garb there was no chance this man wouldn't know him now.

"No, I don't think we've ever met."

"Then what are doing here at my daughter's grave?" the man demanded again, a little more angrily this time.

"I'm….a friend of Peter's."

If it was possible for the pain in the man's eyes to be any more acute, it was so now. "Oh. I'm sorry. You must have gone to school with him. I don't remember you but I didn't know all of his classmates. I suppose you came here looking for his grave." The man moved forward, standing next to Loki and looked down at Meredith's gravestone. "There was some talk of adding his name to Meredith's stone, but I wouldn't let them. I wouldn't accept that he was gone for good. That he could be…" The man hesitated, there was visible struggle on his face before he finished, softly, "dead. And eventually, I just couldn't bear to make that call. To say 'all right. This is when I stop hoping. This is when we can put it in stone'." The man nodded at the empty spot beside Meredith's grave. "Eventually, I'm going to be put there. Then they can put Peter's name on my stone. Maybe then I'll finally be able to forgive myself." Almost as if speaking to himself he added: "I never should have left Petey."

"Left him?"

The man nodded. "Yeah. I was the last person with him. His mother had just-, the doctors rushed in, Peter was sobbing. I took him out into the hallway and told him to wait there. I thought that he shouldn't see-, I never should have left him alone though. I should've stayed with him."

Loki studied the man. He regretted failing Peter too. It turned out, he and Peter's grandfather, had more in common than one would have thought.

The man was still talking: "Instead I abandoned him when he needed me most and went back into that hospital room. Left him to be taken by who knows what kind of perverts or killers- I…" The man wiped away the tears that had gathered in his eyes and turned away from the grave and back to Loki. He smiled weakly. "You must think I'm a crazy old man, rambling to a complete stranger like this. I am sorry."

"It's all right I understand."

"Thank you. I guess at the end of the day, there's not many people I can talk to about this. The rest of the family have moved on. And talking about this just hurts them, and they tell me I need to let it go. So I don't talk about it anymore. But there's not a day goes by I don't think about it. So thank you for hearing a crazy old man out."

Loki smiled. "Of course.."

Neither had heard the footsteps, which is why it came as a complete surprise to them both when, at that moment, a surprised voice cut across them. "Grandpa? Is that you?"


	40. Chapter 40

Peter’s grandfather stood there for a moment, staring blankly. And then Peter smiled.

Gods, thought Loki, that really was Meredith’s smile. He would have recognized it anywhere.

His grandfather’s eyes fell on the Walkman prominently displayed on Peter’s waist, and then back up to that smile.

“Peter?” He breathed the name out, a mixture of desperate hope and a deep joy that was just starting to edge into belief. “Peter, is that really you?”

Peter wavered for one moment and then surged forward, clutching his grandfather in a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

The two men stood there for one silent minute, their feelings for the time beyond words, their grip on each other vicelike.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Peter muttered at last.

“Oh Petey. I’ve missed you too. And I’m so sorry. I never should have given up; I never should have stopped looking for you.”

Peter pulled back a little, a grin creeping across his face. “Well, doubt you would have found me where I was.”

His grandfather reached up, and grasped his shoulder. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve must have been through all these years. But you’re here now. And I will give you all the help you need.”

Peter scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I’d be willing to make a bet you probably can’t imagine it. But it’s also probably not what you’re thinking. You see it turns out, mom was telling the truth the whole time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know how she used to say my dad came from the stars? Turns out, he did. I know this is going to be a lot for you to take in, I mean Earth has got a man on the moon and that’s about it, but aliens are real.”

“I know.”

“You do?” said Peter, surprised.

“Of course, there was the alien invasion in New York.”

“Wait, what? Aliens invaded New York?”

“Of course. How do you not know about that?”

“Because I’ve been in space.”

_“Space?!”_

“Yeah, and believe me it’s been a crazy ride. I mean you know when the talking raccoon isn’t the oddest part that you’ve lived a pretty interesting life.”

His grandfather stared at him. “Peter, you’re honestly telling me, all these years, you’ve been with your father in space?”

“Okay, not exactly. There was a bit of a mix up. He sent some people to pick me up and they kind of, ran off with me. Which I get sounds bad, but honestly, I’ve had a lot of thinking on it lately and it wasn’t really, bad that is. Yondu really tried. And he means a lot to me, and you’re going to love him. Actually scratch that, you probably shouldn’t meet him just yet, he’s a bit rough around the edges and who knows what he’d say, and if he tells the eating me joke you’re going to freak out.”

“Peter?” Gamora said gently.”

“Right. Rambling. Sorry.”

His grandfather was now staring at Gamora. “You’re an alien.”

“Oh, grandpa, this is Gamora. She’s a...we travel together.”

“It’s good to meet you,” the older man glanced between the two of them. He then turned around to Loki. “And you also travel with my son?” He studied him, “you don’t look like an alien. Are you also from Earth?”

“Actually, that’s my dad,” said Peter.

“Excuse me?”

“Turns out, it’s not just aliens that are real. So is Norse Mythology, which explains why mom always liked to read it to me.”

“Norse Myth-,” Loki winced as he saw the dots all of a sudden connecting in the man’s mind. He stared at Loki. “ _Loki_. That’s how I know you. That’s how I recognize you. New York. All over the news.” Loki noticed the man move a step to the right, placing himself between Loki and Peter. “You’re Loki.”

“Um, what?” Peter glanced between the two of them.

“I think what your grandfather is referring to,” said Loki, trying to keep his voice calm even as the world seemed to shake around him, “is the fact that I was the one who led the alien invasion on New York.”

“You did _what_?”

“I was trying to take over the Earth.”

“Oh, that makes it better. And when were you going to mention this?”

“Hopefully after you’d known me more than a few days. Peter, I’m sorry. Perhaps I should have told you before we even came here, but I wanted to say goodbye to Meredith, with you.”

 _Thud_. Loki had been so focused on Peter, he didn’t notice Peter’s grandfather take two steps forward and his fist come out of nowhere.

It didn’t exactly hurt as it connected with his jaw. The man wasn’t strong enough to do any real damage to Loki, but it was a shock. Loki took a step backwards, blinking.

“What did you do to Meredith?” the man spat, “why couldn’t you leave her alone?”

“Because I loved her. Because I needed her.”

“You left her with a baby and a tumor. That’s not love. That’s selfishness.”

“Believe me, if I had had a choice, I never would have left her,” said Loki, struggling not to lose his temper, his old feelings for the man rushing back into his memory.

“Believe you? You left my little girl to raise a son by herself. You killed hundreds of people in New York. And you actually expect me to believe you about anything?”

“I had reasons for New York. I thought they were good reasons. I thought-, I made a mistake. I made the wrong call.”

“The _wrong call_? A _mistake_? That’s what you call that destruction?”

“But Thanos-”

Gamora started, the man raised his fist again, but this time, Peter grabbed it. “Grandpa, please.”

His grandfather stared at him for a moment and then his shoulders shagged. “All right. But Peter, he- I just-, every day since I left you in that hospital hallway-, I can’t-”

Peter hugged him, and then nodded towards a bench a little way down the path. The man nodded and the two walked towards it, leaving Gamora and Loki at the grave.

The men sat and began to speak in low voices. Loki couldn’t make out exactly what was being said and all he could do was wonder and hope that when they were done Peter wouldn’t send him away, that he hadn’t once again ruined his chance to be with his son.

“That’s how you know Nebula,” said Gamora softly. Loki started and turned. She was studying his face carefully as if trying to read something there. “Through Thanos.”

Loki hesitated and then nodded. “She pulled me form the void, she brought me to him.”

“And then you fought for him.”

Loki looked down at Meredith’s grave. “I suppose I did.”

Gamora nodded, as if satisfied with what she saw. “I have fought for Thanos. I have killed for him. I have done many horrors on his behalf. So I know. I know what his methods are and how he persuades one. I know the pain he can inflict and the thoughts he can manipulate. I know, and Peter will understand as well.”

He glanced at her, doubtfully. “I declared war on his home.”

“No, you didn’t. Earth is not his home. The Guardians are. And you saved that home from Ego. Believe me, Peter will forgive.”


	41. Chapter 41

The three were walking back to the parking lot and the ship. Peter and his grandfather had talked for an hour as Gamora and Loki stood by the grave and waited in surprisingly companionable silence. At last Peter had hugged the man, promised to visit him soon for a longer stay and then headed back to Loki and Gamora.

“Are you all right?” asked Gamora.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. And I’ll see him again soon. But we both agreed probably shouldn’t hang around too long this time.” He glanced at Loki.

“Peter,” said Loki, “I am sorry I didn’t tell you-”

“Later, okay? Not here. Not now.” He turned to Meredith’s grave, knelt beside and reached out a hand to run his fingers along the lettering, for a moment he stayed there. He closed his eyes and whispered a few words to his mother, words neither Loki nor Gamora caught, and then he stood to his feet. “Come on, we should head out.”

Loki could sense the tension coming off him. Whether Gamora was right or not that Peter would forgive him, clearly it hadn’t happened yet.

They retraced their steps along the path, back through the trees. There weren’t far from the parking lot when they were able to hear voices.

“Come on! Give me a reason to use this thing!” It was Rocket’s voice and there was a snarl in it. Peter and Gamora exchanged glances.

“What have they done now?” asked Peter, annoyed, as the two burst into a run. Loki followed.

“All we want are some answers,” came a second, much more level voice.  “Who are you guys and what you’re doing on Earth. This doesn’t need to get ugly.”

“Why can the raccoon talk and what is that funny looking tree, are also some questions I’d like answered,” put in a second speaker.

Peter, Gamora, and Loki emerged onto the parking lot and were met by a sight that didn’t make any of the three very happy.

There was a second ship parked there now. Rocket, Yondu (his coat slung back, arrow ready to be called) and Drax were standing in front of their ship, Mantis hid behind them, wide eyed and frightened, and by the other ship stood a group of heavily armored individuals who Loki instantly recognized as the majority of the Avengers: Captain America, Ironman, the Black Widow, and Hawkeye. In the middle between the two ships stood Groot, his position between the groups likely the only reason Rocket hadn’t started firing yet.

“Who are you calling a raccoon?”

“I am Groot!”

“Yeah and who are you calling a funny looking tree?”

“Look,” said Steve Rogers, clearly trying his best to be diplomatic, “I think maybe we all got off on the wrong foot here, coming in, suited up like this, but Stark’s system detected an alien ship, and we’re a little on high alert at the moment when it comes to alien vessels-”

Peter’s boots crunched on the gravel, all heads turned in his direction.

“There you are!” said Rocket, “good, now the numbers are better and we can take these guys on.”

“Um, what’s going on here?” asked Peter.

“We came by to check out why there was an alien ship landing in Missouri and your friends here started pulling weapons,” said Stark.

“And who exactly are you lot? You look straight out of a comic book or something.”

“We’re the Avengers,” said Steve. “Think of us as this planet’s guardians.”

“I am Groot.”

“That says it Groot. Guardians of a Planet, _really_ impressive,” said Rocket, winking up at Drax.

“Did you just wink?” asked Tony.

“Dang it, wrong eye again. I really got to practice that.”

“Look, I think maybe everyone should calm down a little, obviously your friends here took our arrival as an aggressive action. All we want to do is find out your business here, make sure everything’s okay, and ask a few questions.”

“Yeah, I mean Missouri is a weird choice,” cut in Tony again. “LA or New York? It all might have seemed a bit less suspicious.”

“You always ask questions with guns?” asked Yondu, running his thumb along the tip of his arrow.

“We’ve had some not so friendly alien visitors in the past, and we’ve received a warning recently that more are coming. Maybe we’re a bit on edge,” said the Black Widow, “tell us why you’re here, and we can relax.”

“We brought Quill here to visit the grave of his mother,” said Drax, gesturing towards Peter. “Why you humans put your dead under the earth I do not know.”

Steve frowned at Peter. “Mother? You’re human?”

“Yes. Well, mostly. So could we all just put down the weapons? Come on Rocket, put the gun down.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No. We are not going to kill people on Earth. I’d rather like to be able to come back without having to wait another twenty years. Now put the gun down.”

Rocket huffed. “Fine.” Drax and Yondu both relaxed as well. With that, Steve nodded to the Avengers. Stark lowered his arm and then his face visor, while Natasha holstered her gun.

Clint however kept his bow aimed. Only he wasn’t aiming it at the group on the other side of Groot anymore.

“Clint?” said Steve, “weapon down?”

“No,” he said, his voice steely.

“Clint?”

“Look.”

Steve looked in the direction Clint was aiming. For a moment he thought it was at the green woman, and then he realized there was a third person behind her and the human. And then he realized that he recognized that third person. _“Loki.”_

Instantly the weapons were out again. Stark raised his hand, pointing his suit’s primary weapon directly at Loki, Natasha drew her gun, Steve readied his shield. In response, Rocket raised his gun, Yondu let out a sharp whistle, his arrow rising to the ready, and Peter drew his weapon.

“No!” It was Loki who spoke. He reached out, pushed Peter’s gun down and held onto his wrist.

“Let go!”

“No. You are not fighting them.”

“Loki-”

“No. I know these people. I’ve fought them myself and believe me; people are going to get hurt. And I won’t let that be you.”

“I think we can handle ourselves,” snapped Rocket from across the parking lot.

“No, this is my choice,” said Loki firmly. He looked over at Steve. “My…these people were not aware that I was not welcome here on Midgard before we arrived. They know nothing about the attack on New York and have nothing to do with it. Drax spoke the truth. We came only because Peter’s mother is buried in this cemetery. They meant no harm by coming here.  You have the answers to your questions, you can let them go.”

“I am Groot!”

“I agree. Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” muttered Rocket.

“You hardly know me,” snapped Loki, “so stay out of this.”

“But you’re part of the ship now.”

“Wait a second,” said Tony, staring from Loki and then back at Peter, “this is your son isn’t it?”

Loki blinked, surprised. “How did you know about…-”

“Thor told us all about it after Odin dropped by Avengers Tower. By the way, your dad? Kind of looks like a really angry pirate.”

Loki stared. Odin had actually stepped foot on Midgard? The image was so impossible for him to imagine that for a full five seconds he just stared at Stark.

“So, seriously, is this baby Loki?” prodded Tony, nodding at Peter.

“No, no, no, do not call me that. I am not ‘baby’ Loki,” said Peter. “I’m a grown ass man. And you can call me Star Lord.”

“Or Peter,” said Rocket.

“Hey!”

“What? Until you stop calling me a raccoon, I’m never letting you get away with ‘Star Lord’ ever again.”

“You know, I think I like the fur ball,” said Tony.

“Who are you calling fur ball, tin can?”

“Who are you calling a tin can?”

Steve studied Peter. “I understand that you’ll want to protect your father, but his crimes on this planet are such that we can’t turn a blind eye to him being here. We are going to have to try to take him in. But he is also right, you and your friends are well armed and look like you know how to fight, I don’t expect it will be easy and people are going to get hurt.” He turned his attention to Loki now. “If you really care about your son, you’ll turn yourself in and come with us quietly. But I think you already know that.”

Loki sighed. Maybe it was for the best. Now he never had to hear Peter tell him that he couldn’t accept or forgive what Loki had done. He never had to hear the words as Peter rejected him. He could do one last act for his son’s sake…and he could go back to a cell knowing that he had seen his son, he had saved his son, and he would always have these few short days to remember. “I do.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Gamora whispered at his side. “We _can_ fight, we outnumber them.”

“You can’t promise me that Peter won’t get hurt,” his murmured back. “or the people he cares about. You told me what the Guardians are to him.”

“We’ve faced worse odds,” said Peter, “and in our line of work, we are definitely going to face them again. It’s just one more fight.”

“But not on my behalf. I thought you were dead once, to think it a second time, to know it was true, it would break me, but to know it happened because of something I did. I can’t allow it. And the Avengers are more powerful than they appear. Promise me, you won’t fight them. Promise me you’ll let me do what I have to.”

“I…”

“Please Peter. Let me protect my son. Like a father ought to do. Like I’ve failed to do, every day since you were born.”

He let go of Peter’s wrist. For a moment Peter wavered, and then he slipped it back into his holster.

Loki smiled. “Your mother would be so proud of you. I’m so proud of you. And I am so grateful that I got to see the man you’ve become.”

His promise to his son from so many years ago sprang back into his mind.

_I promise you, you will never feel unloved, unwanted, or unvalued. You will never have need to build walls and never be made to feel lesser. And you will always be, my little Star-Lord._

He hadn’t kept that promise, but as Loki glanced at Gamora, he knew, in the same way he had always been able to read and understand people, he knew she would keep the promise for him.

“Take care of him,” he said. She looked startled and then nodded. But he hadn’t needed to tell her that. She would have taken care of Peter anyways.

“I’m coming over,” Loki called out, and walking slowly, worried that any hasty gestures would set Rocket or even Peter off, he started across the parking lot towards the Avengers.


	42. Chapter 42

“I just thought you’d like to know.”

Thor nodded, staring at the screen and the image of Steve. “Thank you. I do appreciate it.”

“For what it’s worth, he did give himself up to prevent a firefight, and this time I don’t think it was a planned capture,” Steve continued. “Anyways, we should be there in a couple of hours. The rest of his friends and his son are following behind in their ship. We persuaded them to come to New York to answer a few questions. Loki wasn’t too happy about that but I’ve given my word we won’t hold them. I just want to make sure they don’t know anything that can help us about this Thanos attack and then we’ll let them go. I’ve already sent word through to Fury and the CIA.”

Thor nodded. “Thank you.”

“See you soon.” The screen shut off.

Bruce and Thor were standing in the middle of the common area of Avengers Tower. As the video call ended Bruce turned to Thor. “Are you okay?”

“Of course.”

Bruce raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“I am fine.”

Thor began to pace.

“Right,” said Bruce to himself, “because pacing is always the sign of someone who’s absolutely alright.”

Thor didn’t hear him. He was too busy thinking.

It had been a week ago when the Avengers had been gathered in this same room. It was early evening and Tony had mixed everyone up cocktails and Steve and Clint had taken over the kitchen to cook up some steaks. It was supposed to be a quiet evening, just the team, when suddenly they’d heard the noise outside on Stark’s landing pad.

“What was that?” asked Stark. Clint had reached for one of the kitchen knives, while Thor reached for his hammer.

Bruce had squinted through the glass into the dark. “I think there’s someone out there.”

The figure had moved across the roof towards the glass doors. Everyone had grown tense, ready for a fight-, and then Thor had recognized the silhouette.

“Wait! That’s the Allfather.”

The glass doors had slid open and Odin had entered the room. Some part of Thor registered how tired he looked, but mostly his mind was just stunned. Odin on Midgard? It was impossible. _Absurd._

“Father?” he asked tentatively, as if afraid to trust his own eyes.

Odin smiled at him. “Thor. I am glad to see you again. And these must be your friends.” He looked around the Avengers and nodded. “It is good to meet you all. I hear you have been faithful allies of my son.”

“Um, it’s an honor to meet you sir,” said Steve stepping forward.

“Is Jane Foster here?” asked Odin, looking around.

“No. She has away on work at present,” said Thor.

“A shame. I would have liked to meet her again. But it matters not. I wish to speak to you. Alone if possible.”

Thor hesitated and then nodded. “I will step outside with you.”

His father nodded and together the two went back out onto the roof and landing strip.

Odin crossed to the railing and looked out across the lights of New York. “For a planet that in many ways is so backwards, Midgard has accomplished some truly amazing wonders.”

“Father, may I ask why you are here?” asked Thor, coming up beside him. “If you seek to change my mind, I thought we had discussed this when I left Asgard, and I made it clear to you that my choice would not change. Neither about my place in the Nine Realms nor about the throne. I thought you understood and to some degree accepted it.”

Odin sighed “I am afraid I have much to tell you Thor. Much to tell and much to make amends for. But first you must know that that was not me on the throne of Asgard. For the past year it has not been me.”

“What?” Thor started. “How is that possible?”

“Loki,” said Odin simply.

“Impossible! I saw him die! I held him in my arms as his life slipped away!”

Odin smiled. “One day, you and I shall learn to stop being fooled by the various illusions Loki performs for us. For myself I fear that day is now, and that it has come too late.”

Thor grasped his arm. “What is wrong father? What has Loki done to you?”

Odin patted Thor’s hand. “I am well. He has woken me from Odin’s sleep and he has left the Nine Realms. What he has done has been to open my eyes, to the past and to the future. I do not know which I dread more.”

“What do you mean?”

“There is a war coming Thor. A war I must warn you of. A war I do not know we can win. A war that even the soldiers of Asgard are not sufficient for. This planet you love is strong with heroes. I believe your loyalty to Midgard may be our saving grace. These heroes may fight alongside us one day and may be all that stands between our galaxy and destruction.”

“This war you speak of? It cannot be of Loki’s doing.” It came out almost as a plea.

“No.” Odin shook his head. “Loki has spent the past year readying Asgard to fight. He chose ill when he attacked Midgard, but I have seen the strain his mind was under when he made that choice, the pain that had been inflicted on him. I know his reasoning, and while misguided he may have been, I understand the path he took. I fear that for the first time I understand the path he has been on for many, many centuries. A path I sent him down without knowing.”

“Father, you cannot blame yourself for Loki’s actions. He made his own choices.”

“Did he? Or did I push him towards them? I wish your mother was here. I wish she could guide me now.”

Thor blinked. He had never heard his father talk without strength. He had never seen him waver. Even when Frigga had died he had been strong. Thor had not agreed with him on the journey to the dark world, but Odin had still been certain.

“Father what has happened? What has happened to Loki? You say he is gone?”

“Yes. And before he left he showed me things. He opened his mind and memories to me. I saw many things. Things I have been blind to for so long. And I also saw his son.”

“What? Loki has a _son_?”

“Yes. Perhaps you will recall, some decades ago it was discovered that Loki had been visiting Midgard in secret? It appears he met a Midgardian woman and fell in love with her.”

“He never said.”

“No. He was too terrified that I would separate the mother and child. The child was only a few months old when I discovered his trips to this world and put an end to them. I separated them.” There was a deep anguish in his voice as he said this last.

“Are they still on Midgard?”

“No. The lady died.”

And a memory swam into Thor’s mind. Loki, standing in front of him, his voice bitter and cutting:

_“You'll never be ready. The only woman whose love you prized will be snatched from you.”_

Thor had thought he said it to be cruel, said it as a taunt. But what if it was more than that? A cry for help, a warning, a wound so deep that Loki could not help but share it?

Slowly, afraid of the answer, he asked, “And what of the child?”

“Loki thought him dead.”

“But he was not?” asked Thor, a strange pain for Loki mixed with hope for what Odin would say next.

“No. And Loki has gone from the Nine Realms to save him. It seems…my grandson has traveled far.” A smile played across Odin’s lips at the word ‘grandson’ and suddenly he did not look so tired. Suddenly, there was a wisp of life in him again.

“I cannot believe it,” said Thor, staring blankly out across the city. “I knew Loki hid much from me, much hate and anger.”

“But it seems he hid much love as well.”

“I never imagined this.”

Odin looked tired again now. “No. Neither did I. And I never asked.”

Thor looked at Odin curiously. “What do you mean?”

“I fear I have not known my sons as I ought. They flail and I ignore it. And when they fall, I do not help them up again. Loki must have suffered deeply for some time and I did not notice. I cannot apologize to him. But I can apologize to you. I can beg your pardon at least.”

“Mine?” Thor shook his head. “Father you have done nothing but love me my entire life.”

“I have loved you. I have loved you both, despite but Loki has often thought. I have been proud of you both. But I have not seen what you needed. I think back to your coronation.”

Thor winced. “I would rather not.”

“But I must. Loki was right. You were not ready to be king.”

“Father, please. I’m ashamed when I remember how I acted. The danger I brought on Asgard when I invaded Jotunheim. The way I spoke to you. I was a petulant child. It’s I who must beg your pardon.”

“No, let me say what I must. Loki said it was love that blinded me to how unready you were, and in part he was right. But I was _blind_. My son was growing up before my eyes and I was blind to who he was. And when he showed me, how did I respond? With anger, not understanding, not realizing I was as much to blame as he. I cast him down to an alien world, alone and unprotected. When forced to see my own folly I punished only him.

“And I did not learn. I did not learn when I nearly lost him. I did not learn when my other son hung on a thread that I as good as cut and sent him to the void below. I did not learn when his rage nearly destroyed one world and brought death to another. I did not learn when my own beloved wife was taken from me. _I did not learn._ I did not learn until I was forced to see through another’s eyes.”

He turned and grasped Thor by the shoulders. “Forgive me my son. Forgive me for an old man’s folly.”

Thor reached out and grasped him in a hug.

Sometime later, Thor returned alone, back into the tower, weighed down by news of Thanos but one bright spot in his mind.

“Well,” asked Tony, as Thor entered. “What did daddy want?”

“Well for one thing, to let me know that I’m an uncle.”

There was a stunned silence.

In the present, Thor pulled his mind back from that night, and stopped his pacing and turned to Bruce abruptly. “I need to alert my father to what has occurred. He will want to know. When our friends arrive, please let them know I will be back soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of people asked to see Odin telling Thor about Peter....so it seemed like a good time to do a flashback. Admittedly I wanted to see it too :-D


	43. Chapter 43

"Welcome," said Tony, raising his arms, and taking in the full expanse of the common area, "to Avengers Tower. Pull up a seat, pour some drinks." Slowly the Guardians stepped into the room and looked around. "Told you this wasn't an elaborate ruse to capture you all."

"I mean we just came from an entire beautiful planet that ended up trying to kill us, so a couple of drinks and comfortable couches could still totally be a trap," said Rocket, eyeing the place suspiciously.

"All we want is to ask you guys a few questions. You have to understand that we don't know a great deal about what's out there and we currently have a war headed our way so we want to learn what we can. But you're not prisoners and you absolutely can leave."

The elevator doors slid open and Bruce stepped out. "Tony, where are the others?"

"Quinjet. I flew in my suit to show these guys the way here. Their ship's parked out on the roof."

"I see that."

"Who is this little man?" asked Drax.

Tony chuckled. "This is Doctor Banner. If I were you, I'd be carefully what I say to him."

"He is puny. I could easily take him."

Bruce raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't like him when he's angry," said Tony with a grin. "Just ask Loki if you don't believe me."

"Where is Loki?" asked Peter casually, leaning against the bar. Gamora glanced at him. She knew Peter well enough to know when he was trying to play it cool there was generally something behind it.

"He should be being placed in a CIA containment cell right around now. Look I know he's your dad and all but if I took you for a ride around the city I could still show you some of the damage his invasion caused. People died. A lot of people. We can't just let him go." Tony turned to Bruce. "Where's Thor?"

"He went off to Asgard to see Odin."

"What are you going to do with Loki?" Gamora asked, crossing her arms. "You say he's in a containment cell. But how does Earth deal with people like him? Prison? Execution? Torture?"

"No one is torturing anyone," Tony snapped, his tone suddenly hard. He sighed. "Sorry. But we're not like that. At least we, the Avengers, aren't like that and you better believe we're going to take a close interest in what happens with him. He might even be sent back to Asgard, I don't know yet. But we will keep an eye on him. I can promise that much."

"Look," said Bruce, "why doesn't everyone sit down. We can answer any questions you have. And maybe you can answer some of ours."

Begrudgingly, Peter took a seat and Gamora followed suit. Tony and Bruce took seats opposite them.

"So," said Peter, "what exactly are the Avengers?"

Tony grinned. "We protect Earth from anything and everything."

"Yeah," said Rocket, "and we're the Guardians of the Galaxy. And  _entire freakin' galaxy_. And guess what? We've saved the galaxy twice, a bit more impressive wouldn't you say?"

Bruce raised his hand to his face to hide a laugh.

"Earth heroes?" said Gamora with interest. "Like Kevin Bacon?"

"What?" Tony blinked.

"Yes, exactly like Kevin Bacon," cut in Peter.

* * *

Loki was pushed into the reinforced cell and the door slid shut behind him. He heard the locks click into place. The cuffs had been left on his wrists, likely to prevent any magical escapes. He was only grateful that the muzzle hadn't been put on from last time.

Outside the cell a woman with long blonde hair turned to Rogers and Clint.

"He shouldn't be able to escape. Those walls are basically nuclear proof, and Stark helped concoct a system that should alert us if any strange energy is detected coming from him in which case the room will be immediately flooded with knockout gas. He shouldn't' be escaping with any magic."

"Thanks Sharon," said Steve.

The woman nodded. "Of course."

Clint stared through the transparent wall of the cell at Loki, his arms crossed tightly across his chest.

"Are you all right Clint?" asked Steve, noticing his expression.

"Yeah. I guess I just thought this would be more satisfying." He turned away and three exited the room.

Left alone, Loki stood in the center of the cell. He tested the cuffs but they did not yield and so he stood. He knew there were cameras on him and so he refused to show weakness. But inside, inside his feelings were confused.

He had had Peter and now he was lost again. He felt the frustration and anger, the pain of a lost opportunity. But despite that, there was a spark. A spark of joy. His son was alive. A piece of Meredith was out there among the stars and was safe and whole, and more than that, he was loved. Loki had seen him surrounded by friends and seen the look Gamora gave him. Yes, Peter would be all right. Peter had a home.

Loki might be bitter that he could not be a part of it, but he could face it now. He could face whatever was in store for him: execution or the rest of his life in a cell. Because he would always  _know_  that Peter was all right and that he had gotten to see him as a man. He smiled.

* * *

Tony raised his arms in exasperation. "Seriously? You're not going to give us anything. We've been at this for two hours and you've given us trivial info at best."

"Hey," said Rocket, "there ain't nothing trivial about the best bar in the galaxy."

"I am Groot."

"Exactly! Some people just have no gratitude."

"Yeah well that's not exactly helpful when it comes to fighting a war lord and his army."

"Not our problem."

Bruce hid another smile. The sight of Tony and Rocket talking each other in circles had been rather amusing even if exasperating.

If the Guardians knew much of Thanos, they weren't saying it. Bruce got the sense at least some was being held back but he supposed a strange planet, being question by people they didn't know, anything might be held back out of purely innocent reasons. They had to be on their guard. All things considered it probably hadn't helped matters that Loki had been taken into custody.

"You really aren't going to cooperate at all, are you?" said Stark.

"Wasn't planning on it, were you?" Rocket shot Peter a glance.

"Can't say that I was overly inclined to do so."

"And you couldn't have mentioned that two hours ago?" asked Tony.

"What can I say? Let Loki out, we might be more communicative," returned Peter.

Tony shook his head. "You know we can't do that."

"Then I'm afraid Rocket's going to keep telling you about the best bars in the galaxy."

Tony signed and stood up. "Fine, I guess we're done here."

"I guess we are."

Peter stood up and stretched the other Guardians following suit when suddenly the door to the roof slid open and a tall, broad-shouldered man entered the room.

"Thor!" said Bruce. "You're back."

"Yes. I am on my way to speak with Fury but Rogers said that Peter Quill was here?"

"And you are?" asked Peter.

"You are Peter Quill?"

"Yes," said Stark, jumping in to avoid another bout of talking in circles.

Thor crossed the room and stood in front of Peter solemnly. "I am Thor Odinson, brother of Loki, and your uncle."

"Great," muttered Rocket, "just what we need. More of Quill's family, cause that's worked out so well for us so far."

"Rocket," muttered Gamora warningly.


	44. Chapter 44

Thor leaned again the railing, in the same spot Odin had stood one week before, and turned to study Peter.

He looked strong and valent. His nephew. A part of him still couldn't believe it. All these years, Loki had been hiding so much. Thor felt a stab of hurt.

"So," said Peter, leaning against the railing and looking Thor over. "You're my uncle?"

"Yes. And I am honored to be so."

Peter quirked an eyebrow. "Right. Well you definitely fill the 'giant' part of frost giant better than Loki does."

"I am not Jotun."

Peter frowned. "But you're Loki's brother?"

"Technically, Loki was adopted."

"Ah, yes. Loki mentioned something about his biological father trying to kill him."

"Yes. He was the son of Laufey, King of Jotunheim, and abandoned as a baby. Odin, our father, found him and took him home. He was raised as an Asgardian."

"So, taken as a kid and raised by aliens. I guess he and I have a couple of things in common."

"I suspect you have much in common," said Thor with a smile.

"Must have been hard," said Peter, ignoring the comment. "Being raised like that. At least where I grew up, everyone was different. There were all shapes, colors, spikes, and tentacles. I guess for Loki, everyone was the same except for him."

Thor blinked. This man saw the difficulty so quickly. And how long had it taken him, Thor, to see it? Certainly he had not known for much of his life about Loki's ancestry, but once he had learned he still had not understood the full depth and implications of the truth. But Peter could see so clearly and so quickly. He would never know Peter's mother, but suddenly he felt as if he were catching a glimpse of her.

"It was difficult. More so I believe because it was not until relatively recently that he knew the differences were there," said Thor. "I suspect he could sense them, but could not understand them. And I am afraid I must bear some of the blame for his feelings of alienation. Your father…" Thor hesitated, it sounded so strange to speak of Loki as a father, "your father is quite good at hiding how deeply he feels. And I was not terribly good at looking."

Peter shrugged. "Well, given the fact that it seems he declared war on a planet, on this planet, blame can probably be spread about a bit."

Thor sighed. "I wouldn't say Loki was blameless. He did try to kill me a couple of times as well as nearly destroying the planet of Jotunheim. And his attack on Midgard broke my heart. But I have come to understand at least some of his actions. Before he left to rescue you, he magically shared his memories with our father. He showed himself falling into the hands of the warlord Thanos, he shared the strain and the pain which he was put under, he explained the reasons for his actions. I cannot agree with those reasons. And I wish that once on Midgard he had sought me out and explained. But it was my fault we did not have a relationship that might have allowed him to do so."

Peter gestured back towards the tower. "You're one of these, Avengers, right?"

"Yes."

"And you know they have him?"

"I do."

"So what is going to happen to him?"

"You do not have to worry."

"That's not really an answer."

"Despite Loki's reasons, you must understand that what he did has consequences, and as such it is a difficult situation."

"Still not an answer."

"It's all I can give you right now."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Good talk." He started to move away.

"Wait! Peter." Thor pulled something out of his pocket. It was a moon pendant, hung on a leather cord. "There is something I would say to you." He stepped forward solemnly. "You are of the house of Odin, royal of Asgard, grandson of the Allfather and Allmother. You always have a home on Asgard if ever you should desire it." He held out the amulet to Peter who took it. It felt heavy in his palm. "This amulet once belonged to my mother. She would have wanted you to have it. She would have been so happy to have met you and so proud. As I am. You are my nephew. My blood. And if ever you should need me, I will come to your aid."

"I-," Peter stared at the amulet in his hand. A year ago, where had he been? Alone. There'd been Yondu, but he hadn't really understood how much Yondu cared. And other than Yondu? He'd been alone. Now there were the Guardians, now he had a father, now he'd seen his grandfather, and now it seemed he had a whole other family on Asgard waiting for him. A lot could change in a year. "Thank you," he said. He wished he could find words for more, but right now, that was all he could manage.

Thor nodded, stepped back, and much to Peter's surprise, began to swing his hammer and another moment later, shot up into the sky.

"Well," said Peter, staring up into the sky above, "that was unexpected."

He slipped the amulet on around his neck.

* * *

Bruce and Tony remained at Avengers Tower until the Guardians' ship departed, and Tony monitored it on his system. It returned to the main ship behind the moon. Tony ordered JARVIS to keep an eye on it and alert him as to its movements and then he and Bruce headed to the CIA base where Loki was being held.

They were directed to a conference room. As the approached the door, they could hear raised, angry voices. They exchanged glances and entered.

Fury's fist banged on the table. "No! Absolutely not!"

Sharon and he were seated at one end of the conference table, while the other Avengers were scattered around the two sides, all except for Thor who stood over at the opposite end.

"He is coming back to Asgard," Thor stated firmly. Unlike Fury he didn't shout. But there was an unshakable steeliness to his tone that had much the same affect.

"Tony! Bruce!" Clint waved. "You're missing the show."

"This isn't a joke Barton," snapped Fury.

"What's going on?" asked Bruce, as he and Tony took seats.

It was Sharon who answered. "Thor informs us that Odin is insisting on Loki being returned to Asgard to carry out his original sentence there."

"We need intel," said Fury. "We know there's a whole warlord out there with entire armies behind him! Loki's been at the center of his operations; Loki knows more about him than anyone else combined! We have hundreds of questions and a limited time to get answers."

"You could question him on Asgard," said Steve.

"He's right," agreed Sharon reluctantly. "If Odin is willing to accept some visitors from Earth, there's no reason we couldn't carry out the interrogations there."

"Odin would likely agree to this," said Thor. "Andy you must admit it would be safer to hold him on Asgrad."

Fury snorted. "Right, except it was an Asgardian cell he escaped from last time."

"Only because I broke him out. Without my assistance he never would have managed an escape."

"Oh that really doesn't make me feel any better about sending him back there. What if you decide to break him out again?"

"I facilitated his escape to defeat Malekith, avenge my mother, and save Jane Foster, a set of circumstances which were extremely rare and which will not arise again. Loki  _belongs_  on Asgard. You cannot hold him on Earth."

Tony had been studying Thor, now he turned to Clint and sent him an inquiring look. Clint hesitated, glanced back at Thor and then, with a sigh, nodded.

"He has a point," said Tony, turning to Fury now. "Look I know I've built a scanner to track magic use, but I'm only partially confident it will catch everything. There are too many unknown variables. Magic is too unknown quantity more or less. We let Thor take Loki once before. We knew back then we didn't have much chance at holding Loki long term and a not much has changed since then. Let Asgard have him."

Fury wavered, sensing he was outnumbered.

"It's also going to be hard to keep Loki safe on Earth," added Bruce. "He's going to be a hated man. Once people know we have him and he's back on Earth, people are going to be sacred. And people do bad things when they're scared."

Fury rubbed his forehead. "I don't like it."

"But there aren't a lot of options," said Tony.

Finally Fury nodded. "All right." He glared at Thor. "Do not make me regret this."


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Warning for some spoilers from Thor: Ragnarok oddly enough.

For Loki, the night was interminable. He stood in the cell and waited. He felt the eyes on him through the cameras, he felt the memories of the last time he was on Mdigard, held in a cell, clawing at the back of his mind. He remembered that night, the wait, the wondering what was to come, the sense of failure. He remembered being taken before Odin…he remembered Frigga… he wished he had told her about Meredith. He wished he had told her of Peter.

She would have liked to have known. Why hadn't he told her on any one of those times she came to his cell?

When the dawn came, Thor came for him. It was so similar to last time and yet so different. Loki felt calm. There were scars in his mind, wounds still healing which if pressed sent a jolt of pain through him, but there was a balance now, there was an uneasy calm.

As Thor met him in the cell he nodded to Loki. "Brother, I have come to bring you back to Asgard."

So he would go back. He considered it and acknowledged that it would be better. A cell on Asgard would certainly be a safer proposition than a cell on Midgard. But as he contemplated facing Odin again, he felt his uneasy calmness waver.

He had bared his soul to Odin when he opened his mind to him. What if it changed nothing? What if Odin still looked at him with cold anger? Words from the past swam through his memory:

_"Your birthright was to die! As a child. Cast out onto a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in you would not be here now to hate me."_

But then, what did it matter? Whether Odin understood him a little better or he did not, his future was set in stone. There was unlikely to be a second escape.

He nodded to Thor but could find no words for anything else. Perhaps one day. But for now, his head was too full.

Once again he was taken outside, to the open air, and Thor looked up into the sky.

"Heimdall, we are ready."

There was the pull and rush, the wind and colors as they soared up through the Bifrost, and then they were on Asgard.

Loki looked around. Back again. It seemed Asgard was always pulling him back.

Heimdall nodded to the two princes. "The Allfather waits in the throne room."

"Thank you Heimdall," said Thor. "I will not be long."

And they started the walk. Thor, his hand still on Loki's arm, but that…that was it. As they started, Loki knew something felt wrong but couldn't place it at once, his mind stretched too thin from the night before, but something definitely felt wrong. It was as they approached the palace that he realized what it was.

When last they had done this walk, there had been guards, armed to the teeth, a close eye kept on him, each movement he made watched. But now? Thor's hold wasn't even tight. They passed a few people, most of who looked with open curiosity, but there were few others about. It was him and Thor only.

The two reached the throne room, Thor shoved open the door, and they entered, crossing the long, open floor to the throne.

Loki looked around. The contrast between now and the last time he had been brought, bound, before Odin's throne, was again striking. It wasn't just that Thor was his only escort to the throne room, there was not a single guard in here as well. There was no one…except Odin.

Odin nodded to Thor and to Loki's utter surprise, Thor pulled a key from his belt, reached out and unlocked his cuffs. Thor then nodded to Odin, turned, and walked out of the room, leaving Loki to stare at confusion up at the Allfather.

As the door closed with a loud thud behind Thor, Odin stood and slowly made his way down the steps of the throne.

"What is this?" asked Loki.

"Officially? An escape."

"What?"

Odin had reached the bottom of the steps and now stopped in front of Loki. "We are working on building alliances with Midgard, not to mention certain steps have been taken to strengthen our ties with the other nine realms, including Jotenheim. At this stage in the proceedings, an official action would be detrimental to those treaties. You must understand they have not seen what you have shown me. They don't understand the threat that Thanos poses. I can tell them. I can attempt to explain. But it is hard for them to understand the full extent of the threat, which makes things move slower than I would like. So it is better if your escape is not officially sanctioned."

Loki looked down at his freed wrists and then back up at Odin. "You're…letting me escape?"

"Yes."

"I don't understand. Why?"

"After what you have shown me, you can still ask that?"

"Yes. Why? I usurped the throne. I kept you locked in sleep. Why let me escape?"

Odin reached out a hand, he hesitated an inch from Loki's shoulder, as if afraid he would pull away and then gently clasped it. "Loki, you shared your mind with me. Now let me share mine with you." Loki hesitated but Odin nodded. "Please."

Slowly, Loki reached up, he closed his eyes, and he grasped Odin's head between his hands. The magic twined from his fingers, wrapping around Odin's forehead. The Allfather's mind was open to him, and he looked in.

A little girl ran across the grass. A woman, Frigga, was running after, the two were laughing. Through Odin's eyes, Loki looked on, a feeling a pride surging through his chest.

"Hela!" Frigga had called. The little girl had turned around, still running, mischief in her eyes.

The little girl was older now, a blade in her hand. Still so young but already deadly with it. And once again Odin look on, proud of her skill. Frigga at his side, looked on as well, but there was no laughter in her now. There was a worry. A memory flashed through Odin of the night before. Frigga expressing concerns. He dismissing them.

"I'm worried," she had said, "it's not normal for a child to be so obsessed with war and fighting."

"She's the daughter of the Allfather and Allmother! An Asgardian warrior through and through. A symbol of all our people are. It is natural!"

"She is too young. She doesn't understand, she can't grasp the complexities of fighting and war. The depths of what it means. She must learn these things while she still can. There is more to Asgard than war."

The memory faded and another took its place. Many more. War. Bloody war that swept across worlds. War unending. Battles and blood and bodies and suffering. The sheer unending wave of it washed through Loki's mind, staggering him, and for one moment he almost pulled away. But he had forced his memories onto Odin, forcing him to remember the pain and agony Thanos had inflicted on him, he himself would not back down when he had agreed to see these memories willingly.

And in the midst of the war was that girl. A woman now, tall and beautiful, regal and powerful. Through Odin's eyes Loki watched her fight. Enemy after enemy fell before her might. He felt Odin's pride and then he felt his fear as the years ticked on. Frigga's doubts beginning to becoming his own.

And now there was weariness. It was eating away at him, demanding rest, demanding peace.

Then Thor, a baby, so innocent. And Odin looked down on him and knew it must end. He would not let Thor grow up to be…Hela. The thought had come unbidden into his head and he had hated himself for it and yet known it to be true.

And Loki saw Hela, her fury when Odin told her it was time to lay down arms, that it was time for peace.

Loki saw the war and death that followed. And then he saw Frigga, sitting on a couch, crying.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Odin was kneeling before her, her hands clasped in his. "I had to lock her away. I had to do it for the Nine Realms. It was the only way to stop her. I'm sorry it came to this point. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you until it was too late. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Frigga had turned away from him. She rose and walked away. Odin could hear her on the balcony, weeping, and he wept too. He wept for his daughter whom he'd destroyed. He wept for his wife whom he could not reach. Loki felt a pang from Odin and knew that in all their lives together, in all they lived and shared and disagreed, this moment was the farthest apart he and Frigga ever grew.

Another memory. Loki did not think it was the same day, but he sensed it was not many days later. Jotuns…war…peace must still be a distant dream. Frigga did not bid him farewell as he rode off with his army.

And then he was on a frozen mountain. A blizzard swept around him. In the distance, the sounds of war, a battle nearly done and won. There was a wail on the wind, he looked down, and through Odin's eyes Loki saw himself. A small, little blue child. So small. Even by Asgardian standards. And he felt a surge of sympathy in Odin as the man reached down and picked up the baby. The baby was so defenseless, so little… Loki concentrated on the memory, but there was no calculation in Odin's mind, there was no anger, there were no thoughts of how he could one day use this child against his enemy. There were not really any thoughts that could be put into words. There was only a hole, an empty, gaping hole in the heart of a man who had lost his daughter and was now faced with a tiny, defenseless child. A symbol of hope for a man weary from war.

And then he was placing the child in Frigga's arms. She had stroked the child's chin. And they had both been whole again. A family patched together by Loki's presence.

But there was a fear in Odin. A fear of destroying another child. Distance. He must keep distance between him and them. His daughter he had corrupted with his presence. He would protect Thor and Loki. He would love them far afar. He would be the distant king, the Allfather. But he would watch. And he would never forget. And he would always love.

And Loki saw himself, growing up before Odin's eyes. And he felt the love. It rocked him. It was deep. It was blind, and he saw again and again, moments when Odin had not understood, had not seen beyond the image Loki showed him, but never was it without love.

He did not understand Loki. He sensed in him something…different. Thor he could watch and see an Asgardian through and through. A strong warrior, but not obsessed as Hela had been. But Loki, skilled and clever fighter that he was, was not the same as the rest of Asgard and as such Odin worried. Hela had not been the same. Loki could not become as Hela. He would not allow it. And Loki sensed the love behind the thought. He would not allow it because he could not bear.

He saw a vision, this time not a memory but a dream. Odin's dream. Thor on the throne of Asgard, Loki on the throne of Jotunheim. There was peace. No more wars, or battles, or hate. Only understanding between the kingdoms. Both brothers ruling with grace and wisdom, patience and kindness.

And then the vision was gone. And Odin was standing in front of Thor, casting him down to Midgard, convinced he had destroyed yet another child. But send him away…away from Asgard, away from Odin. On Midgard Thor might learn the lessons Odin could never teach him.

Another memory now…Loki hanging beneath him, the void gaping wide below. And Loki had called up.

"I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!"

A pain, so agonizing, engulfed Odin as he looked down at his son and knew he had failed once again. He had sought to destroy Jotunheim for Odin, he had murdered Laufey his own biological father for Odin, he wanted to kill and destroy, all for Odin and for Asgard. Just like Hela. And once again it could be laid at but one door: Odin's.

"No Loki," Odin had said, centuries of regret and guilt buried in the words.

And he had seen the look in Loki's eyes. He had seen the pain, the shattering, the hopeless grief, and he could do nothing but watch as Loki let go and had fallen into the void beyond…

Loki let go and stumbled backwards from Odin. He stared at Odin and Odin in turn stared back.

Slowly, Loki looked up at the mural on the ceiling, and imagined the painting hidden behind it, the painting he had seen through Odin's eyes.

"I've never been a good father," said Odin simply. "I've failed. I had only myself to blame for Hela's warping. I swore it would not be the same for you and Thor. It seems in my determination to avoid that, I failed you in other ways. I was so wrapped up in my own guilt that when you came back, having brought war to Midgard, I looked for nothing but my own failure. I would like to say that had I known about your wife, I would never have separated you from her. But I cannot. I would likely have seen it as your disregard of the laws and rules, much as Hela disregarded them when it suited her. I would have focused on the disobedience not on the love. I have learned much in this past year. No, I have learned much from you and the memories you shared with me. Forgive me Loki. Forgive me my son."

Loki tore his eyes from the mural and looked back at Odin. There were lines in his face that Loki had never seen before. There were tears in his eyes. Had Loki ever seen tears there before?

There were so many memories to sort through. So many secrets and lies to digest. It seemed that perhaps he inherited his own penchant for untruths from Odin. Perhaps they were both rather good at hiding their innermost demons. And that thought made him smile.

He took a step forward towards Odin, and then found the Allfather's arms around him, grasp him in a hug. He couldn't remember the last time Odin had hugged him, but at this moment, with Odin's pain and memories ricocheting around his own head, he didn't have the heart to care. He returned the embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This....was really not where I expected this chapter to go in all honesty. Yes, we were going to have a heart to heart between Odin and Loki, and I thought there might be a very mild reference to Hela, something along the lines of Odin looking up at the mural and commenting on how he's been a bad father in the past, and the readers getting it but not Loki...but somehow it ended up going in this direction and I just sort of went with it to see where it took me.


	46. Chapter 46

Loki stepped away from Odin, and noticed already Odin looked younger, lighter, as if some burden was gone.

He asked the question that had become the most prominent in his mind. "Does Thor know?"

"About?"

"Hela?"

"No. One day I will have to tell him. But not yet."

Loki nodded. "And what about my 'escape'? Does he know of that?"

"Yes. He will personally take you to Heimdall, who will send you to your friends and son. Their ship is still waiting behind the Midgardian moon. I believe they are planning a rescue so you'd better hurry before they start an incident. I would ask that once you are returned to them you leave the Nine Realms. The Midgardians know the ship is there and I suspect they will not be pleased to hear that you've escaped."

Loki nodded.

"This is not," said Odin, "a banishment. And one day, I hope you may return to Asgard. One day I hope to meet my grandson. But for now…" He searched for the right words, unwilling to hurt Loki.

"For now this is best," said Loki simply. "I agree." He hesitated and then decided to add: "And the Winter Casket can be returned." He hoped Odin would understand what he was trying to say with the offer, that he was trying to show he was not the same as Hela, that he meant it when he promised to cause no more trouble in the Nine Realms.

"No," said Odin. "Keep it. Perhaps you may need it again to save your son? It is your birthright in a way. It belongs more with you, than in the halls of Asgard."

Loki smiled. "It seems we have come a long way in a short time."

"It does, does it not? Your mother would be proud of us both."

"After she got done shaking her head in exasperation at how long it took."

Both men chuckled.

"I suppose I should summon Thor," said Odin, almost reluctantly. "He is waiting outside. Travel well Loki. My son." Odin climbed back up the stairs and took a seat on his throne. "Thor!" he boomed out.

The doors once again opened and Thor entered. Odin nodded to him.

Thor turned to Loki and held up the cuffs he had previously undone. "Just for appearances sake," he explained, "for anyone we pass. I won't lock them and we'll take them off once we reach Heimdall."

Loki held out his wrists and the metal was clicked back into place around them.

"Good bye Loki. Be well and find peace," said Odin, his voice grave.

"Thank you." A pause. "Father."

Odin smiled as Loki turned away to follow Thor out of the room.

* * *

Loki and Thor left the palace in silence. Loki could sense that Thor wished to speak but was holding back. Still overwhelmed by Odin's memories, Loki couldn't find anything to say either.

A sister. They had a sister. He could almost laugh when he contemplated it. So many lies and secrets in their family. So many half-truths and betrayals. And here he'd always though he was the lost one, the ruined one. Even Frigga, beloved and respected Frigga. She had hid the truth from Thor and himself. So many secrets pushing his family apart, it would have taken much less than the force he applied to rip it at the fraying seams.

They reached the bridge to the Bifrost and Thor slowed down and finally stopped, turning to Loki. Loki tensed.

"Brother I…I don't know what to say," said Thor.

Loki smiled sardonically. "I think we've both said quite a lot over the years."

"I met your son."

"You did?"

"You have much to be proud of there."

"It's his mother's influence. Not mine."

"There is more of you in him than you may see. But I see it."

It hit Loki suddenly in a way that, preoccupied by surprise and then Odin's revelations, it had not truly done so before: he was going back to Peter. He relaxed. "Thor, your Jane, you are with her still?"

"Yes, of course."

Loki nodded. "I told you once that her loss was inevitable. That you will never be ready for the pain that loss will cause you."

"I remember," said Thor quietly. "You spoke of Meredith? You spoke of your own loss that day."

"I did. But it's true. Mortals live such frail lives. They shatter at a touch. And no amount of preparation can ease the loss. I know. For several years I had nothing to do but know that Meredith's life slipped away, bit by bit, each day. And still when I lost her, it cut like a knife through me. A piece of me died with her. A piece I will never have back."

Thor nodded. "You seek to warn me. But even though I know there is a price to pay for being with her, I love her too well to leave her when I can stay."

Loki smiled wistfully. "I know. And while it is a warning, it is also advice, if you would have it from me after all you and I have been through. Cherish your time with her. Because it's worth the pain and worth the loss. I wish you joy with her."

"Do you?"

Loki chuckled. "I actually do," he said, surprised at himself.

"Thank you. And I also wish you well. And hope to see you and Peter again before too long."

"Look at us not fighting and actually being reasonable? Yet again, mother would be so proud."

"Frankly I think she'd die of shock."

"Poor taste brother," said Loki, but laughed despite himself, "poor taste."

Thor laughed as well. "Come, let me take you to the Bifrost before we start to bicker about it."

* * *

Several hours later, Thor would return to Midgard and Avengers Tower.

The Avengers were gathered in the common room and he was greeted by Tony. "You're back! Excellent, just in time for movie night. Steve has talked us into watching some of the hits of his era.  _In black and white!_  I think my DVD player might malfunction in protest."

"How did it go?" asked Bruce. "With Loki and your father? I remember you said things got a bit messy the last time."

"Actually," said Thor, trying to look the picture of innocence. "I have dreadful news."

"Oh really?" asked Clint, for some reason shooting a significant glance at Natasha. "What's that?"

"Loki has escaped!"

"What do you mean he 'escaped'?" Tony asked skeptically, eying Thor.

"He overpowered me. And escaped. There was nothing I could do," said Thor, staring back at him in wide eyed innocence. "I was powerless to stop him. He was slippery as snakes. It was all very surprising."

Clint turned to Natasha. "Pay up."

"Fine," she muttered and fished a twenty dollar bill out of her pocket and slid it across the coffee table to him.

"Why are you paying Barton?" asked Thor.

"Because I bet her twenty bucks that you were up to something with all that 'Loki must be taken to Asgard at once' stuff," said Clint.

"What?"

"You're a terrible liar," said Tony. "It's kind of endearing actually how completely horrible you really are at it."

"I am not lying. Loki, he just completely outwitted us all!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Clint rolling his eyes and taking a swig of beer. "Tell you what, let us tell Fury about it. He might actually believe it coming from us."

"Besides" said Tony, "you let Peter go way too easily. If Loki was going to be locked up forever on Asgard you'd have invited him to come visit or asked him to stay here or something. Instead you just sat back and let him go, and then went and made Fury hand over Loki? Whole thing reeked of a set up."

"It did seem likely," agreed Clint.

Thor stared between the two. "But you both encouraged Fury to let me take him."

"Yes," said Clint, "we did. So if he shows back up and tears New York apart a second time, we're partly to blame as well, which is just one more reason he'd better stay good and gone."

"But…you let me do it?"

Clint leaned back on the sofa and took a swig out of his beer bottle. "Yes."

"Thank you," said Thor in awe.

"Look, when we locked him up, it didn't feel quite as good as it did last time. Not after what you've told us. The things he told your father, about Thanos and what was done to him. I'm not saying I can forgive him. And I'm not saying I like the guy. But I'd be hypocritical to get mad at you. I'd do the same for any of you."

"You have," said Natasha smiling at him, "at least you did much the same for me."

"See?" said Clint, tipping his beer at her in a cheers. He winked at Thor. "Come on, let's get this party started and turn on one of Steve's boring old black and white movies."

"They're not boring!" argued Steve. "They're really well done."

Thor took a seat, shocked but strangely at peace and deeply grateful.

"Just please tell me there's no singing in them," Tony was saying. "I don't have enough alcohol in the entire tower to deal with it if they start singing and tap dancing."

"It takes skill to dance like!"

Tony let out a groan.

* * *

Loki was surprised as he stepped forward, away from Thor, and prepared for Heimdall to send him off, that he felt a pang. Was he actually sad to be saying goodbye to Asgard? To Thor or to Odin? Or maybe he was just in shock. As he looked back at the last week it seemed forever ago.

The Bifrost enveloped him, there was the rush and the color, the motionless speed, and then he was deposited with a  _thunk_  onto the bridge of the Guardians' ship. He stumbled for a moment and then regained his balance and looked around. The Guardians were staring at him wide-eyed, all of them well-armed and looking as if they were about to go somewhere.

"Woah," said Rocket. "Can you always just teleport like that?"

"No. Rather a onetime event in this case."

"Dang. Imagine the things we could have stolen with that."

"How did you get out?" asked Peter. "We were just on our way to break you out."

"Yeah, we had an awesome plan," said Rocket. "It involved Yondu's fin."

"No, it didn't. You were making that part up."

"Sometimes Quill, you are no fun."

"My brother and father arranged my escape. Though they requested that I leave the Nine Realms." Loki met Peter's eyes. "I will not force my company on you if you do not wish it after what I did to your world. If you wish me to leave I will leave. I ask only that you take me out of the Nine Realms that I may honor the Allfather's request."

Suddenly, there was a hand on his shoulder and he jumped and turned. The hand held fast. The hand belonged to the woman who had been introduced to him as Mantis.

She stared at him wide-eyed, and then her eyes filled with tears and she began to weep. "So many wounds," she said, "so much pain. So much regret. So much hate of himself."

Instinctively, Loki pulled away. "What is this?" he hissed.

Mantis turned to Peter. "And so much love for you. It is his overriding emotion. Everything in him, is for you."

"What is this?" Loki demanded a second time.

Peter sighed. "I'm sorry. I just…I wanted to be sure. Part of the plan when we got to you, was for Mantis to touch you. She's an empath. If she found out you were a lying sack of jerkweed we would have turned around and left you in whatever cell you were rotting in."

Loki's jaw worked, fury bubbling beneath the surface. He felt suddenly raw.

"It was funnier when she did Peter," said Drax. There was a note of disappointment in his voice.

"Funnier?" said Loki his voice quiet.

Peter perhaps detected a dangerous note in the tone because he stepped forward, pulled Loki a little aside and lowered his voice. "It ain't easy for me. Maybe that wasn't fair to use Mantis on you but I couldn't really do it. Go through it all again, what I went through with Ego. I thought I had a father and we were bonding and stuff, and then he was trying to kill me all of a sudden. And then there was mom, losing her-, I can't even-, there aren't words invented for that. Gamora…talked to me. About you and Thanos…and then Nebula talked to me. She told me about some of what you went through. But…I needed to know. I couldn't-, I couldn't let you in just to find out you weren't real. I'm sorry."

Loki felt the anger…

And then suddenly he caught sight of the moon pendant around Peter's neck. Frigga's pendant. Thor must have given it to him.

He could almost feel his mother at his side, warm and loving, looking at him with that same expression she wore the last time he saw her and suddenly he knew the anger he felt was only at himself. He had once sworn to Peter, when Peter was just a baby, that he would never feel unloved, unwanted, or unvalued. That he would never have to build up walls to protect himself.

And here was his son, unable to trust that his father was actually here for him without using an empath to prove it beyond a doubt. He had not kept his promise. But he would make a new one, a silent one, that he would do whatever was in his power, from here on out, to ensure Peter would. over time, put away his walls for good…even if it meant sacrificing his own.

Loki reached out and brushed his fingertips lightly across Peter's arm. "I understand."

Peter nodded. "Thank you. Also for what you did back on Earth. When you handed yourself over, though we would have fought for you…thank you."

For a moment, a deeper understanding held the two in its grasp, connecting them, binding them, melding them together. One day, Loki would look back and wonder if it would be Meredith, reaching through whatever time, space, and power separated the living from the dead.

From across the bridge came the sound of, "I am Groot!"

"I second that!" said Rocket. "Let's get out of this backwater and have some fun!"

The moment was broken. Peter chuckled and grinned at Loki. "Ready for an adventure with the Guardians of the Galaxy? I promise you, whatever it'll be, it won't be boring."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else."

Peter headed to the captain's chair and sat down. Gamora moved over to stand at his side and smiled down at him, a hint of pride in her expression.

Loki stood off to the side and watched his son. A vision swam before him of Meredith, the first time he had seen her, walking across the room to speak to him, her eyes locked on his. What was it she had called him? A being composed of pure light? He couldn't understand how she saw that in him. He could not fathom how she could see him in the role. But she had loved him, and together they had made Peter, so there must be some light in him after all. Mustn't there? For Peter's sake, he would live as if it were so.

He thought of Peter, a little baby in his arms. He thought of the years of emptiness when he believed he'd lost them bot:. emptiness, rage, grief, insanity.

But now? Here he was. He and Peter, going on adventure through the stars. Just like he had once planned for them. Sure there were a few more people along for the ride than he'd originally pictured, but he could work with that. He thought he'd lost that life forever, he thought he'd lost everything, but instead he was being given one more chance, a fresh start, a new life. And, as he looked around, and sized up the people in the room, he wondered if he might actually be able to make a friend or two this time around.

Peter pushed on the throttle and the ship began to pick up speed.

"You know, seems to me," said Rocket, "we're going to have to  _really_  jack up our prices now. We're not just two time galaxy savers, we've also added three new Guardians of the Galaxy."

"Rocket," said Gamora sternly.

"What? With a bigger team we're going to need bigger fees. I ain't sharing my pay!"

Yondu grinned and Nebula rolled her eyes.

Silently, Loki chuckled to himself. The god of lies and mischief, a Guardian of the Galaxy? It wasn't a natural fit. But he'd make it work. For Peter, he'd make anything work.

**The End**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: And it is done! I'm sorry I took a really long hiatus there at one point. While part of the reason was life, part of the problem was also I got stuck on how to end the story. Originally it wasn't supposed to go to Peter as an adult. It was meant to end with Loki believing Peter was dead, and then lead into canon and end with him falling in to the void (though we would know of course there was some hope, since we'd know he survived the void and that Peter wasn't really dead) but I realized that would not be a satisfying ending. Nor would be the second ending which was supposed to be Loki and Peter at Meredith grave. I knew if I was reading a Loki has Peter's dad fiction I'd want to see a bit more.
> 
> Some people wanted to see even more than this story showed, Peter on Asgard and Peter and Odin, but I couldn't fit that in before this point, and Loki going off to be a Guardian of the Galaxy just seemed like such a natural point to end the story. I hope people aren't too disappointed.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for all your lovely comments. It definitely played a major part in bringing me back to the story and seeing me through to finishing it. I hope the ending did not disappoint anyone too dreadfully.


End file.
